Demon Street (0)

If this ever managed to be a published book - God forbid - then this would be like the blurb on the back. So kind of the prologue. Sort of.

“Damn you,” I said.

He grinned knowingly. “Too late. Someone beat you to it quite some time ago.”

At that, I paused to reconsider exactly what I was doing; it didn't take long. I was sitting in a strange apartment with a huge window overlooking a city like New York.

With Satan.

Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies.

Oh, wow.

I think it would be almost silly to mention that things didn’t seem quite so sunny anymore.

deprecatingly

Oh, gross!

“Too late. Someone beat you to that one.”

At that

Nasty.

Oh, wow.

Hehehehehe.


This is dumb. You post a crumb and ask if you should eat the whole sandwich? How're we supposed to know?

(But I like the idea so I'm voting yes. Gobble it up.)

Pork

I believe no idea should ever be abandoned (unless said idea involves a cast full of Mary Sues).

This is short so there isn't much to review. However, I noticed one thing.

He grinned self-deprecatingly

Do you mean self-depreciatingly? If you did, it doesn't make much sense because what says next counters what he did. He seems cocky from the way he speaks.

Sincerely,

Memento Mori

PS. If you ever should continue this, I'd want to read more. ^_^

Hey,

Ever read anything of Lilith Saintcrow's? She has a whole series about a woman - Danny Valentine - working (at least at first) for the devil. That series if finsihed by now, and I'm in mouring because it really was - is! - terrific. And so, if I ever saw anything of a similar theme, I'd immediately take a grab for it.

I've said that you should continue this, and now I'll add that I'll be looking forward for more, but I'm afraid I can't offer you anything else than saying that I disliked the dialogue. The "damn you" part to a devil, demon, demonic entiety. That and the answer: "Too late". It's so - common. Cliche. A bit like telling a vampire to "bite me". It's repeated over and over, and even though it might have been funny or witty the first few times, it isn't any more. Just tiresome and annoying, making me sigh with furstration.

I'd get rid of that (although the "oh wow" - very nice).

Mmm. I do have one more comment. I had this odd feeling, and I've just discovered what it was - decapitated sentences, just floating around. I'm all for the abrupt short, one line paragaraph effect, and I'm aware that this is a blurb, but consider jamming that third and fourth line together? The story would look better visually, I think, and the mentioned effect wouldn't be - overdone, so to say?

Go for it.


Esme

Yikes! What's with the bad reviews? I for one think this is really good. It's not tired and worn-out at all; it has a nice satirical ring, that's all. Very snappy.

Here's my two and half cents:

“Damn you,” I said.

Ditch the tag. "I said," is sort of blah for a first sentence. Just "Damn you," however, is intriguing.

city like New York

.

I like this phrase. It leaves me wondering.

Oh, wow.

Hilarious.

Also, I love the title of the story. Honestly, you've got something good going. I mean it.

This is cool. It reminds me of the comic attitude that Christopher Moore uses throughout his works, dark but funny. Not only that but the tone of it reminds me of the CW show Reaper. It was a very good show and it had a fun, almost underground but still rather above ground, following.

The dialogue is definitely cliché but I rather like the cliché factor if you’re doing something with a comical tone. Clichés make comedy…well…funny.

Anyway, if I were to pick this up and read the back, I would almost definitely take it home and read it then throw it at every one of my friends.

interesting prologue. i'm drawn in now.(: