Winter Wonderland Chapter 1

Sorry but this Story has been deleted until future notice

*He looked up at me and to my I looked down...* To your what?
*log-cabin-(l)ike*
*snowy capped Mountains ski resort* If Snowy Capped Mountains is the name of the resort all caps on the title.
*me and my little brother* My little brother and I.
*Christmas (v)acation*
*After (m)y*
Oh, I must end this review early! Babysitting to do. I will finish it up later.

Big kiss, review momentarily dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)

Ha, nevermind! They went home. Okay, so where did I leave off? Okay, so I finished reading this whole thing. I tried to read it all in one sitting-this was really long- but it didn't work because I kept getting distracted-I blame my dog-. So, from what I've read and skimmed through, you have a bit of a capatilazation problem. Just a minor one, I'm sure they weren't intentionally, just a slip of the finger. Your grammar is good other than that little problem you have. No quotation marks- these: "-, which is confusing. When a new person speaks, remember, new paragraph and quotations. Another thing, if she's seventeen and still in highschool, her little brother wouldn't be going to college. Well, that's all! Bye.

Big kiss, review finially dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)

Hey Ktg, Gsp here as requested.

Okay, I'm going to apologize in advance for how harsh I am in my reviews. I'm a natural nitpicker, and even tiny things like commas where there should be semicolons bug me to death.

With that said, on with the review!

My phone Rang just then and I looked down to see who was calling: Samantha.

Don't capitalize rang. Also, I think this could stand for a little more detail. Maybe try it like this.

My phone rang just then. I looked down to see who was calling, and I saw that it was my friend Samantha.

“Hello” I say. “Hey!” she says, cheerily as always “how are things going?” “ ok,” I answer” We talk a little bit longer and I tell her all about the skiing slip and she tells me about her cousins coming home for Christmas. We talk a little while longer and then we hang up. When we’re done talking I go downstairs to the food court to meet my parents. After we ate lunch, my brother wanted to check out the arcade with my dad and my mom was going to the spa, so I headed back up to our room alone again. When I reached the elevator and it came immediately. When it opened no one was in it. I got in and when the doors shut realized I had a problem. I couldn’t remember what floor our room was on. I just pushed a random button and hoped I would recognize the scenery. When the doors opened on the third floor another girl got in. Straight blond hair framed her thin, heart shaped face. She looked like the sort of person that knew everyone and everything that was going on. “Hello” she said cheerily, smiling in my direction.” I’m Laura, and my family lives in the suite here. What’s your name?”

“Anna,” I said as I shook her hand, "my family is staying here over Christmas Vacation. I live in New York though.”

“Oh ok, that’s cool!” she said. "If you ever need anything, just come up to my room.” She gave me he private room number and then the elevator was at my floor. I got off and walked right into a muscular person. I looked up, right into the face of the cute skiing guy.

*wince* Okay, I don't mean to be rude or harsh or anything, but that part right there was a nightmare.

Problem 1.) Please, PLEASE add in another line when a new person speaks.

Problem 2.) If I were you I would make "ok" into "okay". Okay looks a lot better.

Problem 3.) I don't see the point of the whole phone conversation. If you're not planning on doing the whole thing in detail, I wouldn't do it at all.

Problem 4.) It seems to me that you're swinging between past and present-tense. I would fix that. Example:

My phone Rang just then and I looked down to see who was calling: Samantha.

But then a little farther on we see:

“Hello” I say. “Hey!” she says, cheerily as always “how are things going?” “ ok,” I answer” We talk a little bit longer and I tell her all about the skiing slip and she tells me about her cousins coming home for Christmas. We talk a little while longer and then we hang up.

See the difference? The first part was in past-tense. Just in case you don't know what that is, Things like; "I walked down the road", is past-tense. Things like "I walk down the road", is present-tense.

Problem 5.) This is a big chunk of writing. I'd split it up into smaller paragraphs.

Okay, specific things now.

When we’re done talking I go downstairs to the food court to meet my parents. After we ate lunch, my brother wanted to check out the arcade with my dad and my mom was going to the spa, so I headed back up to our room alone again.

What I would do here is again, fix the tense-swinging, and put this in more detail. I would write out the scene where she ate lunch and the rest of her familiy decides to go somewhere else. It makes it much easier for the reader to relate/get attached to the character.

When I reached the elevator and it came immediately.

Get rid of the "and" here.

I got in and when the doors shut realized I had a problem. I couldn’t remember what floor our room was on. I just pushed a random button and hoped I would recognize the scenery.

One word: Detail.

You need it. A lot of it. The whole point of putting a story in 1st person is to give the reader a more in-depth view of how the main charater thinks and feels about certain situations.

“Hello” she said cheerily, smiling in my direction. "I’m Laura, and my family lives in the suite here. What’s your name?”

Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Please use it.

She gave me he private room number and then the elevator was at my floor. I got off and walked right into a muscular person. I looked up, right into the face of the cute skiing guy.

I thought she didn't know what floor she was on? Also, did you mean "her private room number"?

And the last two sentences are repetitive. "right into a muscular person", and "right into the face of the cute skiing guy". I'd change one of those "right into"s to something more unique.

“I’m Anna Reynolds.” Do you work here?”

Take out the quotation mark after "Reynolds".

“Well I hope I’ll see you around Anna.” He said

Put a period after "He said".

Also, ff you're going to put "he said" or "she said" at the end of a speech you need to put a comma at the end instead of a period, like this.

“Well I hope I’ll see you around Anna,” he said.

Alright, I'm done tearing this to shreds now, and I'm really sorry if I killed you with my harsh-ness and nitpicking.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp

I noticed that you had a capital letter in a few words in the middle of the sentence, and they shouldn't be there. I also think that you can use more details. What's the room like? What does the hotel look like? What does Anna wear? And I think it went a bit fast sometimes, you have to let the moment last as long as possible. Try to use Anna's senses. What does she smell, hear or taste? How does she feel and what does she see? By the way, you should not have quotation marks entirely up to each other.

I think this story was cute, though. You're good, but you can be better, you know? : )

Hey, I'm Kaedee and I'll be reviewing your work today! OK, let's start. *rubs hands together*

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On

-This was fun to read!

-Anybody can understand Anna's situation...most people have been in embarrassing situations like hers.

-You didn't have many grammatical problems, etc. The things I found generally are very minor.

-Hearing about Anna's situation in the beginning totally made me want to read the rest of the chapter!


Things I Don't Like (as much!)/Things You Need to Improve On

-I think you should describe the scene at the beginning more, since it is basically the biggest part of this chapter. How did Anna feel after she wiped out on the ski lift and that guy was watching her? You just describe how she blushes. Same with another part at the end, when she bumps into the same guy again. What thoughts are going through her head? This would add a lot to Anna's voice.

-You don't end the story in a way that reader says, "I wanna find out what happens next!"

-As you go on with the story, you want to show, not tell Anna's personality. I know you didn't do that, but Anna seems to have a bland personality at the moment. I hope you add on more as the story continues!

Nitpicks:

Ktg17 wrote:He was an employee and you could tell he’d had a lot of experience on ski’s

Don't need the apostrophe!

Ktg17 wrote:I was staring intently at him, his brown hair short and making him look sophisticated, the blonde highlights shining in the sun.

I would re-write this sentence like this: 'I was staring intently at him, his brown hair short, which made him look sophisticated, his blonde highlights shining in the sun.' I don't know...this sentence is a bit long...maybe break this up into two sentences?

Ktg17 wrote:I lost my footing as I landed back on the slope and immediately fell and slid down the rest of the icy hill. I looked up and saw the cute guy staring down at me. My face turned the color of my red coat as I turned and ran back into the lodge.

Huh? Did she land with her back on the slope? I don't get it. And you might want to think about the last sentence...did her skis pop off? Cuz you can't run easily on skis.

Ktg17 wrote:My family was staying in a log-cabin-Like

It should be 'log-cabin-like'. You capitalized 'like'.

Ktg17 wrote:Snowy Capped Mountains ski resort

I think 'ski resort' should also be capitalized.

Ktg17 wrote:before me and my little brother went off to college.

Technically that is correct, but I think it would sound better to say 'younger brother', since when you say 'little' it automatically makes me think of a very young child. You don't have to change this...it might sound better that way. Just sayin'.

Ktg17 wrote:of High School.

You don't capitalize 'high school', unless it is a specific high school. Cuz that's not the name of her high school, is it?

Ktg17 wrote:You see, I’m the type of person who likes reading and writing and who doesn’t get in trouble often.

The 'get in trouble often' part does not match the first half...they have nothing to do with each other! Start a new sentence, or take it out.

Ktg17 wrote:My phone Rang

Don't capitalize the 'r'.

Ktg17 wrote:The sort of best Friend

Don't capitalize the 'f'.

Ktg17 wrote:“Hello” I say. “Hey!” she says, cheerily as always “how are things going?” “ ok,” I answer”

Every time someone new speaks, you start a new paragraph. And capitalize 'ok'.

Ktg17 wrote:“Anna,” I said as I shook her hand,” my family is staying here over Christmas Vacation. I live in New York though.”

After 'hand' you need a period mark.

Ktg17 wrote:he gave me her private room number and then the elevator was at my floor.

'And then the elevator was at my floor' does not fit in this sentence. Oh by the way, at this part, you had some dialog problems again. Remember, you need to start a new paragraph once a new person/different person speaks!

Ktg17 wrote:“Hey, weren’t you the girl who wiped out on the Ski lift today? “

You don't need to capitalize 'ski' here.

Thanks for posting this! You did a nice job. I hope I helped. Keep up the good work!

~KD