Oh High Plains Drifter *Edited*

And where shall death find thee, oh high plains drifter,
when at last a bullet finds itself in your back?
Killed by a coward- not a man fit to fight,
he'll put an end to your wandering ways.
Your horse will ride on till the saddle rots off,
while the coyotes find your bones fit to chew in the dark

This is the way of your breed, oh nameless man.
Death shall find you alone on the cold high plains.
Perhaps come sweet spring flowers shall grow near
and mark the place where your travels ceased.
But more likely, another shall come along,
almost like you, but without all the years,
and from atop his horse, think it all unremarkable
just another spot in a lonesome world.

Do you have no one to miss you?
No one whom you touched enough to mark your passing?
Did you show idle mercy to a beggar,
a bit of coin or a bite of food?
Did you stand beside a beleaguered man,
lend your gun to his in an hour of need?
Did you stop and show courtesy to some woman,
remember your manners for a lady fair?
Or did you pass along your way in silence cold,
a distant man in the empty spaces; where people seldom trod.

No knight, no brigand; merely a man,
now turning your path to the high plains.
What do you care for hope or doom?
Such is life, when home is far away,
over the mountains and the rivers-
the rivers you follow to some distant sea.
But is the ocean meant for you, oh gunslinger?
You deal in lead and death; they shall deal with you.

Good day, Conrado,

I like this poem a lot. Your narrative style does well here, but I would recommend trimming any and every excess words that you can eliminate, because any word drags a poem. The less words, the better, but the more weight you can put it, the better the excellence.


See here:

he'll put an end to your wandering ways.

I don't like this line; the change in tense, though understandable, is a bit of a catch-and-trip. I would strongly recommend rewording this to better suit the surrounding lines.

And, also,

This is the way of your breed, oh nameless man.

Too preachy of a line; stray sentence, way too straightforward and not worth it. Can be eliminated entirely because it's not doing anything glamorous for us. It's kind of an isolated puzzle piece, and really, if you isolate most of your lines, they sound a touch awkward. They need to stick together.

So! Monsieur Rice. A few things.

> Find that poetic voice. You know how people say to find your spark in talent? Find it in poetry. You have potential. I'd like to see it put to use. Dig deeper for it, and you'll find it.

> Don't rely so heavily on narration. "This is," "He said", "We did" -- these phrases bog down poetry and should be reserved for prose only. Any extra words in poetry translates to deadwood in most people's minds, and the only advice I have for that is to kill it.

> Poetic devices might be a new best friend?

> Lastly! Vary up your word choice, sir! It will come in handy in the long run, because it eliminates the obvious nuisance of repetition.

Good work, Coon. Good work. Keep this up.

June

Connie,

Now this is much, much, much better then your other poem. I really did enjoy this one. The image you created was just lovely.

Now, there are larger issues that surround your poem.

As June said, you have the potential. Your really do. You just aren't reaching down deep enough. Your poems are lovely, but they have an underlying potential that could step them up a level. You shouldn't be afraid to let that out. You will either screw up or create a brilliant piece. No going around that.But it can probably be the most rewarding experience for you to grow and develop your poems. Right now you're stuck in the middle, get out of the middle!

And poetic Language! Swallow up the information you read around this site or in articles. It really can be your lifeline in poetry.

Keep it up.

Kamas

Am not much of a poet but i think you did a great job with your story making it a poem.
But i must add that your words at the start
"And where shall death find you"
indicates a continuation of a conversation between the poet and the "high plain drifter".
It would have been more constructive if it just started with...
"Where will death find you".
Next time try to be more rythmatic its the flavour in poetry.
Keep the poems coming we need it sometimes to sleep.

And where shall death find thee, oh high plains drifter,
when at last a bullet finds itself in your back? < Excellent first lines, they hooked me in and are beautiful at the same time.
Killed by a coward, not a man fit to fight, < I am, admittedly, a fan of dashes/hyphens while others may not be. All the same, I’d suggest that you use a hyphen instead of a comma after “coward”, it gives more impact than you have right now, and I think that impact would be helpful.
he'll put an end to your wandering ways. < This line is perfect for your setting, both in tone and word usage. I’m quite enamoured with it.
Your horse will ride on till the saddle rots off,
and it shall find its own freedom, < I’m not sure I like this line at all. It’s too short in terms of syllables, considering your other lines, and it has less purpose. Yes, the horse is connected to the rider but it’s much less important than you’ve made it here. I like the idea of it, but I’d suggest tinkering with the line, although I’m not entirely sure what you could include in here instead. Actually! Consider deleting the line all together, it’s not necessary if you don’t really like it, and the shorter feeling works well.
while the coyotes will find your bones fit to chew.

This is the way of your breed, oh nameless man. < I don’t mind this line so much, but it also doesn’t do anything for me. It’s a line that merely exists, if that makes sense? Yes, it’s clearly a comment on humans, or perhaps on drifters, but it feels a little too political in this way. It makes the poem into a comment on, rather than just a poem. This may be a personal bias, I tend to write without purpose or intention. So this is just a line to consider tinkering with.
Death shall find you alone on the cold high plains.
Perhaps come sweet spring flowers shall grow near, < Lose the comma here.
and mark the place where your travels ceased.
But more likely, another shall come along,
almost like you were, but without all the years, < I’d lose the “were” here, saying “without all the years” suggests the past well enough to push your point.
and from atop his horse, think it all unremarkable.

Okay! I’m not a fan of your last line at all. I think it leaves the poem hanging in a way; I’m still looking for a tone of finality, which I kind of lose here. This may change if you alter the poem at all so consider alterations before you touch this last line, because as lines go, it’s quite good.

I like the poem! You already know this, I’ve mentioned it to you. But! What I say now is that I love the narrative and the flow of the poem. You stick in little bits, your rhythm gets a little off with your use of syllables – when you’re writing poetry do what you can to read it aloud, however silly you feel. Reading it out aloud will show you how hard it is to stumble over some words and how the poem flows. You’ll often find a line too long or another line too short or confusing. It’s an awesome tool for editing.

I can see you’re not underestimating poetry as a storytelling format which is always so good to see, I read many poems that are too tentative with the format, explore and have fun with it! You’re clearly improving and growing into your own skin, and this one seems to suit you very well. The best thing about this poem, I feel, is that you’ve used words and structure to your advantage, you tell a beautiful story in poem format without losing the poem feel, which can be excruciatingly hard.

All in all, this is lovely work; my only suggestions are those I’ve mentioned above.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

The imagery in this poem is epic. End of sentence. Major props for that. I love, love the first stanza. It flows wonderfully and makes me think of something Whitman might write.

So the nit picks I have, for the most part, are tiny ones. My biggest complain about the whole thing I can't explain well with examples but can only explain as such: slim it. Thin it down. Get rid of words you don't need and make it as solid with as few as possible. Use your best words and throw away the useless ones. I can give you a bit of example, but for the most part this suggestion can be used on any and every line.

while the coyotes find your bones fit to chew in the dark

This is a great line, it really is, but you can make it so much better. You have more words here than you need, and you can make it into something that has more life. I'm not going to give you exactly what I think you should use, but as an example you could say instead, "while coyotes chew your bones in the dark". Bad example. But something more direct. I think the line "find your...fit to chew" just takes up too much space for the sentence. Again, you could do this in a lot of places, just to slim it down and give it the most power possible.

almost like you, but without all the years,

I hate this line and completely think you should delete it and pretend it never existed. But this is my opinion.

Did you show idle mercy to a beggar,
a bit of coin or a bite of food?

I don't like that you tell "mercy to a beggar" then show it with the next line. Just skip the telling and move to the showing. This isn't true for all the other lines that are like this, but think on your own whether you think it applies.

Or did you pass along your way in silence cold,
a distant man in the empty spaces; where people seldom trod.

The semicolon irks me something awful. You don't need any piece of punctuation there. I think this also might be one of the places where you should slim things down.

over the mountains and the rivers-
the rivers you follow to some distant sea.
But is the ocean meant for you, oh gunslinger?
You deal in lead and death; they shall deal with you.

I don't very well understand this bit and as such I don't like it. Why is he following rivers to the sea? and why is lead and death dealing with him? We already know he's dead - or will be. I just don't understand it. I'm not sure if it's only because I don't understand it or what, but I feel like this isn't a solid enough ending for the rest of the poem. It's hard to follow up so many great lines.

So yes, nit picks, but necessary ones. This is a damn good poem and you should be proud.