You've Changed

I think about all the things we've been through
And all the simple "I love you's".
Those were the days you always smiled.
Those were the days we all acted wild.
But now things have happened and you broke me heart,
Then my world started to stumble with a start.
I felt my heart break and my eyes swell up with tears
Wondering why I ever needed you here.
You hated yourself and said you weren't thinking
Feeling my hatred slowly shrinking.
Finally, one day I decided to forgive you
But only if you could forgive yourself too.

I was glad to forget the horrid past
But I know this happiness would never last.
You started to become effortless
Saying I didn't deserve all this stress.
I promised you I would do anything for you.
And I knew in my heart that you do too.
You still never were happy again
I was wondering when your pain would end.

I forgave you is that good enough?
Apparently, no because with every kiss and hug,
All it did was cause you more pain
Reminding you of your heartbreaking shame.
You begin to loose hope and never say a word
You taking it this harshly is just absurb
You cut yourself and hate yourself so much
I think you had a long enough grudge.

You begin to start effecting me
Because all the horrible things you let me see.
I watch you mock yourself and hate even more
I even see all your grusome soars
What have you done to yourself? I ask you
It's because all the horrible things I do

I can't bear all this pain
Knowing that you've changed.
I just I can't take this any longer
Knowing you couldv'e been any wronger
Why can't you just let this go?
Pretend this never happened and let your happiness glow

I keep my chin up and my hopes high
As we do our last kiss good-bye
I take a deep sigh and walk away
Wishing this sadness would all just fade.

I just wish you come smile one more time
Then maybe everything would be fine.
But I face the facts and know it's true
You've changed and you can never be you.

____________________________________________________________

Awkward? I know. I should probally re-read this too. Most likely to do some edits later. But I really wanted to post this and didn't have much time to do so! I enjoy the nice comments and don't be so harsh, k? <3 My boyfriend and I have been having some problems. I do think about breaking up but I could never do that. But sometimes.. I really wish I could.. :-/

First of all, if you want to break up, do it. I know it's not place for relationship advice, but if you honestly don't want to be with someone, it will hurt them MORE to find out later that you stayed with them in a facade of still wanting to be with them. HONESTY IS GOOD and though it hurts first, lying hurts last.

Okay, now about the poem.
It's kind of long and repetitive, and I think it runs in circles. The main point is,
'you did something, I forgave you, but you didn't forgive yourself, you hurt yourself, and I see that you've changed a lot'. But you take up so many lines to say that! Why?

I think it might be because you're looking for the one thing to hinge your poem on. I, personally, think that you have it. It's a really hard thing to realize that someone has changed for good, that it's their fault, and that you can't change it, especially when you loved the person that they were before.

First of all, if you write another poem on this subject or are willing to edit it, try to avoid rhyming poetry. Many times, especially in longer pieces like this, I find that people write the first line of the couplet and then just fill in the rest so it rhymes, which makes half of the poem have no intended point!

Freeform might be better. And try to stretch yourself, if you can, to make this poem about the emotions rather than the events. Right now it seems like a play by play, which makes it inaccessible and dry to the reader. I know it's intense to you, because you lived through it and every word brings out the memories of the scenes that play out and the emotions that accompany them, but you skipped those entirely and THOSE are what the reader needs to see or feel or hear about to identify you.

How about, instead of writing a poem about the whole relationship, you try to make a scene that embodies one of the emotions you feel, or one of the scenes you've had yourself (without describing it like a news report)? Use comparisons to get your point across, because we can never know your own feelings. For example, try to make the reader associate obliteration or loss of a building or of a toy or of a photograph with the way that you lost the person that your boyfriend was.

Let me know if you have any questions by PM. I think I am in a rambling mood this morning and I mean to be more helpful than confusing.

-Hannah-

Hey there

Your poem was quite good. My main problem with it was the fact that it was a bit on the repetitive side. Like Hannah said, you seem to have used loads of lines to say something you could have said in a shorter, sweeter poem.

Also, I feel that your rhyming seems to be kind of forced. After reading it, the rhyming seems to get more and more forced as the poem goes on. Remember, a poem doesn't have to rhyme to be good! In fact, a lot of the time, poems that don't rhyme are a lot better than poems that do rhyme. Even though the rhyming seems a bit forced, I reckon that you have a really nice rhythm in your poem! Well done for that.

You could be a bit more descriptive at times as well. In some places, you do this pretty well! But sometimes, you do need to stretch your descriptions.

But now things have happened and you broke mey heart,

This is one example. How did he brake your heart? What did he do? You get the idea? Also, you misspelled my. Although, I'm pretty sure that it was a typo!

Overall, I definitely think that your poem has potential! It just needs a bit of editing. Read over it, take not of what us reviewers have said, and you should end up with a good poem!

As for your boyfriend. Don't break up with him, but tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you don't feel that your relationship is really going anywhere. Then you and him can try and work at it. If you still don't feel happy, then you might just have to end your relationship. Good luck!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins