Earth & Its Contents
BY BEN FRANKS
Daytime TV is saved!
(Contains mild adult themes)
For thousands of years, even before the invention of the television, daytime entertainment has been sour and all about moving house. There's also been the odd dab in selling your crap at auctions too and of course the "chav get-togethers" on C4, ITV and FIVE, in which a so called experienced middle aged woman or man tries to tell two drug addicted, pregnant women that the boyfriend is in fact not the father of either of their children.
It's all very ho-ho-ho. But then, for a time, we were enlightened by the Alan Titchmarsh Show, which in truth, is like Jonathon Ross but with a gardener, yet they moved that to a 5pm slot nowadays so daytime TV went back to it's god awfulness.
Of course they show programs like "Doctors" but to enjoy that you generally need to be on the verge of over-dosing your morphene or pulling the trigger of a gun pointed at your own skull. It may seem blunt, but it's true.
Then they showed us repeats of Murder She Wrote as if we hadn't had enough viewings of crabby old American women trying to run around solving murders by gathering some OAPs in the lounge and guessing which one has the .44 calibre shoved down their pants. It was a truly foul episode of boredom, which is probably why the BBC sold the repeats over to ITV so they wouldn't have to take the baton for all the new ill voluntary police women who thought they could reinact the same thing.
But now, we're all saved, and do you know why? It's simply because nowadays all the daytime telly is so unbelievably boring that the viewings have plummeted, guess what this means everyone! It means that these corporate broadcasters are going to have to change their ways! Yippee...
...but you do realise it'll just mean more house programs with new, younger presenters and people with much bigger budgets looking to get their unbeleivably large forheads on camera. So don't open the champagne or buy a box chocolates -- just go to work, or live your life. Daytime TV is for the sad.
