Death

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 2280
Reviews 13
You were hospitalized on Valentine’s Day.
I hoped we could pull magic out of our sleeves,
and help you live long enough to see the New Year.

The hospital smells like a piercing parlor.
Clean, sanitary, hygienic. It clogs up my already stuffy nose.
I feel like vomiting. Someone in a room is screaming.
I can smell fresh bed pans and the stench of death.

When I go home, I collapse in the bathroom and vomit.
The stench of my vomit wasn't half as bad as that of
your hospital room.

The rigor mortis sets in as I pray for the first time
in ten years. Back then, I thought life was simple and
a smile could make a human being happy for days.
I try to smile while I cry, but I end up looking like a madwoman,
screaming and sobbing into my clasped palms.

That's the first time I’ve cried in three months.
I can tell I’ll be doing a lot of it for a little while.

I remember, when I was a little girl,
my teacher asked us what we valued most in life.
People said stuff like "Barbies" and "my new toy firetruck"
and "my favorite gameboy game".

I was the only one who said "I value my Gram."

I bet everyone has changed what they value most
since then, in 1st grade.

I haven't.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 0
Reviews 10
"I value my Gram."
I think you meant gran

Why valentines day? why not something closer to New year to make it make more sense?
Overall it was good and had nice description




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 42428
Reviews 411
Hey there,
This was an interesting poem and somewhat emotional as shown by your choices in language. Excusing the odd typo, there is something that I don't really find I like and thats the length of the lines. It creates a dwell and kind of bloats the lines out for too long and you're losing some affect. It needs to be choppier and more rhythmic, but still have a dwell so I'd suggest chopping your lines up but packing it with punctuation and filling the flow with "walls". This'll really attract readers to hindering the message of the poem and not worrying about any structural affects.
Hope this helps,
~Ben



Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle