A Tale of Ships and Sailors

I can't figure out how to put a space for splitting up stanzas so I decided to put an asterisk instead. It is all one poem though.

My beating heart, it tears and rips
While your beauty hits, sinking ships
*
Chaotic emotion, love and devotion
Set off by the patient who needs the potion
*
To cure himself of all dismay
And turn the darkness back to day
*
Amazing how my eyes stay dry
Amazing how inside i cry
*
Happiness, it starts to flee
And morose slowly takes over me
*
Dread is dread, long after dead
It drowns me out, puts me to bed
*
Emotions like a waterfall
Collapse on me long after all
*
But in the depths I lay beside
Chained to the floor; where i reside
*
I suffer long, my patience thin
Awaiting the day to veiw your grin
*
Again i ride the seas of gold
Awaiting you and the stories told
*
One day you'll rise back to the top
To be with me and set up shop
*
The day you smile and stretch your lips
I'll gladly let you sink my ships
*
Until that day I have my way
I'll live in darkness; black and gray

Hello, I'll be your reviewer. I liked this poem took me reading it twice to catch the theme. How it was actually about love. Although I like subtly but that ain't my problem. My problem is this poem doesn't suit rhyme it does need rhythm, to give feeling of ocean. Think they do it well in music. See, you don't need rhyme for rhythm.

I like this though, the rhyme just doesn't do any good, and personally I'd prefer if you gave more imagery and elaborate on each staza. Because this here is subtle yes, which is good, but it's also hard to construct an image, so make it subtle but give the reader more to work with.

Hope this helps.

Good job Christian! I'll also be your reviewer. I hope I made your day! This is a great poem and I loved the rhymes. Great imagery and I like the *. they're new and original. some of the lines that were 1 should have been 2 though I understand your need for the paragraph breaks. It worked nicely.
Chow for now,
sionarama

Hey! I thank you both so much for reviewing my poem!

@LastPaladin

Thank you so much for the review. I do agree about the rhythm. That is a recurring problem within my poetry. How do you suppose I fix that? Also, I wouldn't really call this poem subtle only because I am using a sailor's life as a metaphor for a lover's life. The first two lines are "My beating heart, it tears and rips/ While your beauty hits, sinking ships." Anything about a tearing/ ripping heart, i would think, is about love. And there is a pronoun "your" that would signify another person but maybe it is how it's read. I'll send it around a bit more, maybe it is a bit subtle. I just kind of thought all the pronouns and words that are associated with love would show the reader I am talking about a woman. Thank you again for the review! Much appreciated!


@Sionarama
Thank you very much for your review! I appreciate it. You did make my day. haha

I agree with Sionarama it is a very good piece. I liked the imagery that the words invoked in my mind. I reall liked the last stanza "Until that day I have my wayI'll live in darkness; black and gray". I also loved the way your words portrayed two meanings at once.