What if?

What if the world came crashing down,
you screamed, but they didn't hear a sound?
What if you fell in forbidden love,
Whose arms were much, but not enough?
What if we lived in a tyrannized land,
There was no one to help, or to take your hand?
What if God left us hanging, abandoned us,
And out of his people, blood would gush?
What if there were no summer days,
just freezing cold and ice-glazed rain?
What if there was no bright-white light,
Just bitter cold, and rotting life?
What if thy knew how it felt,
To be left hanging in the depths of hell?
To have your heart broken, and you will see,
All of these answers shall soon describe thee.




This poem was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, and a bit old-fashion-ish, but I think it turned out pretty well!

You're right, this has turned out well, and there are a lot of good things to say about it, but if I spend time on them it's not really going to help you improve it... Here are some things I would change:

What if the world came crashing down
you scream but they don't hear a sound?

You've started in the conditional tense here, so you need to continue like that: "you screamed but they didn't hear a sound?"

What if you fell in forbidden love
Whose arms were much, but not enough?

Something about the first part of the second line just doesn't work for me. I know that "love's arms" is supposed to be a metaphor, but it seems as though you're quantifying the arms and not what they yield. I think it just makes more sense to change it to something simpler like "Which yielded much".

What if we lived in a cruel-ruled land
There was no one to help, or to take your hand?

The second line's fine, but "cruel-ruled" is pretty weak. The word "tyrannised" might work here - I know it's a different number of syllables, but I think you can get away with that - it makes the rhythm a bit more interesting.

What if there was no bright-white light
Just bitter cold, and rotting life?

It might be better, instead of "bright-white light", to go for an adjective which shows the symbolism of the light a bit better - "redeeming"? If you're using really correct English you should put "were" instead of "was", because, again, it's the conditional tense.

To have a heart broken, and you will see,
All of these questions shall soon describe thee.

Instead of "a" heart, I think you should put "your" - "a" sort of makes it sound as though you have more than one heart. I'm not convinced of your use of "thee" in this line, either. You can't make something sound old-fashioned just by using "thee" and "thou" - you've written all of this in modern English and it's odd to suddenly switch to middle English.

Overall, you do tend to go for half-rhymes rather than full ones, which are usually best avoided - "love" and "enough", for example, don't really rhyme - but this is all really harsh; you've created something to be proud of and I hope I've helped you to write even better in future.

Hi Lived!

Well, I could argue how well it turned out, but that isn't much help now is it?
I'm just going to give you my two cents.

Firstly, what if? What if? What if? And it goes on. I have a big dislike for poems that use questions as their basis and there are so many so close together. Think of it as: I give you a question, and while you are pondering it I'm babbling out other questions. How useful is that you yourself and me? I'll get next to none of my questions answered, and you'll just be thoroughly lost. You want the reader to appreciate your poem? Don't drown them in 'what if?'s.

To continue on the questions: In poetry you want to loosely guide the reader through each possible contemplation. Give them a pre-molded perspective. Think of poetry as subtly getting people to think the way you do, but still giving them a bit of a loose leash.

But by now I'm blabbering, I'm interested to where you can take your poetry.
All the best,

Kamas

Hey there.
It's good to see some new people posting automatically! Hehe.

Nitpicks:

What if the world came crashing down
you scream but they don't hear a sound?

You should at least have some kind of punctuation in your poetry, even if it seems unnecessary. So after "down" you should have a period or comma and after "You scream" I feel like there should be a comma, 'cause you know: there should always be commas after the word "but" in this sort of text.

What if you fell in forbidden love
Whose arms were much, but not enough?

Comma after "love." You're going to describe something, with a "which," or "whose," etc. so you need a comma.

What if we lived in a cruel-ruled land
There was no one to help, or to take your hand?

The first line doesn't flow so easy into the next line. It feels like there is a need of the word "And," which you should probably add.

After all the whole thing I reread the poem a couple times and in almost every stanza you need to fix your punctuation. A lot of the sentences are in need of commas or semicolons or even periods. It would take a long time for me to fix all of these;so just go over some and listen to yourself read the poem out loud. Where do you pause for a while (period) and where do you pause shortly (comma)?
The last stanzas in the poem I could see a little trouble. It kind of stumbled to finish. You just need some work on feeling the emotion of the ending. I don't exactly know how to describe it, but if you don't understand PM me. It ended really kind of impressive though, because you were talking about all these things, but the whole time you were just talking about a broken heart. Very cool.

Good job, keep writing, and stay chill.

-CreativeFreak

Hi there, Kim! Here as you requested =)

A rhyming poem! Overall you did a neat job on it. There were some places where the rhymes felt kind of forced, or weren't really proper rhymes, like "felt - hell". Seeing as you have some incredibly strong rhymes, e.g. "bright-white light", looser ones really stand out in the crowd as inadequate.

All these questions make the poem a little choppy. It's like "Question. Question. Question." But where are the answers? I can see where you're coming from, but it's like dumping the poem on your reader. Don't get me wrong, now, though -- I think it should always be ensured that readers will have to work a little on their reading experience. ;D So good job for not letting them away too easily. However, don't make them do all the work. Give us something else than just the questions. You might also want to try getting rid of the choppiness, by rephrasing and -wording some places.

You had nice things going on in there, though. I liked the conclusion a lot, so good work. I hope this helped, and just PM me if you have any questions.

See you around!


Demeter
x

*Likes* It's featured again!!! Now you can't complain, Kim. lol. I don't know how to review the poetry but I liked how the questions formed a story and how it rhymed. I really hope the what if's don't become reality That would be scary. I really liked the poem.

-Crescent

Loved it. But you were inconsistent with capitalization. Some of the grammar doesn't seem right.
But overall it rocks! It almost perfectly describes what it feels like to have a broken heart. Really cold, left hanging.
Hope you make more of these kewl poems. Great job!

nice! i loved it but as what they said.. capitalization and grammar.. there's kinda wrong to it.. but I really liked it!