Unborn

Unborn

The world I will be born into
is gonna be an awesome one.

The knives will be melted,
the bullets will be burned,

The bombs will be sent into the sky
for the worlds' biggest firework display.

Sex will be a gift of love
and my family will care for each other,

Everyone will have enough to eat
and someone to sit at the table with.

The beaches will all be clean and clear
and every kid will have grass-stained jeans,

Morality will be easily defined
and diversity will be beautiful.

The world I will be born into
is a place where I will feel alive,

A place where my life is going to be measured
in smiles, laughter and love.

Hey there, TenYo! You've got a great poem here, I have to say. It's great to see something with a positive message around here. It gets old when all I read is, "Oh, he doesn't love me, my life is over, my parents don't understand!" That alone made me pay more attention to your poem, so good job!

And good punctuation? Could I ask for more?

These were some of my favorite lines:

The world I will be born into
is gonna be an awesome one.

The knives will be melted,
the bullets will be burned,

The bombs will be sent into the sky
for the worlds biggest firework display.

Sex will be a gift of love
and love will knit my family together,

Everyone will have enough to eat
and someone to sit at the table with.

The beaches will all be clean and clear
and every kid will have grass-stained jeans,

Morality will be easily defined
and diversity will be beautiful.

The world I will be born into
is a place where I will feel alive,

A place where my life is going to be measured
in smiles, laughter and love.

Actually, the only thing I thought was wrong with this poem--and it wasn't wrong at all, just a bit awkwardly phrased--was this:

Sex will be a gift of love
and love will knit my family together

I like both of these lines, but together...It sounds a tiny bit odd, if you get my meaning. I would suggest using those lines still, but in different places from each other.

Overall, awesome work! Keep it up. If you have any questions or would like another review, please feel free to ask me!

-Knightley

Hello, TenYo. Tassen Spellbinder here to review your poem.

The first thing I noticed was in the third stanza.

"The bombs will be sent into the sky
for the worlds biggest firework display."
--you need to make worlds into world's, so it's possessive.

The only other thing I noticed was that in the fourth stanza:
"Sex will be a gift of love
and my family will care for eachother,"
-- You need a space, making it 'each other' Also, I would end the second line with a period, not a comma.

An excellent poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Hey there TenYo!

Like the other reviewers have said, I really liked your poem! Agreeing with Kinghtley, I am so glad to be reading a positive poem for once. One that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists for once. I congratulate you for that!

I can't really find any nit-picks at all! The other reviewers have pointed out any negatives anyway, and I don't really need to be repeating what they've said.

A place where my life is going to be measured
in smiles, laughter and love.

I loved the ending of this poem! It kind of sums up what the entire poem is about. This, in my opinion, is very effective.

Overall, like I've said before, I really did like your poem! The grammar and punctuation is perfect, so thumbs up for that.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey I really like this poem. It defined the world I'd like to live in. "Grass stained jeans" Nice man *LIKED* This should be featured.

Hi TenYo,

This is about the most uninterestingly optimistic thing I've ever had to read. Yes, happy poems can be as powerful and deep as any others, but frolicking through the grassland and singing songs of love for five stanzas isn't doing anything for anybody.

A poetry needs to be built on the backbone of a plot. It doesn't matter which story; you cannot simply have lofty ideas and leave it at that. I will grant that you try to introduce some sort of subtle conflict in your lines, but you do a poor job of expanding on them or even making clear what they are in the first place. We have some vague collection of "good things" coming out of nothing. What does this even mean? How are you planning to achieve this? What's the purpose of this poem anyway?

TenYo wrote:Sex will be a gift of love.

Are you implying that it currently is not? Elaborate, as many would say that sex is indeed a gift of love. This is but one example of how you have failed to reconcile your ideas with reasons behind them, or even a connection with the readers' experiences.

Hope that helped,
Galerius