For easter, I suppose.

The sun rises and it's 7am.
Eggs are strewn about the land,
children searching for childhood memories,
hopefully for looking back.

When skies move, and time passes,
years are eaten away like the candy.
Leaving the peanut butter inners,
to fall and lose their shape,
no longer the fresh and perfectly sculpted.
They fall in their jagged and experience form.

From grace, the sun sets, in the end,
the memories are found and used in solace,
remembering the years when the candy tasted
so good.
______________________
Happy easter all.

Okay, okay, I recently have become obsessed with reading poetry... but some pieces don't actually rhyme at all... Are they supposed to not rhyme??

Biffle1 wrote:Okay, okay, I recently have become obsessed with reading poetry... but some pieces don't actually rhyme at all... Are they supposed to not rhyme??

Have you been sleeping? My poem isn't supposed to rhyme.

Are you okay young biffle? Also, since this is the first time I've spoken to you today, how are you? Did your easter go well?

Yeah, i went up north and saw my step dads parents and some random hick people (no offence) but yeah, pretty cool.

The consistency of your poem lies 100% on form. It's a landscape thing. That's pretty, Let's give your landscape character.

Going to let you in on a secret of the Illuminaughty; doesn't matter the manner in which you place your forms, or the little things you put inbetween them, the nouns will naturally collect in the readers mind, you just need to make an interesting connection.

"The sun rises and it's 7am.
Eggs are strewn about the land,
children searching for childhood memories,
to hopefully for looking back."

We're going to break that second line into it's meat.

"Egg strewn land"

Bam.

You start with the sun. Each of your nouns should act upon each other. This gives fluidity. Watch.

The sun rises at 7am,
egg strewn land in it's gaze.

The children search for their memories. This turns the attention towards the children and makes the memories seem... like objects. Is this really what you want? What if we were to rephrase, and put the memories first

The sun rises at 7 am,
egg strewn land in it's gaze.
Shells of memory surround
children scrambling for lost yokes.

Other devices used here; metaphor. The sun is watching this, it is your central character, it witnesses all, and all will return to it. Eggs are strewn about.

So the children... search for yokes of memory. The shells: kind of paraphrased memory you remember to tell strangers. The yokes are the meat, the experience we miss.

Take any and every noun and explore every symbolic interaction it could have with it's surroundings.

for the time being, stop writing poetry.

And explore the biome building thread in the Red Cross usergroup extensively.

Hello my friend, I was just reading poetry and wondering, "Where is some work my silented1, and I have found it haha. Anyway I really like this. You are good at poetry. There was only one line that confused me, "To hopefully for looking back." This really confused me otherwise very nice.

Hi silented1,

Others may have mentioned this, or not, but the eye with which the reader views the settings and and story changes abruptly, without any fluidity. You talk about the sun rising, then the children searching, then the sky moving, years being eaten (I suppose in this case the watcher is the child), and so on and so forth. The children are clearly the subject in this piece; yet, you give them no reprieve from their status as secondary characters while continually forcing down the reader's throat the concept of them being somehow primary characters. Poems are like stories in this way. You have to press weight upon one area and then another carefully so that it's not seen as contrived or overly elastic.

silented1 wrote:The sun rises and it's 7am.
Eggs are strewn about the land,
children searching for childhood memories,
hopefully for looking back.

Machine-gun images here, and they sting just as much. Sun rises, okay. Eggs strewn, okay. Children searching, okay.

But where is the connection? Like I said earlier, flow is important and (both in literature and real life), people must be guided from one subject to another if they are to be persuaded. Ever heard of the Socratic method? Questions running into each other until the audience has moved from point A to point B without realizing it? Think of it that way. Find some unifying idea or action with which to link together all these descriptions.

The last line in the above stanza doesn't make sense, may want to fix that.

When skies move, and time passes,
years are eaten away like the candy.
Leaving the peanut butter inners,
to fall and lose their shape,
no longer the fresh and perfectly sculpted.
They fall in their jagged and experience form.

From grace, the sun sets, in the end,
the memories are found and used in solace,
remembering the years when the candy tasted
so good.

I see the metaphor, but again, it blunders its way into the scene without any forewarning. What I said above basically can be repeated for this, with one addition: The years are eaten like candy, yes? Like Easter eggs? Hint that in your first stanza so that the reader will remember the subtle images of eggs and memories from the first stanza and connect that to later stanzas.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Just like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem first time round - such pretty imagery, such an inventive use of words - but like Hypocrit, I agree that it could be better. It immediately went in my mind as a 'to be further worked on' poem - not finished yet!!! I want to see this poem in its completed, edited and revised form. I want you to think about making changes (they've already been better suggested above, so I won't repeat them) and sit down, and make them. You are a wonderful poet, so well done, and good luck with the editing.

Well, Eddie, I think everyone covered what I was going to say here. But nonetheless, I still had to post. This is a real good poem, Eddie, and I'm so glad you've been on YWS more. Happy Late Easter--but I think I told you Happy Easter on Easter, but I can't be sure.
Anyways, I did rather like this. It will be so much more superb if only you took the suggestions above! For, they are all quite logical, and seemingly would make the poem better.
Be sure to show me the poem if you take these suggestions and edit it up.
Tata for now, all,
Mizz (or...as Eddie knows me by: Rainie)