My first song ever :)

I wrote this a couple days ago for a friend its the first song i've ever written, but i like this friend alot ;] and wanted to make as good an effort as I could. Tell if you think this is good enough to show to her


Oh, well, I feel so loose tonight I might fall to pieces
So be prepared to sweep me out the door
And I might be horizontal by the time the music ceases
So I think I'll get acquainted with the floor

Oh, I was trying to get away from the things that I always do
Hello, floorboards once again, how are you?

Lip Service, well, that's all you'll ever get from me
Well, how could you believe I'll take you seriously
With your cheap rewards, your blackmail, and your comical rage
Just remember you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage

All the sign posts on this road that point one way
Don't act like you're above me, just look at your shoes
I'll turn the light out now 'cause there's nothing more to say
And it's all been lost before so there's nothing to lose

Oh, but you could say that you love me very painlessly
I would've done the same for you, oh, but you said to me

Lip service, well, that's all you'll ever get from me
Well, how could you believe I'd take you seriously
With your cheap rewards, your blackmail, and your comical rage
Just remember you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage

Just remember you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage

I love it really got the message exciting and love the 2nd verse

as a song it is slightly odd that every line rhymes; it works much better as a poem in my opinion but then i don't know the accompanying tune. It's good but i think it could be refined slightly, i get the feeling it's a little rough. |Good tho, keep trying

I too thought it was a little rough. But very, very nice imagery for a first-timer

I wish someone would have told me the following when I first started to write songs:

1.) It does NOT have to rhyme (but it's fun to make it that way).
2.) Songs flow perfectly with syllable patterns that's how you put a tune to it
3.) It comes from the heart. Period.

Here's an example of syllable patterns:

You're the one I dream about this line is 7 syllables
You tell me all your secrets this line is also 7 syllables

**the last word in each line have two syllables while the rest of the words have one syllable

Even though these two lines don't rhyme, they still flow because each take the exact same amount of time to pronounce.

I hope this helps you out in the future Keep writing

Cheers
-thevoiceinside