The Inspection (Part 2 of 2)

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Despite what many of her employees might say about her, Allegra did not enjoy murder at all. It was a very unpleasant crime, but necessary in her line of work.

The only joy she took from it was finding new and creative ways to carry out the unfortunate sentence. The alligators were a new touch. She’d had them flown in from The Southern Colonies of Poland. She found them quite poetic. Allegra liked things to be poetic.

However creative and unusual her methods were, they were generally very effective, which is why she was surprised- only a few short hours after she had carried out her latest sentence- to find Felix Van Doren on her doorstep. He was dripping wet, but he certainly did not look as if he had just been devoured by alligators.

***************************************************************************************

It turned out that in addition to his high self esteem and great hair, Felix Van Doren also happened to be incredibly lucky. If you asked him about it, he would tell you that it was because he made his own luck. Literally.

Felix did not believe that luck just happened on its own; he believed that it was something you had to strive for. That was why he always carried a vial of his lucky “Ambrosia” with him. It was an old family recipe – part mead, part a whole lot of other things – that seemed to get him out of just about every situation that his quick thinking couldn’t.

It seemed that, as well as being a great substitute for invisible ink, sealing letters, greasing hinges and bribing small children, Ambrosia was also- to a reptile- a tasty meal. The alligators devoured Felix’s last bottle, which although it was quite lamentable, happened to save him from the even more lamentable fate of being devoured by alligators himself. He saw it as a decent compromise.

Under the ancient city (under the modern city) of Luxembourg, there is a thousand year old sewer system that stretches all the way from the north of the capital through to the south. Felix had thought it was just a myth. The myth did not mention anything about alligators, but knowing Allegra he couldn’t really say that he was surprised. The myth was evidently behind on the times.

After a few frantic minutes of sloshing through the ancient sewers, he’d managed to find his way out. And so- after an hour-long walk across town- he arrived on his employer’s doorstep approximately two hours after she’d sent him to his death.

Allegra opened the door.

“Yes-” She noticed Felix, and sighed. “I suppose those alligators aren’t really a practical solution. Wait here for a minute. I’ll have Daphne fetch a machete.”

She made no move to leave.

“You said that you’d let me go.” He glared accusingly at her.

“I did. I also never said where I’d let you go. I always keep my word Felix. But you wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Her fists were clenched tightly. For all her feigned nonchalance, Felix could see that his resurrection had unsettled her.

“Allegra! Don’t you trust me?” He smiled, pleased to have the upper hand in their relationship for once. His boss was rarely unsettled. She was more of the unsettling type.

“Considering that a mere two hours ago you sold out the UnIncorporation at the slightest sign of danger to yourself, I’m going to say no.”

“Considering the size of the knife and the character of the person wielding it, I would say that it was much more than the slightest sign.”

Allegra reached into the hall behind her and pulled a dagger out of the umbrella stand, never taking her eyes off of him. He supposed, seeing as Allegra had just tried to kill him, that he should be uneasy with the fact that she was holding a dagger, but he knew that she wouldn't want to literally have his blood on her hands. She preferred to defer that position to her minions. The attempted murder was more of a wound to his ego than anything.

“I just walked halfway across the city, soaking wet, to come see you- immediately after you tried to kill me. Don’t you even want to hear what I have to say?”

“Not really, no.” She began to sharpen the dagger on metal door frame.

“Daphne is a spy.”

That caught her attention.

“Or a traitor. Or both. Go to the meeting early tonight, and watch for her. She’ll arrive about half an hour before it starts and be off with the crown jewels of Bohemia long before anyone else even arrives.” He was guestimating a little on the last part, but knowing his luck, it would slide.

“You expect me to trust you?”

“Oh, come on Allegra. You really think I didn’t know it was you? Do you “Inspect” people often?”

“Of course.” She ran a manicured finger along the dagger, testing its cutting edge for sharpness.

“And have you ever caught a disloyal employee before?”

“No. But I make it a habit not to hire any.”

“Allegra, you’re a terrible actress; any employee with half a brain could see that it was you. And the rest are too stupid to connive. You might have almost pulled it off without the candles and the robe... well not really. Shall we go to the meeting?”

Allegra hesitated a moment, before nodding. She did not put down the dagger.


***************************************************************************************

The next day, as Daphne was being taken to a secure holding facility for “questioning” Felix was enjoying his much deserved promotion. His sprained wrist was healing nicely, but his suit was unfortunately not. He supposed he could write it off as a business expense. Felix had yet to figure out any of the benefits or responsibilities of his new promotion, but it paid better. And when it came down to it, Felix knew that money was what was most important.

He’d always thought that Daphne was suspicious. Admittedly, a good deal of it had to do with the time she told him his shirt looked like a woman’s blouse. But, regardless, he’d had his suspicions even before last Friday, when he’d seen her at the Fifth Street Bank depositing an unusually large envelope. She had assisted him with a delivery at the palace of the Duke of Luxembourg that day, and on Saturday the Duchess’s necklace was reported missing.

All he’d needed was evidence, and the right moment to act. It had all been quite easy. Well not really- mostly it was luck. And that was something that Felix never ran short of.

Felix Van Doren was terrible at many things; he was an appalling cook, would probably take candy from a baby if you paid him enough and couldn’t sing to save his life. But one thing was for sure – he was good at his job.
Last edited by Nephthys on Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- There is no sin except stupidity - Oscar Wilde -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-




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Despite what many of her employees might say about her, Allegra reallydid not enjoy murder at all. She found it very unpleasant that in her line of work, it was a crime that she often had to commit.
Second sentence is a little bit awkward there. Maybe re-word it to something like, 'It was a very unpleasant crime but neccessary in her line of work.'

The only joy she took from it was finding new and creative ways to carry out the unfortunate sentence. She’d thought up the Inspections years ago, as a way to test the loyalty of her employees. [Less is quite often more. the reader doesn't need this repeated. They get the inspections thing.] The alligators were a new touch. She’d had them flown in from New [Repetition of new somewhat discomforting. Maybe change the place?] Poland. She found them quite poetic. Allegra liked things to be poetic.


It turns turned [Don't change tense.] out that in addition to his high self esteem and great hair, Felix Van Doren also happened to be incredibly lucky. If you asked him about it, he would tell you that it was because he made his own luck. Literally.


Under the ancient city (under the modern city) [Your humour doesn't quite hit home in some places but I liked this line. It's quite a gentle humour and you can get away with it so long as it doesn't get to the point where it distracts the reader from the action.] of Luxembourg, there is a thousand year old sewer system that stretches all the way from the north of the capital through to the south. Felix had thought it was just a myth. The myth did not mention anything about alligators, but knowing Allegra he couldn’t really say that he was surprised. [I don't like this line. I think it would be better to say, '...did not mention anything about alligators, but the myth had not met Allegra.' or '...but the myth was obviously behind on times.'


As a side note, you have a large section of telling here and I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to carry on from where you left off. You could show us Felix escaping from the alligators and skip the needless ramble about Allegra not liking to kill people.

“Not really, no.” She began to sharpen the dagger on [color=red]the metal door frame.


I'd like to see more of their emotions during this discussion. Is Felix nervous? She has just come very close to killing him. Even the best of hit men would surely be locating their exits at this point.

And when it comes down to it, isn’t money what’s important?
Don't like the rhetorical question, it doesn't fit your style. Maybe, 'And when it came down to it, money was important.' or something like, 'Felix knew the importance of money, he liked money.'

He’d always thought that Daphne was suspicious. Admittedly, a good deal of it had to do with the time she told him his shirt looked like a women’s woman's blouse. But, regardless, he’d had his suspicions even before last Friday, when he’d seen her at the Fifth Street Bank depositing an unusually large envelope. She had assisted him with a delivery at the palace of the Duke of Luxembourg that day, and on Saturday the Duchess’s necklace was reported missing.


The ending was quite nice. Brought it to a smooth close. I'd have perhaps liked something a bit more exciting but good, nicely written.

Plot

Alright. You did this better than I expected after reading the first half. Your story actually went somewhere, that's good. I enjoyed it. Nice, easy reading. I'd suggest perhaps adding just a little more excitement though, you skim over the scenes that could be the best. Like escaping from the alligators. Take that and make it realistic. Show us a plausible way of escaping from them with custard. Or show us an exciting scene of dodging snapping jaws and all but losing his hat. I want to see Felix struggle properly so that when he goes to see Allegra the reader thinks he's crazy, it's more of a twist.

Can you build tension? Survey says maybe. Your atmosphere is a little low, perhaps because your tone is very smooth or maybe because you don't bring in the five senses enough. This is borderline telling at the moment. You need to really get into the middle of the action and give us some descriptions. What smells are there? Maybe describe the texture of something he touches? He could feel the reptillian skin of the alligators slick with the sewer filth or he could spend his whole time walking down there holding his nose. Little details are what involves a reader in the scene.

Dialogue

This was better. You're still leaning toward the over-dramatic though. Characters can come up with good lines without having to say long, eloquent sentences when they're about to be stabbed. Maybe at least give him some trouble getting that out. Maybe she takes a few swipes at him? Tries to distract him with conversation to finish the job?

Also, I'd like to have Daphne speak more in the earlier part now. I don't feel that the reader is aquainted with her chaarcter enough to care that she turned out to be a spy and will now take the fall, etc. There needs to be a longer scene if she's that important. Or a seperate scene. Maybe start with the events earlier that day, at the palace. That way we get to see Daphne and Felix together and our own suspicion can be raised. You can describe him seeing her deposit the money and his suspicion at the missing necklace.

Overall

You've got a good base for a short story here. With a little tweaking, I think it could be even better. The basics of the genre are there, you've got the framework for some interesting characters so go for it. Do some expanding and see if you can tighten the plot up and make this feel more whole. Thanks for the read,

Heather xx
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Hi i am here again to review your story.
It was indeed a nice read and I am really excited to read more and see what happens next.
-> When Allegra found Felix alive, her reaction was really less than one expects.
There are some grammar mistakes.Here are they:
She found it very unpleasant that in her line of work, it was a crime that she often had to commit.

I find that there is something left in the sentence.The part after and before the comma are supposed to be two different ones.


The myth did not mention anything about alligators, but knowing Allegra, he couldn’t really say that he was surprised.


Allegra reached into the hall behind her and pulled a dagger out of the umbrella stand, never taking her eyes off offrom him.


The next day, as Daphne was being taken to a secure holding facility for “questioning”, Felix was enjoying his much deserved promotion.


Admittedly, a good deal of it had to do with the time she told him his shirt looked like a women’s blouse.

Sorry, but I couldn't understand what it has to do with the suspicions on Daphne. Maybe I don't get it so please explain.

I liked everything but you need to describe the character's more. I think you will do that.Wish you all the best for next part.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



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