The Deadly Clock

The ones line up on the clock
Tic…toc...tic…toc
The twos line up on the clock
Tic… toc… tic…toc
The threes line up on the clock
Tic…toc…tic…toc
The fours line up on the clock
Tic…toc…tic..toc
A five lines up on the clock
Tic…toc
One fall on the chopping block

Hmmm. I think this poem's a little bland so maybe between each tick-tock add another line describing the scene, the people all that. Oh and is this poem supposed to represent something, like a metaphor? If that's true then I'd maybe experiment with the title. I hope this helped! PM for anything!

What's the point of having all those lines? I think this might be equally as powerful as a couplet.
'Tick - The fives line up on the face of the clock.
Tock - One fall on the chopping block.'

Something like that, perhaps? I suppose that by itself it suggests something happening, but it's too vague for the reader to feel any connection or to remember this poem after they read it. Why not make this sort of a refrain (without making it a song), and keep that rhythm in a longer poem that describes the same event. You don't have to say what it is, but maybe describe the surroundings if you want? The sky? Who was there? Try it out.

PM me if you have questions.

-Hannah-

The poem is awfully repetitive. I have an idea maybe you would like.

My brother is, who is 21, is writing his first novel. In one of the scenes in his book he shows the protagonist being put to sleep in an operation room. The character hears the doctor count down from 10. In between each second the character says something.

Like (I'm going to make this up):

"Ten," I remembered how much I hated my uncle.
"Nine," I remembered my uncle caressing my shoulders.
"Eight," It was the night he took me to the carnival.

That's just an example but you could do something like that with the clock. You could even do it by hours in a room. Shake it up a bit. Think of a room where there would be a clock and make a list.

1) abortion clinic
2) a bar
3) a party
4) a church
5) detention

Make a list! Have fun with it! Don't be afraid to experiment! It's writing, man. Enjoy it!

If you have any questions, comments or you just want to talk then PM me anytime. I'm here for everyone.

Let me know if I helped. Good luck and happy writing!

Much Love,
Chris