shook up

images of inked converse in your reflection,
curled hair that never loses its attraction,
gleaming blue eyes flicker up and down,
ends of jeans fray when they touch the ground,
the unexpected touch of your cold hand,
the assortment of colourful wristbands,
snuggled against the beat of my heart,
how I miss your feel when we're apart,
teasing and joking so only I can hear,
whispering your thoughts into my ear.

you turned my life upside down.

whispering your thoughts into my ear,
teasing and joking so only I can hear,
how I miss your feel when we're apart,
snuggled against the beat of my heart,
the assortment of colourful wristbands,
the unexpected touch of your cold hand,
ends of jeans fray when they touch the ground,
gleaming blue eyes flicker up and down,
curled hair that never loses its attraction,
images of inked converse in your reflection.

Okay done it very good Jack

hmm.. putting aside the fact I'm usually very wary of anything with rhymes, and it took me 5 lines to catch on the the fact you were rhyming...

ok (line references using 1st stanza, unless otherwise stated, or quoted). first three lines sound forced, and I think it's partly due ot the rhyme. description seems mild.. not as dymanic as your stuff usually does.. "gleaming" seems out of place as well.. and who, exactly, is this written about? (yes, I'm asking because I want to be certain. Here, it sounds a bit scitzo.. like you can't quite decide on something)

The inversion of the stanzas is pretty cool.. sounds better to me in the last stanza than the first.. flows better. and the last line sounds better as a last line than a frist line (well, in my opinion, at least). Also, in retrospect the stanza makes more sense.. more linear seeming. Intentional?

ok. "you turned my life upside down." simple, frank, to the point, and, quite frankly, I don't really care for it. No real rhyme or reason, I just don't. does it work? yes. helpful? nope. bit cliched, perhaps.. maybe there's a better way to say this? or at least one that woudl work more for you.. ha! that's what's been bugging me about this. It doesn't sound entirely like you. That said, I have no idea how to go about changing that, if you want that changed. but it's rather impersonal, too open, this could be about half the people I know. there's nothing entirely unique to any one person. Which can either be a stroke of genius or just a stroke, depending on how it's looked at.

Thanks Mesh for telling me what I sort of already knew what was wrong with it.

I like the inversion but the actual poem is boring. This poem was totally forced. I want to write a poem about her but I just can't. Eh.

This was a bit dull... but the flip was pretty creative, especially with the line in between [which I didn't even get until the second time I read it... heh].

clever idea to flip it.