American Brave

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I am not very good in dramatic poetry so I thought I'd just try it out. I wrote this thinking about the setting, it will clear things up a bit more. There is a battle and enemy soldiers are trying to kill people in the U.S. and the people are uniting against bad guys. They will be American Brave. please review. Any harsh critiques, you are welcome. Please rate! :smt001


Our city walls are banging from enemies' loud voices.
Aren't ours louder?

Let us stand as a nation under God-
For we know that these walls are for our freedom!

They are fearful,
Angry,
Foolish,
Wicked,
Slaved.

We are protected,
Safe,
Strong,
Faithful
Free.

Let us fight!
Keepour walls fit in the ground-
Where they were built from!

Our nation is not yet done-
Whatever man of his wickedness comes into our land with feet of sinful soil,
He must be gone by morning!
And new light upon our men's graves of honor and duty!

This is America!
The land of the free!
The home of the brave!

Chant all day long men and women and children!
When they come to destroy us- they will fall.
We are all American Brave
The natives-the immigrants-
All who see justice from the heart
And fear that builds courage, can make us stand.
Last edited by Pacific_Sky14 on Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:41 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
Come sail the stars with me
Through the sky not through the sea
Come sail the stars with me
Take me hand and make believe
~JT Lloyd




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Hey there!
I love the content of your poetry and the way you narrate this as if they were words spoken from a reader, but I would say the tone is a little choppy in parts. The first way you can fix this is to think hard about your line length. It's very important to structure it so that there's not a dwell, especially not for something like this. You need to keep the romanticism of the language, so perhaps add more commas and seperate up the lines, that way we still get the drawn in lust for language. Also, I'd be wary about the repetitive bit where your stanzas are "They are..." "We are..." because to some readers this can get a little boring.
It's punctuated superbly and I love the concept.

Keep it up,
~Ben




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Oh hey, my 100th review, lucky you, or me, I should say.
They are fearful.
They are angry.
They are foolish.
They are wicked.
They are slaved.

We are protected.
We are safe.
We are strong.
We are faithful.
We are free.
Oi, I don't really like all this repition. You should drop the repeated parts(they are's and we are's) and make them into one stanza, Like, we are protect, safe, strong faithful. We are free. Or something along those lines, eh?

Keep are walls fit in the ground from where they were built on!
Our not are?
Must him be gone by morning!
Err, He must be gone? That just doesn't sound right, otherwise.Sorry.
And fear that builts courage
Builds? Not builts?

Other than that, I liked your lines and the building or structer you've given as a scene.

Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html




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Hi I'm Ktg17 and I'll be reviewing today.
There were a few grammar errors, but not many. I won't list them because I'm sure other reviewers already have!!! :D. For just starting out, this is AWESOME!!! It really speaks true and honest. I like it alot!!! You can tell you are very passionate about this. If I were you, I would send this to some real soldiers. They would love it!!! Great Job!!
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...



I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison