Unwanted {Name Is In Progress}

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Unwanted
By
Moi(Who else?)

Prologue


It was sunny, dry and annoying. In actuality it was yet another day in Aberdeenshire Orphanage, another perfectly normal day for everyone but Rain Roberts. She was one of the lucky few who got adopted by the owners of the orphanage, Mr and Mrs Roberts and for this she was hated by all the other kids. Unlike the other children, she was adopted the moment she was brought into the orphanage-which was at the age of two.

There was nothing special about Rain except for the fact that she had no file. Most kids in the orphanage had no idea who their parents where but they still had a file, which is rumoured to be given to the government in order for them to know who is who.

Rain had changed since she was two(as all humans do). She no longer had ever curly blonde hair and multi-coloured eyes, now she had dark-ash blonde hair, grey eyes and a tiny body frame. Rain was never ever liked or hated, she was just envied and stayed away from, nobody talked to the Robert’s “golden girl” because…..well because they just didn’t like her.

If you asked why, they didn’t like her. They always answered, “Just because”.

Rain is fourteen going on fifteen now, still at the orphanage and still being ignored.

She stared at the big yellow orb of light in the sky and sighed, she hated the sun and warmth. She loved the cold and rain much better, in fact she loved it when there were thunderclouds, they made her feel happy.

Her head lay on the window, the cold glass calming her frazzled nerves. She was scared.

Things were going wrong…again and the Roberts were angry at her. She knew she shouldn’t have tried to find them but she just couldn’t give up, after she found her file. She wanted to know, why she was left on a doorstep, why she wasn’t wanted.

She had known people would get hurt but she didn’t care, for once in her life she refused to feel guilty for something and now the guilt was eating her inside.

It all started last weekend, when she saw a file marked Rain Windsor. She had picked it up out of curiosity because she thought that Rain Windsor was a new girl that had the same name as she did.

But it had dozens of pictures of her growing up and an essay on her and her habits and at the end in Mr Roberts(she never could call them mum and dad) handwriting, was:

Carl,

I hope that you are doing well and that you get this is good health. Rain is doing well, a little antisocial but she is alive and well.[/b] She has grown to look a lot like Rachel-may she rest in peace-. These are the last batch of pictures that you will ever get from me again. Carl, you have to man up and come and meet your daughter no matter what the situation is.[/b]

Yours truly,

Abel Roberts.

She then slumped into the leather armchair and cried for her dead mother, her irresponsible father and the childhood that could have been. After crying, she picked up the file and ran into her room to research on the internet about Carl Windsor.

That was when it really all began……it took five hours, fifteen minutes and thirty three seconds to find the right Carl Windsor and another two hours to learn anything about him. She wrote the important things, including numbers of his family house down.

She ignored Mr Roberts and barely answered Mrs Roberts both of whom were bewildered by her actions; normally she waited till dinner was over to ignore them.

She sneaked around the house looking for an opportunity to use the phone with out Mrs Roberts listening through the other line and Mr Roberts monitoring her.

……..well fast forward…(A/n I got bored explaining how the Roberts tried to stop her from finding her dad)……

She called the Windsor’s and explained to them her story and also asked if she could talk to her father for a moment, but that question was waved away and she was asked where she was and she told them which leads up to now.

The Windsor’s were coming and the Roberts had found out unfortunately and were seething with anger. According to them she had stolen and lied the main two rules that must not be broken and she was probably being sent back to the main orphanage, she was no longer their “golden child”

Mrs Roberts walked in with a sneer covering her face. Rain’s back straightened unconsciously and she removed her head from the window sill.

“Rain, the Windsor’s would like to see you now” She said emphasizing on “Windsor’s”

“Okay” Rain stuttered and walked into the room where she had found the file and where she had decided to alter the course of her life.

In the room were three peoples face, two were familiar. One of them was Mr Clarence the orphanage’s lawyer and Mr Roberts, the other face was one of a wizen old woman but the thing was she looked domineering over Mr Roberts and Mr Clarence who both looked scared of her.

“You and my errant son planned a kidnapping of this girl, for your own CONVINENCES” Her voice kept getting higher over time and both men were cowering in fear.

“Ahem”

All three of them turned to her and all three of them narrowed their eyes at her and studied her intensively, she straightened her back this time consciously and stared back.

“You must be Rain” The old lady said smiling, although the smile did not reach her eyes.

“Yes, I’m Rain and you must be my grandmother Mrs Windsor” Rain said, unable to tear her eyes away from this woman who reeked of class, fear and power.

“Yes, I am.” Mrs Windsor said.

“You wanted me?” Rain asked the room in general.

“I want to tell you that you will be going home with Mrs Windsor today” Mr Roberts announced.

“What!” Rain gasped. She had wanted to her family but she had never thought that she would ever live with them.

“You heard me” He said waving her out of the room.

“But, B…Bu….Bu-

“Rain… shut up!” He started, “Get into your room and pack your basic amenities, the rest will be sent through the post….or something.”

Mrs Windsor sat in her seat like a glass statue.

“I don’t love it here but its my home” Rain explained.

“Rain. GO PACK!” Mrs Roberts shrieked from outside the door.

Rain’s eyes watered and she ran into her room-her world, her little corner where she had grown up.

She packed her bags walked out of the house-it was right next to the orphanage- next to a certain Mrs Windsor and stepped into the black tinted glass windows, ignoring the crowd that had gathered from the orphanage.

The car drove off leaving a load of dust behind it and fifteen years of Rain’s life.

******
Chapter One....is on its way XD
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov




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Hello there. The first thing that caught my eye was the name - it's really intriguing and that's why I clicked on it. :)

I feel a little like the whole story's moving too fast. Try to introduce us to Rain, her situation, what her personality's like. The whole thing about the other orphans not really knowing why they hated her was a bit confusing and needless. Does that come into the story again?

I do LOVE the whole story idea. I think it's a really good plot. I'll look for the next chapter.

Keep writing, Chrissie. :)
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City




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Hi AngerManagement
I like the name of the story, it caught my attention and made me want to read.
I agree with NYCnightowl007, the story is moving to fast and Rain needs to introduced more.
I like the story line and I can't wait for more.
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




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Hey. I'm Kaedee, here to review! This story reminds me of one that I had begun to write, then dropped. I think I will revive it again! Maybe I should add...oh wait, I'm here to review your work. Sorry. :)
OK. This story has promise. You can make a very interesting character out of Rain, especially because she had a different background than many kids. I would describe her background a bit more, though...you just talk about how all the kids envied and hated her. I don't quite see the plot or characters yet, though, since this is only a prologue.


Corrections
:

AngerManagement wrote:It was sunny, dry and annoying. In actuality it was yet another day in Aberdeenshire Orphanage, another perfectly normal day for everyone but Rain Roberts.
'It was sunny, dry and annoying' what does this mean? What is 'it'? And what do you mean by 'in actuality'?

AngerManagement wrote:She no longer had ever curly blonde hair and multi-coloured eyes, now she had dark-ash blonde hair, grey eyes and a tiny body frame. Rain was never ever liked or hated, she was just envied and stayed away from, nobody talked to the Robert’s “golden girl” because…..well because they just didn’t like her.
You don't need 'body'. In the part where you said 'Rain was never ever liked or hated', I would take out the 'ever', or move it. The second sentence needs to be broken up into multiple sentences. I also think you shouldn't keep repeating that the other kids hated her for no good reason. You say it again in the next sentence, which is not needed. I mean this sentence:
AngerManagement wrote:If you asked why, they didn’t like her. They always answered, “Just because”.


AngerManagement wrote:Carl, you have to man up and come and meet your daughter no matter what the situation is.[/b]
I would re-phrase this sentence. Sounds awkward.

AngerManagement wrote:She then slumped into the leather armchair and cried for her dead mother, her irresponsible father and the childhood that could have been.
I would show that first she was shocked, then she was upset. That would be more natural, at least I think so.

AngerManagement wrote:She ignored Mr Roberts and barely answered Mrs Roberts both of whom were bewildered by her actions; normally she waited till dinner was over to ignore them.
I would re-write the sentence like this: 'She ignored Mr.Roberts and barely answered Mrs.Roberts, both of whom were bewildered by her actions. Normally she waited till dinner was over to ignore them.' The part which I highlighted in blue doesn't make sense. She waited till dinner was over to ignore them? Why?

AngerManagement wrote:She called the Windsor’s and explained to them her story and also asked if she could talk to her father for a moment, but that question was waved away and she was asked where she was and she told them which leads up to now.

I would re write this sentence like this: 'She called the Windsors and explained to them her story and also asked if she could talk to her father for a moment. But that question was waved away. She was asked where she was. She answered them, and told them everything that had happened up to now.' I would add who answered the phone...a man? Woman? An older person?

AngerManagement wrote:The Windsor’s were coming and the Roberts had found out unfortunately and were seething with anger. According to them she had stolen and lied the main two rules that must not be broken and she was probably being sent back to the main orphanage, she was no longer their “golden child”
Oh...by the way, it is 'Windors' not 'Windsor's'. You make this mistake often. Now...I would re write this sentence like this: 'The Windsors were coming. Unfortunately, the Roberts, who were now seething with anger, had found out. According to them she had stolen and lied...two main rules that must not be broken. She was probably being sent back to the main orphanage and would no longer be their 'golden child'.' Blue part...she had stolen? I would say that in a different way. She didn't exactly take the document away, did she?

AngerManagement wrote:Rain is fourteen going on fifteen now, still at the orphanage and still being ignored.
Sorry...this is towards the middle of the story! This sentence is present tense, while the sentences after it are past tense. Change tenses.

AngerManagement wrote:In the room were three peoples face, two were familiar. One of them was Mr Clarence the orphanage’s lawyer and Mr Roberts, the other face was one of a wizen old woman but the thing was she looked domineering over Mr Roberts and Mr Clarence who both looked scared of her.
'Wizen' is not a word. And you should say 'three people's faces...two were familiar'.

AngerManagement wrote:Rain’s eyes watered and she ran into her room-her world, her little corner where she had grown up.
She had only grown up in her room? Wow. :wink:

AngerManagement wrote:The car drove off leaving a load of dust behind it and fifteen years of Rain’s life.
Is there possibly a better way to say 'a load of dust'? But I like how you said that they were leaving fifteen years of Rain's life.

I will be looking forward to finding out what happens next. Hope this helped. Keep on writing!

~Kaedee
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*



you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
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