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(E&iC) Could it be more ridiculous?

BenFranks · 2010-01-25T20:51:40Z

Note: Minor reference to strong language. Earth and its Contents (Another extract from my column-based book) Could it be more ridiculous? Whilst having a most riveting walk through the supermarket, Sainsburys, I soon discovered that the cost of a pack of five Brambley apple doughnuts was just 44p. Having pondered on the thought of it, I decided to buy them. Yet, I vividly remember having said to myself, “Last week, these were 65p.” So, the deal was 21p off. Could it be more ridiculous? Clearly some corporate junkie in an office has decided that reducing a pack of doughy sugar by 21p is going to get the market crawling for Brambley apple doughnuts and the annoying thing about this bastard is that he’s right. By sticking up a little label in front of these boxed ‘delights’ reading, “Was 65p, now only 44p”, idiots such as myself have been drawn into the illusion that such an offer was good; resulting in me buying a pack of doughnuts I’d have never bought if the deal wasn’t there. This is probably why that bastard’s in corporate and I’m in school, buying doughnuts at the weekend to munch over, whilst reading a stupidly devised revision guide for GCSE Physics with my mates. Anyway, my point is if that sign had read, “21p off doughnuts,” I might’ve reconsidered such a purchase. However, in all honesty, probably still bought them. So, you may be thinking, what on earth could I possibly have to moan about? I mean, every penny counts, right? No, it doesn’t. Pennies are silly and so are doughnuts. 21p in the long term would only end up in my blazer pocket so I could purchase a pen off of my French teacher in order to copy down lines in a foreign language in an effort to “learn.” Instead, I’ve spent 44p on something I don’t even particularly enjoy, nor have the most favourable outlook of. You see, let me explain to you the noun that is “doughnut.” In the E&iC dictionary, it clearly states that a doughnut is a piece of dough cooked poorly enough to go out-of-date on the same day its purchased, stuffed with fillings that nobody can be sure are fillings and then covered in a kilogram of white sugar, probably funded by a drugs cartel in Cuba. That’s the first problem with this ridiculous fandango. I’ve wasted 44p on crap and ended up with pennies that are soon-to-be consumed by my French teacher. The second problem is far more serious. Not only was I sitting and reading a disaster of a revision guide with illustrations drawn by Matt Damon on steroids, but also when I came to eat the first bite of my Brambley apple doughnut I was greeted by the most unusual of Brambley apples. It was custard. So, whilst that corporate junkie from earlier had driven effort into selling a weekend’s worth of Cuban funded sugar-dough, some drunk baker had put the eggy-like, lumpy cream filling – that idiots call ‘doughnut custard’ – in MY Brambley apple! Upon discovering this, I was furious. There was only one thing I could possibly do to combat my rage. I took to eating two of these custard doughnuts and making sure my mates finished up the other three, before writing a stiff complaint to Mr. Sainsburys for being such an arse. No, I’m not over-reacting. Before clicking send, however, I decided to rethink my argument and came to the unusual decision that I’d let this go. I mean, I don’t particularly dislike that eggy excuse for a filling and I wasn’t exactly too bothered about apples, besides I had eaten them all with a little help from my friends and pocketed 21p off. I guess in a way it wasn’t ridiculous. But you see, I was wrong. After discussing whether or not the new episode of Mock the Week would be any good without the legend appearances of Frankie Boyle, my friends left to return home and eat dinner. This was time I packed away the silly revision guide and considered the thought of revising biology, before dismissing the idea completely after about half a millisecond. Then, there it was. The box. I picked it up and cursed at the idea that I’d been riddled for 44p and almost had to waste my time e-mailing someone who probably didn’t even exist in the hope that I’d be repaid. It was at this moment that I realised I was wrong. There, on the side of this box was a slightly paler coloured patch and on it was a date. It read 06/01/2010. Today was the 9th. Corporate bastards. - January 9th 2010. I thought I'd post you another one since feedback was mainly positive for the other two.