the magic jumper short story 1

something i wrote on the spot

As he put me on the ground my feet touched the grass. Barefoot. Cold. All i could think of was him. his eyes. figure. everything that made him perfect. the problem was he wasn't.
he was a person with special powers. he could read peoples minds, fly, teleport, run fast, read people auras and future. there was no word for him but a Magic Jumper named Frighten and i was in love with him. i have been in love with him for hundreds of years, he has been chasing me through all my carnations, we are both Magic Jumpers.

every Magic Jumper has different powers. But i couldn't fly. When he took me flying that night we both said some words that touched each others soul.

"Wheather." he whispered, my ears buzzing through the wind.
"i love you." i took a deep breath wanting to say it back but before i could he kissed me. i grabbed his chest pulling away. "i'm sorry. i wasn't expecting that...go on." we soon were falling to the ground when all of a sudden he teleported us from the sky to the pyramids. on top of that it was sunset, the most romantic time of day. As we sat there kissing i thought oh my gosh...i love him to

soon it was getting it was midnight so we had to go back home i didn't want this day to end but it did.

Hmm... Is this a complete story or the beginning of something? I can't tell.

I think you need to work on basic punctuation. There are a lot of sentences that need to have their first words capitalized... Remember to also capitalize 'I'. I think you also need to expand on what's happening... Why isn't he perfect? What is the point of them being Magic Jumpers?

There are a couple of kinks, but you could fix that pretty easily. Nice story, though. It's sweet.

Hello FictionWriter, Izumi here for a review. It was a good story, but It needs some work...
Red is what I think should be changed
Blue is my Suggestion

fictionwriter22 wrote:
As he put me on the ground my feet touched the grass. Barefoot. Cold. [Try to change this into one sentence. If you only used on word, it would be fine. You did this a few times so try to change them all] All i could think of was him. his [You seemed to do this a lot. Try to get those capitalized] eyes. figure. everything that made him perfect. the problem was he wasn't.[From what it looks, he is perfect... try to mention whats wrong with him]

he was a person with special powers. he could read peoples minds, fly, teleport, run fast, read people auras and future. there was no word for him but a Magic Jumper named Frighten and i was in love with him. i have been in love with him for hundreds of years, he has been chasing me through all my carnations, we are both Magic Jumpers.

every Magic Jumper has different powers. But i couldn't fly. When he took me flying that night we both said some words that touched each others soul.

"Wheather." he whispered, my ears buzzing through the wind.
"i love you." i took a deep breath wanting to say it back but before i could he kissed me. i grabbed his chest pulling away.[I would change that to pushing away] "i'm sorry. i wasn't expecting that...go on." we soon were falling to the ground when all of a sudden he teleported us from the sky to the pyramids. on top of that, it was sunset, the most romantic time of day. As we sat there kissing i thought oh my gosh...i love him to

soon it was getting it was midnight so we had to go back home i didn't want this day to end but it did.[Here's how I would change that sentence to make it better and not a run-on: It was getting close to midnight so we decided to go back home. I wish the day would never end, but it did like any other day.]

Overall, it was a pretty decent story. Just work on your grammar and try to add some detail. Goodluck on your writing in the future!
~Izumi