I have no title yet...

Once I stood in my human binds
Watched over by Artemis.
Never cleaner or purer
In the eyes of the gods.

I strode through life like a flame
Endless icon of desire
Until my fire was stolen
And I abandoned by my watcher

Put upon by some evil
Who had no right to steal upon
That, which to him
Did not belong.

I had smelt his demonic stench
Weighing heavy on my lungs
His carcass lay heavy as he
Painted me black

Abandoned by Artemis
My retribution must be attained alone
Though not in this life
Confined by my human bonds.

First thing, after reading your disclaimer, if the poem tells a story, shouldn't it be in narritive, like your other one? Just a thought.

Who had no right to steal/That which, to him/Did not belong.

That is a bit awkward just because it is so out of plce with the other lines. And it just seems odd. I cannot really describe what it is that annoys me about it. Sorry.

I had smelled his demonic stenchWeighing heavy on my lungs/His carcass lay deep as he/Painted me black/Abandoned by Artemis

. I don't know if you can smell demons but I certainly can't, so I have no idea what a demonic stench is. You may want to be a bit clearer on that.
Err, the carass thing seems a little random. And the painted me black, what does that mean? I have no idea what so ever. (sorry, I am feeling stpid from all of this.)

Other than that, I like the story/poem thing. Good job.

Goo luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

amiemalamie wrote:This again fits with the other poems I have submitted on here, which all tell the story of a girl who eventually commits suicide.

Once I stood in my human binds

(shouldn't this be bonds? since binds is a word that i am pretty sure does not exist)

I had smelled his demonic stench
Weighing heavy on my lungs
His carcass lay deep as he
Painted me black

(as it was said before I'm not sure you can smell demons and the carcass bit is a bit random and does not make sense. as for the painted me black bit? i don't get it...why would he paint you black?)

other then these things it's a really good poem...better then mine i believe