(E&iC) It's a Disaster.

Another extract from my book, "Earth and It's Contents." A column-based book about my opinions on irratating subjects.
WARNING: Contains Humour

Earth & It's Contents
by Ben Franks

It's a Disaster...

There's very little things regarding a foreign country that generally reach my house, and cannot be sorted out with a good appliance of SudoCrem. Such as the times when you sit down and begin watching the news. It's times like these where facts end up being puked up on your lap by TV journalists who have children and listen to Radio 4.

However, more interestingly it's when you find out that all of a sudden the relationship between the U.S and Russia has worsened and the world is edging ever closer to a nuclear war. This is rubbish. What the news' TV journalists don't tell you is that as soon as these world leaders have finished their threatening speeches, they sit down with their wife or mistress - depending on the situation - and find themselves greeted by the hot, delicious and irresistible smell of bacon. And frankly, bacon is the one hero we have to be proud of. Then these world leaders will stare at their bacon and they'll think, as naturally as anyone would: If I started a nuclear war, would we still be able to get any pig? The answer's no or a highly risky yes, thus give the situation a week and they role back on for the cameras and blame their fall-outs on some kind of international economic incident.

So things such as the myth of a "Credit crunch," or the small incident that is a "Banking crisis," are easily sorted out with a simple helping of Jam on your morning toast and the warm feeling that bacon has once again saved the day. However, there is one major issue I have that concerns a foreign country...

Brits going on holiday to Spain.

Not a problem, you may think. Or you may well-be hopelessly whaling your arms about and getting your British head in a twizzle because you think Spain is a lovely place. In which case, not only does this mean you're exercising, but you're conveying your frustration badly, since I cannot see you. Anyway, in either situation, I have decided that you're wrong.

You see, it's people who regard Spain as a form of expensive tanning salon that lets them take a fortnight off of work to visit Spanish football players in the search to get in some amateur European version of Footballer's Wives. It's also the people who decide to go to Spain because they know the language. Well, you don't. You see, in Spain British people have a habit of walking into a Cafe discussing who'll attempt to order some form of edible food in Spanish and it'll end up being either the one with any form of education who's clearly been dragged to Spain against their will, or an excited middle-aged woman who's on holiday. Boffins call these women Mothers. Anyway, the mothers will go into the Cafe and find themselves managing "Hola" and then developing a stutter that they feel they cannot control, resulting in the male of the group - or a strong, confident female - to walk on up, take the withering mother away, and shout loudly at the server in English. To which the person at the counter generally replies, "Would you like me to speak English?" and thanks to this, us Brits appear to be the laziest, genetically modified Apes this side of Belgium. It's a disaster.

Not only this, the bread's awful. If you take a holiday in the hope that your bread will be close to edible, I will do the honour of suggesting France, Wales or Iraq. From realising that Kingsmill is a fairly good-tasting bread option I might even go as far as saying Britain, but because our holidays to Spain make us appear as dense as Matt Damon attempting a Crossword, I'm not.

Stop going to Spain, Britain. It's a disaster.

- 2nd January 2010.

Hahaha, brilliant. You've got a lot of wit, and your personality seems to shine through in your writing. If this is what you're coming up with now you're well on your way to being a great journalist.

Sorry, I know that's not very constructive, I can't really find anything to pick at. Keep it up

Thankyou TenYo!

I appreciate your positive feedback!
Ben.

Wonderful! Anything that makes me laugh is utter genius in my opinion!

I really liked the first part on IR, although evidently I take Cold War Politics more seriously to you, because I'm not sure that it was just bacon that saved the world from nuclear conflagration. Although, maybe I'm wrong? Maybe the American's should have tried wafting bacon in front of Fidel Castro's nose! Anyway, I'm being too serious. This is wonderful humour!

I loved the second part! I went to Spain last year and literally cringed whenever my Dad would try to order food in that slow and loud dunce's version of English ... and then the waitress replies in fluent English and with a thick Northern accent!

Also the bread! We went when there was forest fires: the only oven was outside! It was high up in the mountains where it was ridiculously dry and hot. So we had to live off of bread and cheese and some cold meats for Breakfast and Dinner!

This was pure excellence in terms of comedic value! We need more journalists like you in our country! Keep up the good work, and make sure to PM whenever you write some more genius wit!

Thanks for the great and positive feedback JSPike!
Ben.

Hi Ben!

Columns are a genre of writing close to my heart. I used to write these myself a lot, because there's few things that bring the real me out better than columns. I love the wittiness, but it's also very risky to write ones, and I'll tell you why.

First off, columns tend to get very rambling. If you don't keep holding the point of your column for every second of writing it, you will lose it and go to sidetracks. This was and probably still is one of my biggest problems. I rant a lot. From one thing that relates to my subject, I go to another thing that relates to it distantly, then I come up with something very clever to say but it has nothing to do with anything, and this keeps going until the very end. It's a vicious circle.

Secondly, you need to be careful when writing columns and still true to yourself. Columnists tend to seem like know-it-alls and show-offs because their texts are so witty and clever. This was my problem too. Because I wrote some wisecrack-y opinions, I thought I was the funniest and best writer in the world, when it actually was quite the opposite. Thus, you need to be an authentic columnist and try to annoy as few people as possible. Then again, one of the lovely things in a column is that it usually divides opinions. But columnists don't have it easy.

As for your piece, I think you had too little room for your actual point, which seemed to be the Spain trips of the British. In my opinion you should try to keep the point present throughout the column, whereas now I had to go through half of the text before even touching the subject.

You also have some overly lengthy sentences -- while these are one of the things that you can recognise a column, be careful when writing those, so you won't suffocate the reader. Also, cut down on the repetition. For example, in one of the first paragraphs you keep repeating the word "bacon" and "TV journalists". Synonyms are columnist's best friends.

Don't get too excited; there's some stuff in your text as well that could be just deleted. Keep it simple with the words and sentences, so the spotlight will be on your remarks and the thesis.

However, I'm very glad to see a fellow columnist here (even though I haven't written these in ages!) and I'll take a look at your other stuff as well!

Hope this helped!


Demeter
x

Thanks for the tips Dem! And yay! A fellow columnist! *waves*
Ben.

By the way, I've posted the new extract

Okay, so I have to give you major props for this one. I knew it was another mindless rant, but this time there was so much humor, that I really didn't mind that the content was mindless. And some of your points were really good and slightly logical. I didn't find too much to criticize. I think perhaps you should give us more reasons as to why Britians should not visit Spain, other than the language barrier and hopes for good bread. As for the parts that I did like, well I just had to point out my favorites.

And frankly, bacon is the one hero we have to be proud of. Then these world leaders will stare at their bacon and they'll think, as naturally as anyone would: If I started a nuclear war, would we still be able to get any pig?

LOL!!! Yes, yes bacon really is the only hero we can truly be proud of. And you make such a good point. If the whole world is wiped out by chemical warfare, wherever will we get our bacon?

In which case, not only does this mean you're exercising, but you're conveying your frustration badly, since I cannot see you. Anyway, in either situation, I have decided that you're wrong.

I laughed really hard at this. I almost wet myself.

"Would you like me to speak English?" and thanks to this, us Brits appear to be the laziest, genetically modified Apes this side of Belgium.

I've seen Americans do this as well, so actually you Britians are not alone in being the laziest, genetically modified apes this side of Belgium. But don't tell anyone.

Do you have a strange hatred for Matt Damon? Just wondering.

Haha, glad you enjoyed it

Er, Matt Damon isn't my favourite of all actors, I think I should leave it at that

However, more interestingly it's when you find out that all of a sudden the relationship between the U.S and Russia has worsened and the world is edging ever closer to a nuclear war. This is rubbish. What the news' TV journalists don't tell you is that as soon as these world leaders have finished their threatening speeches, they sit down with their wife or mistress - depending on the situation - and find themselves greeted by the hot, delicious and irresistible smell of bacon. And frankly, bacon is the one hero we have to be proud of. Then these world leaders will stare at their bacon and they'll think, as naturally as anyone would: If I started a nuclear war, would we still be able to get any pig? The answer's no or a highly risky yes, thus give the situation a week and they role back on for the cameras and blame their fall-outs on some kind of international economic incident.

My favorite part of this piece. Oh, just imagine, nuclear annihilation can be put on hold thanks to bacon.

Click on the spoiler: *Click, Click, Click, Click, Click!*

Spoiler

The Bourne series is overrated. Take that Matt!

Haha (:

Thankyou for the feedback XP

Dear Lord. You have really conveyed the importance of bacon. What in the world would we do without it.
Seriously though, this was a great piece of work. I want to be a columnist someday, and you are a great role model for a young columnist like me. Thank you for that. You're very witty and eloquent at the same time.
Keep up the good work.


-The Minister of High Hopes

Thanks for the great feedback