Stay with me

I don't like this one of mine vary much but what do you guys think?
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Stay with me though the cold.
Don't leave me when I'm old.

Stay with my though sun.
You'll always be my fun.

Stay with me thought the night.
And you'll be my sweet light.

Stay with me in the day.
Don't ever go away.

Stay with me till the end.
Stay with me as a friend.

This piece of work feels pretty odd to be honest. I recommend writing poems in more than two verses a stanza =S I feel really odd reading this, it just feels not much poetry-like, mind you.

I thought the rhyming was a little too forced. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme so if I were you, while editing I'd forget about rhyming and try to fix this piece! Besides this, I thought this piece was all right. Cute, but forgettable To make it unforgettable add some color, emotion! pm me if you need anything and hope this helps,
winie*

The rhyming is indeed forced. You could try just thinking about what you want to say and what you want your reader to get from the poem - that should be your primary concern. After that, you can rhyme it, don't rhyme it, whatever, but don't say things for the sake of rhyming if it's not what you mean. I've said this loads of times on here, but it's true - someone once said if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long. All killer, no filler. And no forcing. PLay around with different ways to say things and have fun with it.

I completely agree with you guys.
Really the only reason I had it rhyme in the first place was because I was writing it on specific request for a friend and she specifically said she wanted it to rhyme...
But I think I will go and re-edit this for the mass public.

Thanks so much for your feed back!

Its a great theme and it is a really great poem! But it could be even greater if you redraft it with a different rhyme scheme.

Okay, so, hi there, Hippie. I'm Mizz, here to review!
So, the rhyming scheme is definitely forced...and that's not good. I really don't feel emotion when I read this. Not good.
There are many other ways you could have said those lines to make them more...better.
Ooops. I've gotta run. Tata!
-Mizz