The Band (Ch. 1)

*Beeeeep Beeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeeep*

Uhg, I hate Mondays. I always feel crappy all morning. I roll out of bed and stumble into my bathroom to shower. After that I feel a little more awake. I change into a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt. I then walk into the hallway and downstairs to start making breakfast. I start cooking my own super deluxe chocolate-chip pancakes, when I hear shuffling of feet and a yawn from behind me,
“Good morning Em! Mmmm! I thought I Could smell your pancakes!” Alex said while sitting down at the island behind me. Alex is one of my best friends ever. We also have secret that we haven’t told anyone, and that is that we’re twin. We ate 100% sure! We even checked with a blood test at the doctors. We had wondered for a while because of our similar appearance, personality, and the fact that neither of us knew our real parents unlike the rest of the guys. Everyone else just thinks it’s a coincidence.
I finally finished cooking the pancakes and set two on one plate and tree each on the other four plates. The plate with two was mine because I don’t eat that much in the morning, so the other plates were obviously for Alex, Josh, Max, and Will.
Josh, Max, and Will were my other best friends. All of us are orphans and we live together in this big house. Max and Will were two and three years older than Alex, Josh, and I, so they took after us. They were the best older brothers you could ask for! They were always there for us and protected us from anything. They are also the ones with jobs so we can pay for everything. With all these boys around me it’s no wonder why I act like a guy sometimes.
Soon enough Josh walks in with a big goofy smile on his face. That boy is always upbeat and that’s why I love him. He can make you smile whenever your down or at least to stop crying. We’ve know each other since we were five and have been best friends ever since. He’s always there when I need him. He walked right over to the island and stuffed his face.
“Good morning to you too sunshine!” I laughed
We kept eating, Max and Will came down to join us. After we finished we had to get ready for school. Alex, Josh, and I go to Ashes Middle School, while Max and Will go to Ashes High School. They are pretty decent schools, as for the kids in them not so nice. Let’s just say Alex, Josh, and I are some what of wallflowers. So school wasn’t that enjoyable, but we had to go through it even if we didn’t like it.
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ok so sorry for the wait but I've had a lot of home work!
Hope this is better than last time

well first of all i'll say that i would love to see a second part to your story and see where this is going. right now it seems really basic; you're pretty much just giving introductions.

the worst criticism i have is that it felt a little blah. your descriptions were super basic and there wasn't anything exciting about what you wrote. if you can make it feel like more of a story and not be like 'beep, alarm clock. make breakfast. this is my twin brother. these are my friends. this is what they are like. we go to this school." maybe if you had more conversation between the characters so that we could see what their personalities were, it would be better than telling us.

I got that your name in this story would be Em, but it would be a little clearer if maybe you broke up that sentence like "Good morning, Em!" He said to me brightly, "Mmmm! I thought i could smell your pancakes!"

the idea of your twin is interesting, but seems a little unlikely.

you can leave out a lot of material because it is pretty irrelevant. like how many pancakes you each had, and that some went to middle and some went to high school.

it seems REALLY unlikely that a couple of teens that aren't even high school grads can provide for a family of orphans. i mean first its illegal to not have an adult guardian, and second, how in the world can they make that much money? just a few things to consider.

so i'm looking forward to your next installment on your story and finding more out about your characters send me a message if you have any questions.

Hello, thanks for sharing your story. There was a couple mistakes I noticed.

"We ate 100% sure." Just change "ate" to "are".

"... and tree on the other..." Change "tree" to "three".

Need to keep up with punctuation.

So, go through it again and re-edit. But awesome work otherwise.

tRiCk

Pretty cool. You need to check grammar though. I think the twins thing was kinda cool. I would love to see more of the story, keep writing. The title definitely got me to read it. Is the main character a female or a male? In the beginning it seems kind of male but at the end it seems like a female.

Keep writing
~Jessey