broken bone

The broken bone sears with pain, inside the house I remain.
Afraid and frightened of telling my father, I close my eyes and hope to not remember.
Remember the pain that stabs up my arm; what will happen now that I'm alarmed.
just tell him, tell him, the pain will go away. The pain is now too much, and I begin to sway.
Callesed, strong hands snatch me from my fall, I look into my fathers eyes and I know I'll be all right.


First draft, just broke my arm so... I'm extremely bored. Suggestions would be nice!

Hmm...I wasn't expecting to like it! lol, that was a compliment. haha.

snickerdooly wrote:Callesed, strong hands snatch me from my fall, I look into my fathers eyes and I know I'll be all right.

I think you should make this into two lines, starting after "fall." The poem would flow easier that way.

Oh, and calloused was spelled wrong. I hope I spelled it right.....

Good work, and I hope your arm gets better soon!

Hey there

Absolutely adore this line, despite the mis-spelling:

Callesed, strong hands snatch me from my fall

And I laughed at your ending because I thought this was part of the poem (seemed a little comic, but poetic):

First draft, just broke my arm so... I'm extremely bored

However, in terms of content and structure I didn't personally take to this poem. I didn't really feel that you put me in the place of the voice and twisted me to feel the way that you were portraying. I think you can achieve this by giving your poem some more experimental vocabulary, play around with it a little.

I'd have also preferred it if you'd broken up the liens into shorter ones because at this current point I don't feel it carries the right tone. Longer lines, I think, are more associated with romanticism and I think a choppier, shorter line length would've suited the painful experience far better.

Anyway, I hope your arm heals soon!
Keep it up & hope this helps,
~Ben

Thanks guys I'll definitely fix that stuff!
-SnickerDooly