A Funny Place (Part 1)

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In the world we are in
I am a faithful citizen.
I walk the dim lit streets
Where the prostitutes creep.
*
Where the pot heads traffic,
But at least they keep active.
But in the world that we all walk,
God soars above like a conniving hawk.
*
The KKK still roams in the heart of the south,
Burning black with red, foaming from the mouth.
Color doesn’t matter but we let green rule us,
Not government, but we are awfully foolish.
*
Yet if green was offered, would we take it?
Such questions make me so frustrated.
We will take the money like a cheap whore
To buy everything we want from the store.
*
But a store filled of pregnant teens,
Is just a store filled with broken dreams.
But the preacher feels no sympathy
Because God does not feel apathy.
*
We are all just his figurines,
Split between, from the seams.
But in the this world that is driven by money
I play a spectator and I think it’s pretty funny.

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I put asterisks in because I cannot find any other way to put spaces between stanzas. This is one entire poem.
Last edited by ChristianAlexander on Thu Apr 01, 2010 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Greetings Christian, I'm LastPaladin and I see some great imagery, and some beautiful metaphors. But this poem falls apart, because of two reasons it comes across as preachy and it's kinda navelgazingny. let me elaborate on this more by doing this by stanza.

In the world we are in
I am a faithful citizen.
I walk the dim lit streets
Where the prostitutes creep.


The start doesn't pull you in, it's bland and unimaginative which is a ashame as you obviously have talent. You just don't pull the readers in. 'Faithful' is the wrong word in this poem, have no suggestions but it doesn't work. Instead of 'Creep' I suggest Plunder, it's an alliteration and sounds better.

Where the pot heads traffic,
But at least they keep active.
But in the world that we all walk,
God soars above like a conniving hawk.


This is where it starts to get to preachy, instead of 'pot heads' try druggies. And rhythm is lost with 'keep active' try instead 'they do' Second two lines no complaints.

The KKK still roams in the heart of the south,
Burning black with red, foaming from the mouth.
Color doesn’t matter by we let green rule us,
Not government, but we are awfully foolish.


This is where preaching gets over the top. It's judgemental and ultimately wrong. The KKK are hardly what they were. A better replacement would be 'The bigots'. I think you put 'by' in by mistake. and replace 'green' with 'greed'.

Also by end of this you're beginning to rant more than you should. A catharsis is good. But not here.

Yet if green was offered, would we take it?
Such questions make me so frustrated.
We will take the money like a cheap whore
To buy everything we want from the store.


This stanza is verging on just painful preaching and jaded rants.

But a store filled of pregnant teens,
Is just a store filled with broken dreams.
But the preacher feels no sympathy
Because God does not feel apathy.


It's nice imagery but with overall poem, doesn't belong. Cut it out.

We are all just his figurines,
Split between, from the seams.
But in the this world that is driven by money
I play a spectator and I think it’s pretty funny.


Ending very sardonic, but overall it's not bad, just make it less preachy and ranting. And it could be good. my main problem with this is it's nothing new, the ideas are cliched and at times they come across as more than annoying.

I hope this helped.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down



Sea and Sky- both blue. Once, in proposal, Sea turned red. Sky's father- Sun forbade so she wept as rain, uniting the lovers in defiance.
— AlexWrites