Ben & Beth-Prologue

Dear Elizabeth,

By the time you read this, I’ll already be gone. Please don’t try and contact me. I am doing this for your own good. You are in the prime of your life; becoming a successful magazine editor. I’m in a stand still. My only worry is that me leaving will cause you pain but, in time we will both heal. I want you to not look back, keep running forward as fast as you can. I will always keep you in my heart.

Goodbye,

Ben


I stood in the middle of my living room, feeling nothing but the letter in my hand. No tears came, as I thought they should, no shattering heart; nothing. I read the letter again, picturing Ben sitting on the couch writing this letter while I was blissfully unaware sleeping in my bed. I continued to stand there, in a deep daze. I couldn’t unlock my mind from the numbness. I began to panic from-how can I put this into words-mind suffocation. My body was frozen, I couldn‘t feel anything but my mind knew the pain that was coming. Suddenly, after what felt like hours, like emerging from underwater, my mind broke loose from the numbness and my knees crumbled, letting me fall onto the cold floor. Tears began to stream down my face and the small piece of white paper I still clinged to seemed to burn my fingers. I screamed at the psychological pain, and then threw the letter to the ground. I buried my face in the plush carpet on the floor, letting the sounds of my heart explode out through my mouth and tears. Never did I think that this would happen. Not to me.

Hello, Kate!

Since this is so short, I'll go to the nit-picks straight away.

while I was blissfully unaware sleeping in my bed.

In my opinion, this would sound better reworded: "...while I was sleeping, blissfully unaware [of this]".

I continued to stand there, in a deep daze.

Continued to stand there? Sounds awkward. How about you try something like "I didn't move a muscle"?

I couldn’t unlock my mind from the numbness.

I remember reading a review someone had written on someone else's poem, I had just joined YWS back then. The author of the poem had used the word "numb" in the work, and was told off for doing so, because according to the reviewer it was a boring cliché. I don't think I ever used the word numb after that Of course, it's a different thing with stories, but I just always remember this particular case when I see that word. It is indeed quite boring. You also use it twice in the same paragraph, so replace at least one of them.

I began to panic from-how can I put this into words-mind suffocation.

It's better to hit some space around the dashes so it doesn't look so messy.

My body was frozen, I couldn‘t feel anything but my mind knew the pain that was coming.

Add a comma after "anything".

I screamed at the psychological pain

Mental pain, maybe?


The whole prologue consists of a stimulus, which is the letter, and the reaction to it, which is everything else. This doesn't leave much room for the background or the characterization, or it would, but you don't do this. Of course, not everyone would act the way the narrator does, but it's not very surprising. What I only mean is that there should be something more than just the description of her behaviour after reading the letter. You have to keep it interesting so the readers will keep reading. The problem here isn't the lack of interesting story-telling – I would probably still keep reading – but the fact that there isn't anything else, background, anything. There doesn't necessarily have to be a lot – a few words about who the people are, anyway, how long they've known each other, what's their relationship, and so forth. Right now it seems that you're supposing your readers already know the story, which isn't likely since this is the prologue.

However, your grammar and spelling are good, which is always pleasing to the eye. Just stay away from clichés, remember uniqueness, and you should be fine.

I hope this helped!


Demeter
x

Hello, Writer! I don't know why some people don't like prologues, because I find them really interesting.

Well, this is good. It shows a girl in the middle of her living room, who's reading a letter, and we know the latter. It is a good start, though, try to make it a little more creative. I don't know, it's your story after all. But I recommend it.

PM for the next piece! I want to keep on reading, while you keep on writing for us...

Alright?

This is a very nice little piece; a good start to something bigger and grander and longer. I like your imagery when you talk about how Ben had been writing this whilst she slept, entirely unaware, happily in her bed.
I also like your character names... Ben & Beth have always seemed like a perfect couple to me... I guess not, now, at least for your story.

Hi EmmiAnne,
This was a very neat short piece I think.The story seems nice, a little bit similar to New Moon(sorry for that) but worth continuing.I would really like to know whether it will be clean to read like for a fourteen year old.I liked the title."Ben and Beth.Good beginning.Keep up!!!!!!!!