one hundred and two shades of green 1.1

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A/N: i'm really sorry about the hyphens and x's, i'm just trying to keep you guys away from being confused and all of that! and sorry about the length (if that bothers you, i mean)! this is part one. editted
L Y D I A
"You know," the red head began while setting her legs on the table. "You could just stop going after this title, Ms. Hollow."
Lydia's mouth dropped, before she quickly shut it. "But Katherine—"
A freshly, manicured hand rose, halting her. Katherine's annoyance was obvious in her choice of tone. "It's completely obvious that you're not able," her face bunched up, before going back to its normal, annoyed face. "…to handle such an important job as Editor."
The room filled with penguin suited men and women alike were hushed as the conversation between the two continued. The rays of lights that were beamed through the blinds turned Lydia's chocolate brown hair to a rusty brown.
The sun's brilliant rays filtered through the blinds, with a day like this you'd wonder as to why the sun was being shunned out.
Lydia couldn't understand it either, as she watched Katherine impatiently. She drew her eyebrows together at Katherine's dark attire— from head to toe. Her black heels occasionally tapped the mahogany top of her desk.
She looked so professional… and dull.
Lydia felt awkward in her gray apparel. She had woken up late and hadn't had the time to iron it out— hence, her constant brushing down of her skirt as she stood before the woman's large desk. Tucking a loose, brown strand of hair back securely behind her ear, her green eyes watched, horrified, as to what dear, sweet Katherine had announced.
Katherine scowled, claiming. "I will be gone for exactly 6 months and I want to be sure that I secure my position with the perfect person for this job during my absence."
Lydia's heart sunk, for she already predicted her next line—
"And that person is not you, Ms. Hollow," Katherine drawled, coldly.
It sunk lower.
The brunette stood there, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall.
Pathetic, his voice rasped out to her and she quickly tried to recompose herself. The small girl couldn't help herself though; she was a sensitive, sweet soul.
She was…a dreamer, a painter, a lover— a person.
Unlike all of the other soulless sacks of flesh that stood around the room fencing her in— she had a soul.
FEELINGS
And she expressed her feelings in the only way she knew how to express them.
"I can be that person, Katherine." Lydia tried, "If you would just give me—"
Katherine's eyebrows furrowed with false astonishment. "—a chance?" Her eyebrows relaxed. "I've already given you one— plenty, in fact. Plus, I know how you are… the pressure, the high rank— all of it while eat you alive, Ms. Hollow."
"I've changed, Kathy," Lydia said, sternly. "I'm different. I can handle it all."
Katherine's deep, chocolate eyes narrowed as she frowned. "It's Katherine, Ms. Hollow. If you must call me by my first name, please, call me as such."
Lydia mentally winced at Katherine's harsh tone. Katherine's death look struck her the most. Lydia even felt as if Kathy's was looking through her— into her very soul. As if she knew everything about Lydia herself— every lie, every sin, every curse.
Lydia felt as if Katherine, for that moment only, was God.
Get a grip, you useless piece of crap.
The voice stung her again, and Lydia shook her head until she met Katherine's gaze.
"I apologize—"
"Don't," Katherine interrupted, in monotone. "Just give up on this little fantasy of you being Editor." The beauty leaned back in her chair, and a smirk had adorned her symmetrical face. "It will not happen." Turning her head, Katherine addressed one of the suited men. "Give me a drink, will you?" All watched as the man hurriedly left to complete his ordered task.
Staring back at Lydia, whose eyes held no emotion, Katherine smirked. "Ms. Hollow, I am finished speaking with you about this subject. Unless there is anything else you want to discuss, that's most importantly urgent— then please go."
-
The spoon moved in a circular motion before it was lifted out of the filled cup and brought to pink lips. Blowing along the spoon, hoping to cool the hot substance, Lydia slowly drank it and placed the shiny spoon back in the cup.
"Well, on the bright side, you still keep your job as journalist!" The woman sitting next to Lydia exclaimed— her British accent completely audible. When the excited woman was complied with no answer, she tried, "Well, at least you're young! The age twenty-four is pretty damn young, if you ask me!"
The two were the only ones in the break room— which was rather rare, since the break's room always filled with people too lazy to work. But there were only two slackers in there, for break wasn't until another hour.
Lydia dropped her head on the well-fabricated table before pushing her drink aside. "I don't want to be a journalist anymore, Kennedy. I want to be bigger— better. I want to be Editor!"
Her mutters were a bit inaudible, but thanks to Kennedy's close proximity to Lydia, she had no need to repeat herself.
"You've got to start somewhere, Lyd. You can't just— BAM, and expect to be Editor." Kennedy's soothing voice filled her ears.
Lydia pursed her lips at this.
"It takes time, you know that."
Lydia lifted her head and slumped against the back of her chair. Her once tightly, confined bun was now undone and her hair was out wavy and terribly unprofessional. Lydia stared at her blond friend before replying in a shriek. "Kenny, I've been journalist for The Invisible Lines for five years, constantly succeeding at my tasks given to me. Of course, I expected to be bumped up!"
It only seemed to make sense, and as Lydia's green eyes stared into Kennedy's deep, blue ones, Lydia noticed how Kennedy's held little to no emotion at all.
"It takes time, darling," she repeated and Lydia let out a dramatic sigh.
Kenny shook her head lightly, as she ran a hand through her gold locks. "I'm just saying. I've been working as a reporter for seven years, at other staffs before coming here, and I've never gotten this—" she used her index finger and thumb to show Lydia, "—close to ever making it to Editor."
She then shrugged, and Lydia couldn't help but ask, "Are you disappointed?"
Kennedy, to Lydia's surprise, looked completely surprised— as if she hadn't expected Lydia to ask that at all. "Well, no. You see, I'm completely satisfied with where I'm at. I get paid enough for a substantial living and that's all I need."
This was so Kennedy. Always, saying how need comes before want.
Lydia understood that, really, she did, but she felt as if she didn't need to be reminded over and over again. Blankly staring at Kennedy as she sipped her cup of Coffee, Lydia noticed the freckle on her nose that she had failed to notice before.
Six years before.
Their first meeting felt as if it was just yesterday, both women met at Starbucks, completely by chance, and from there the sparks of friendship began to…spark.
Lydia learned that Kennedy, at the time, was out of work after being fired from her last job, another Newspaper staff. And Lydia, being sweet, caring, and girly, helped her get a job where Lydia herself worked: The Invisible Lines.
Although Lydia knew her co-workers since, like, forever— out of all the other employees in The Invisible Lines staff, Kennedy was the only person Lydia felt that she could trust. Because of her straight-forwardness, honesty, and integrity— Kennedy made the perfect companion in a workplace so scary.
The Newspaper workplace was not always a friendly place, but sometimes full of harsh gossip, lies, and outrageous sex scandals. Lydia rarely ever found herself the main focus point on a topic, and for that she was always grateful.
Kennedy, on the other hand, was not so lucky.
With every talk, chat, or conversation: Kennedy's name was right along in it. Lydia liked to believe that it was just because of the other's jealousy of Kennedy. Obviously it was not because of her success, she's been a reporter for nearly 8 years, but because of her strikingly beautiful features.
Her beauty made her a common target for gossip. But ever since she started working for The Invisible Lines, which was no later than two months ago, most people hadn't even tried to make her feel welcomed. Instead, they'd try and make her leave. But with Kennedy's head strong persona, it'd be hard to tear her down.
Lydia, in the least, was never the hot topic of the day. Not to say that Lydia wasn't a spankin', pretty doll like Kennedy, but to Lydia… Kennedy just seemed, or rather looked extremely more gorgeous.
Last edited by comrie on Wed Apr 07, 2010 1:43 pm, edited 15 times in total.
kissin' sailors




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Hey comrie, have we met? I think so, because I remember your awesome avatar. But if I'm mistaken, hey, Stella here, welcome to YWS!

Ooh, it is a bit long, isn't it... Ah well. Just try to be a little shorter next time, you'll get more reviews that way.

I. NITPICKS

A freshly, manicured hand rose— halting her.


No need for the hyphen, try a comma.

Lydia's chocolate brown hair to a rusted colored brown.


Just say "rusty brown" or "chocolate coloured" but "rusted colored brown" is too wordy and you repeat brown too much.

…feelings.


Get rid of the dot-dot-dot and capitalise, more correct and more effective.

"I've changed, Kathy." Lydia said, sternly.


Confused about dialogue punctuation? YWS' favourite article is on its way! In fact, it's here!
The spoon moving in a circular motion before it was lifted out of the filled cup and brought to pink lips.


"moved" methinks.

The age 24 is pretty damn young, if you ask me!"


Twenty four, not 24, and "the age" is redundant.
Their first meeting felt as if it was just yesterday, both women met at Starbucks, completely by chance, and from there the sparks of friendship began to… well—
…spark?


I see you've made a joke out of this, but I think you made the joke because you couldn't think of the right phrase? ;) Think of it!
The Newspaper workplace is not always a friendly place,


You've just said workplace, now you say it again, and then place. It looks weird. And also, not always friendly? Understatement, maybe?

"How could Mason Elliot, this place's GOD, not know?


Wait, so then who's Katherine?

Lydia blinked, as she met Kennedy's impatient gaze. "Oh, Thomas." Kennedy nodded. "Well, Kenny, I haven't."


What?

"Actually, Kennedy, Thomas got fired for stealing from the company, remember?"


...I think she would remember that? It seems a bit odd to just put out there.

Patrick took a seat aside Lydia and gave a weak smile.


beside.

Alright.

II. DIALOGUE & INFODUMPING

Usually those two wouldn't go together, but I kind of went off on a tangent.

This story is hugely dialogue driven. Good, great! I love dialogue, and it's a great way of telling your story. That said, I think you're overworking it a little.

Basically, I think you're trying to feed us too much information at once. There are so many names, so many little bits of information that we're just getting lost under it all. This is just a beginning! Can you not start us off with your main plot, main conflict and here it is: Lydia wants a promotion. Great! We can deal with that. And why isn't she getting one? Because of her temperament and age, basically. And that's fine. Then once you've established this, you could start mentioning a little subplot.

Here, however, we find out that she's rivals with Zoe over some guy, that Kennedy has a beau called Thomas, that she was between jobs and Lydia got her here, that Patrick has something to do with it, Mason is big but we don't know who he is, Tani is a big mouth, and... ugh. There's just too much.

Take some of it out. You have a whole story to talk about this all. Don't do it now.

Back to the dialogue: read over it, aloud, if you can. If something sounds wrong, then it is. Dialogue is all about sounding natural, no matter what information you have to convey while doing so. Relax. Make it sound like real people are talking.

II. OVERALL

Not bad at all. You clearly know who your characters are and where your plot is going, which is great!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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thanks for helping me! i really appreciated it(:!!
kissin' sailors




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comrie wrote:"You know—" the red head began while setting her legs on the table. "—you could just stop going after this title, Ms. Hollow."

Commas could be used instead of hyphens. Hyphens are generally used in speech if someone is being interrupted.

comrie wrote:The sun's brilliant rays filtered through the blinds, with a day like this you'd wonder as to why the sun was being shunned out.

May I ask why there are italics here? It doesn't seem necessary.

comrie wrote:And she expressed her feelings in the only way she knew how to express them, by—

I don't think that the "by" or the hyphen is necessary here.

comrie wrote:Lydia tried. "If you would just give me"
Katherine's eyebrows furrowed with false astonishment. "a chance?"

Commas would work here.

comrie wrote:"I've already given you one— plenty, in fact. Plus, I know how you are… the pressure, the high rank— all of it while eat you alive, Ms. Hollow."

Italicising one word has the same, if not a better effect than italicising three.

comrie wrote:Get a grip, you useless piece of crap.

Maybe you could use italics instead of bolding.


I noticed that after you introduced Kennedy that you were also referring to her as Ken, or Kenny, in no particular order. It was rather confusing-not to mention irritating- because of the inconsistency.

Despite my nitpicking, I did enjoy reading the story. I look forward to reading more of it.

xoxo,
Wildest Temptations :elephant:
"The only life worth living is the one you're truly passionate about." -- Emma Pillsbury, Glee




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I noticed that you have a lot of repetitions within the same sentence. As a general rule, don't use the same word at least in two sentences that are next to each other.
"The Newspaper workplace was not always a friendly place, but sometimes full of harsh gossip, lies, and scandalous sex scandals." scandalous scandals is redundant. If you want to really add an adjective to scandal then tell us something that does not seem so obvious about a scandal, or something more specific about this scandal. Overall, I like this story and interested in what will happen next. I am curious how the title fits into the story.
Sometimes you have to dance on bones (past experience) just to have the strength to keep going.




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thanks for the advice, everyone!
kissin' sailors




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comrie wrote: Six years before.
no later than 2 months ago


Are you going to use digits or spell out the numbers? Choose one. Normally, you spell out the numbers, but it's your choice. ^.^

Sorry, that's the only error I could find since others already covered the rest. Anyways, I really like this story. :smt003
"Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?" -(500) Days of Summer
Spoiler
My name is Eduardian.

Spoiler
Not really, though.




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You're good but you need to work on your punctuation.
Love is patient and kind. It does not envy nor boast, it is not proud. It doesn't dishonor others, it is not self-seeking nor easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. Love never fails.




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thanks nyiiri. and thanks lovexpeacexrandomx3 for the pointing out, i'll be sure to revise. (:
kissin' sailors



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