The Beginning

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As I sat on the front step of my house, the wind gently ruffling my hair, I had the same thought that I had been having for the last year, just two more weeks and I’ll be able to drive myself to school, not be late to all my classes, because my little sister couldn't’t get herself ready on time.
“Come on Mel,” I yelled through the front door.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said that over the years. Wishful thinking on my part, at the rate I was going, I wouldn’t be able to afford a car for another few years, and I would be stuck catching the same old yellow school bus, that I had been catching since year seven.
Some things never change.
Ever since I remember I’ve lived in Greenwood, with my hippie mum Joy who still thinks she is back in the seventies, had curling copper hair and amazing green eyes. And my little blond hair, green eyed sister who really was not so very little, she stood a head taller than me, had beautiful long straight blond hair, and amazing green eyes just like my mum. Mel had always got the compliments, from friends and family, everybody said that she got the ‘looks’. I’ve gotten used to all the comments off my sister ‘plain Ava’ and ‘same old Ava’. I am seventeen, and have always been small, it was something that I inherited from my mum, my long black hair would always be curling everywhere and my common brown eyes were just plain boring. I was never the centre of attention and it suited me just fine.
“Now who’s not ready? Come on we are going to miss the bus” Melody yelled at me from the front porch as she checked herself out in the reflection of the window.
This was her daily routine, spend an hour in front of the mirror and then as you walk out the door check yourself out again!
“Wakey wakey Ava it’s time to go you are always daydreaming about one thing or another it’s time to go”. Melody said, while flicking a piece of hair out of her face.
“Alright” I mumbled hitching my bag up a little on my back.
“See you later mum” we both coursed over our shoulders
“See you when we get home.”
Taking off down the drive way, which was paint and oil stained from the time when mum decided she was going to paint the car yellow, needless to say it didn’t work out.
“So I won’t be home in time for dinner tonight I have got some stuff I need to do”. Melody said while twirling a piece of hair around her well manicured fingers.
“Why where are you going?” I asked suspiciously
“Ahhhhh just studying, going to the library can you tell mum that I’ll be late and not to worry”
“Sure you are. You wouldn’t step foot in a library if your life depended on it. Where are you really going?” I pushed.
“Alright but if you tell mum, ill personally have to kill you. Brent is holding this awesome party while his folks are away and he invited me”. She told me, while practically floating off the ground.
“Isn’t he the guy who crashed his car, then got one of his mates to cover for him, so he would get in trouble?” I asked.
Not making eye contact with me she said, “No. You’re thinking of a different person”
“Ok then but don’t expect me to cover for you next time” I sighed, I didn’t believe her for a second but I didn’t feel like arguing today.
“That’s what you always say, but you always do” she laughed
It was true I just couldn’t say no to her and she knew it.
On the bus, I took my usual seat down the front and stared out the window, I could hear melody and her friends laughing at one of the jokes that she just made, having a great time while I stared out the window and watched the world pass on by. Spring had finally started to make itself known. Looking out the window, I could see all of the beautiful new blooms on the trees, that for the last four months had been covered with snow. It was time for things to start growing and changing.
Greenwood high, a place where nothing ever happens, only about four hundred kids go to this school, and since I started here we have not had one new student. The school was very old, and needed nearly everything replaced. Situated at the bottom of the towns largest mountain, it was quite remote and most kids would rather go to the bigger school in Valley Heights, an hour’s bus ride from Greenwood.
As soon as the bus pulled up to the gates the bell rang, I had to quickly hurry to my first period class English, before I got in trouble for being late.
“So did you have a good weekend”? Bell asked me while I took my seat
“Yeah it was alright, just stayed at home and hung out, what about you”?
“Nothing to interesting, dad made me and Matt go fishing, and just so you know I am so not a boat person, I got sick just sitting on the lake”. Bell cringed
Bell looked like a person who could do everything she had long curly red hair and trusting grey eyes, she was tall and graceful, something I could never achieve.
“Ha I don’t know what got into your head, you know what boats and water do to you, do I need to remind you about my twelfth birthday party”. I teased
“Oh ha-ha you are so funny. When was the last time you did anything fun”? Bell burst out stung at my teasing
Bell was often like this, things just flew out of her mouth before she thought things through, no matter if they hurt people’s feelings. Not that she wasn’t right. Living in Greenwood sort of set back what you could do on the weekend. Most people who visited here were hard core rock climbers, or people who loved to go hiking, not something I usually did.
“You call getting sick fun do you” I retorted
Our little argument was interrupted by Mr Redwing introducing a new person to the class, as I looked around the room, I noticed that everybody attention was riveted on the new student, as I turned to look at him I could understand why. He was about six feet tall, and looked like he spent a lot of time in the gym, he had brown shaggy hair, which I could imagine would feel like silk when you ran your fingers through it, and clothes that looked like they had popped out of a fashion magazine, but this isn’t what had me staring. It was his eyes. They where such a bright blue with flecks of silver, they looked like the ocean, when the sun hits the water, the view is almost blinding. No one had eyes like that they didn’t look human.
Just as I was about to point this out to Bell she whispered
“He is so hot! I could stare into those big brown eyes forever”
As I looked at him again, thinking that Bell had lost her mind, he looked straight at me and winked.
I was so stunned I just sat there like a idiot staring at him.
“As I was saying” Mr Redwing continued “This is your new class mate, Aston White he will be joining us for the rest of the year”.
Walking down the rows of desks, Ashton took the only seat left in the class room, right next to Bell. Who was practically jumping out of her seat with excitement, while the rest of the girls in the class turned and gave her looks of hatred and envy.
Mr. Redwing started his lecture on Shakespeare, seeming oblivious that not a single person in the class was paying attention to him.
“So you just moved here? How do you like Greenwood”? Bell questioned Ashton, while the rest of the class listened in, on the whispered conversation.
“Yeah I just moved here, with my dad, it’s very nice here” He responded.
To me it sounded off, like it had been rehearsed, but everybody else seemed to be hanging off his every word. So I told myself to stop being paranoid.
“Where did you move from”? Bell probed
“A place much different than this”
“Oh but where ......”
“Miss Belinda Celt! Are you paying attention to what I am saying”? Mr Redwing reprimanded from the front of the room.
“Sorry sir didn’t quite catch the question” Bell mumbled, tearing her eyes off Ashton.
“There was no question, it just didn’t look like you were paying attention, and it appears like I was right. Up the front if you don’t mind” Mr. Redwing said, while pointing at the desk in front of the blackboard.
Bell sighed and got up
“The only time he ever pays attention. What are the chances” she whispered, and stalked off to take her seat at the front of the class.
Now it was only me and Ashton, sitting at the back of the classroom. Amazing how it felt like every eye was on me, even though everybody’s head was turned towards the front of the room.
I quickly peaked up at him from the corner of my eye, and was stunned to see him looking down at me, with a little smirk on his face. I felt myself blush, and hurriedly looked away before he could notice. I quickly started copying down what Mr. Redwing had written on the board, so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I swear I could hear him chuckling under his breath, I had no idea why, it couldn’t be because of me.
“According to your book you must be Ava, I’m Ash, is this class always so boring” he asked casually with that smirk still on his face.
“Um hi, yeah it is” I stuttered out looking back down, I could still feel his eyes on me, probing into the side of my head, while I frantically tried to work out what was going on.
What the hell. First we got a new student, but not just any new student, one with weird blue eyes that apparently only I could see, he answers questions like they were rehearsed, doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention to anybody staring at him and talks to me, this was defiantly a dream.
I took the chance to look up at him, while Mr. Redwing was telling the class about the upcoming test we had on Friday. He was still staring straight down at me, I quickly turned away again my cheeks heating up again, and tried very hard to concentrate on my book for the rest of the lesson. It didn’t work. I peaked at him every five minutes and every time I did he was still looking at me like I was some sort of prize.

“Did you talk to him? What did he say? He is so gorgeous”! Bell quizzed me while walking to lunch.
“He asked me if that class was always so boring, I said yes that's it”. I defiantly wasn’t going to tell her about him staring at me for the entire lesson.
“I wonder if we are going to have any more classes with him, I hope we are, oh my god he is so hot” she swooned.
Bell kept on like this basically all the way through lunch, she didn’t seem to notice that I wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to her. My eyes had a will of their own. They were glued to Ashton, across the other side of the room and his were glued to mine.
Jessy




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I liked your story. It's not a very original topic but you made it your own. Kudos!!! Your story leaves me hanging. I love this!! I hope you can write anothet chapter about them. Ashton sounds nice. You should explain Ashton a little better. What kind of clothes? and I dont know what Bell looks like and what her personality is. Is she a girly girl? PM me when your new chapter comes out.
Chow for now,
`Sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




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Hey I'm Amie and I'll be your reviewer today :)
So I'll just jump right into it...

As I sat on the front step of my house, the wind gently ruffling my hair, I had the same thought that I had been having for the last year, just two more weeks and I’ll be able to drive myself to school, not be late to all my classes, because my little sister couldn't’t get herself ready on
time.


Firstly – keep an eye on your spelling… couldn’t’t – couldn’t
This opening is sounds too convoluted. This is because of your sentence length. (Which seems to be an issue throughout the story) Stories flow much nicer when the sentences are shorter. Also you need to be careful in general to not have commas where there should be full stops – I used to have the same issues myself but once I identified it as a problem I fixed it. I think the best way to do this is to read your work out loud, and then you can hear where the commas and full stops should be.

Ever since I remember I’ve lived in Greenwood, with my hippie mum Joy who still thinks she is back in the seventies, had curling copper hair and amazing green eyes.


There are a whole range of ways that you could show the reader that Joy is a hippie mum who still lives in the past. It’s the first rule of writing – show don’t tell.

And my little blond hair, green eyed sister who really was not so very little, she stood a head taller than me, had beautiful long straight blond hair, and amazing green eyes just like my mum.


You mention she has blonde hair twice in this sentence.

This was her daily routine, spend an hour in front of the mirror and then as you walk out the door check yourself out again!


Don’t you mean check her-self out again? This sentence feels wrong. I think you need to play around with the structure of it something like…

‘This was her daily routine. She’d spend about an hour in front of the mirror and then check her-self out again, one last time before she walked out the door.’

I don’t know if you have or not, but this piece really needs proof-reading. There are quite a few general errors in grammar and spelling which you can easily identify if you just read over your work. Like I said, I really think you should read this out loud to yourself you will probably pick up on a ton of minor errors that can easily be avoided.

Be careful of being repetitive as you have been a few times!
The more I read the more I become breathless! Your sentences are far too long!

What the hell. First we got a new student, but not just any new student, one with weird blue eyes that apparently only I could see, he answers questions like they were rehearsed, doesn’t pay the slightest bit of attention to anybody staring at him and talks to me, this was defiantly a dream.


You don’t need to sum this up for us. We have been reading and therefore know all of this information.
Also – definitely a dream (you have defiantly)

I'd also try and move away from the whole studying shakespeare in class when a mysterious handsome boy comes in because it almost seems like a Stephenie Meyer cliche. If I were you I'd change what they were studying.

Apart from all the little nitpicks I like this story and I am quite intrigued to find out what happens next!
I think it has potential to be great, but the errors just stop the flow of the story. You should really work on your sentences. I can see what you’re trying to say but the way it’s written lets the story down because I’m constantly having to decipher each sentence.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions or thoughts or anything at all, PM me. Oh, and let me know when the next part is up, I would love to read it and review it for you.

Amie
Check out my novel My Life of Insignificance

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http://twitter.com/amiemalamie

There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.




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I like your story, but I have a few suggestions:

The first paragraph is one gigantic sentence. If you broke it up into two sentences it would be easier for the reader to understand.

JessyAnnie wrote:and I would be stuck catching the same old yellow school bus, that I had been catching since year seven.
Some things never change.


There shouldn't be a comma after the word "bus".

JessyAnnie wrote:“So I won’t be home in time for dinner tonight I have got some stuff I need to do”. Melody said while twirling a piece of hair around her well manicured fingers.


The period after "do" should be a comma and it should come before the quotation mark.

JessyAnnie wrote:On the bus, I took my usual seat down the front and stared out the window, I could hear melody and her friends laughing at one of the jokes that she just made, having a great time while I stared out the window and watched the world pass on by.


This would sound better if it were two sentences. For example, "On the bus, I took my usual seat down the front and stared out the window. I could hear Melody and her friends laughing at one of the jokes that she just made, having a great time while I stared out the window and watched the world pass by."

JessyAnnie wrote:“See you later mum” we both coursed over our shoulders


You misspelled chorused.

Besides the mistakes I pointed out, you also made some mistakes with punctuation, capitalization, and spelling. I would recommend proofreading what you write next time. .
I like pirates! :pirate1:




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I think this story is a really good one, but I feel like its really familiar to me for some reason. I'm not sure about that. But I do think you should make more for this book! What I suggest is at the beginning of the story maybe use a few more comas to prevent run-ons. Sorry If I sound like a mean person for my "Nit-picking".

But I really did like the story and can't wait to hear more from you.
We don't like it because it screams,
We like it because its BRUTEL

Punk Rock




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I enjoyed the story. The idea of the blue eyes piqued my curiosity, so I'm interested to see how it turns out. The few things I saw were some grammar mistakes, places you had run on sentences or needed commas,and places you repeated yourself. I think the other people covered these, and all around I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work.




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:P I liked it...when is the next chapter coming out? :D :D :D
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe



You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss