Fox Hill part 2

Samantha glanced around. She saw the buliding she was just in, and ran to it. She thought she'd seen a phone earlier. She took a deep breath.She had to be calm. She stepped inside the building, it was colder now. She shivered under her light, purple jacket. She took slow stpeps toward the desk, remembering the skelotin she saw. She gulped when she got close. She was behind the desk. "OOOO!" She moaned. She saw the phone yes, but the bony hand of the skelotin was still on it. She looked at the reamins of the person in the chair. There was still bits of flesh on the bones. That means, this person died maybe 2 months ago? The reamins were of a man. Wearing a white shirt, and blue striped tie. He wore light blue jeans, and white sneakers with it. She put her hand out slowly toward the hand. She lifted it quickly alomst crying out at touching it. She picked upp the phone and dialed 9- but then a fenale voice came over the phone. Like when you call somewhere and, a robotic kind of voice comes on. It was kind of like that but, more in a pee your pants way. This is what she said. "Hello, you are in Fox Hill Colledge. Welcome. We will be testing your strenghth,and your inteligence. Please procede to the Cafiteria. You will find a 9 Mil. and a knife in the second drawer on your right. Take them. Beware, and don't trust anyone. Goodbye." Then Samanthad the dial tone. She dropped down to the old carpet. She ran her hands through her long brown hair. " Samantha, calm down.-she said quetly to herself- Just think about this. You came here, you tried to get out but couldn't beacause a magic stone wall appeared out of no where, and you tried to use the phone, and were told to-" She stopped the cafeteria. She was told to go there. She got up shakily. She then remembered something else too. The weapons in the drawer. she opened it and took them out. She held the gun in her hand, and opened the barrel. It was loaded. She put the knife in her jacket pocket, which was thankfully deep. She pushed back tears. She was confused, and frightened. But all she knew now was that the cafetiria might have people to help. Maybe. But she had to take this chance. She went to the door of the office with shaky legs almost tripping. She pushed opened the door, and look around. She had no idea were it was, but she had to wonder around for it she guessed. She started toward the right with gun in hand.

This is the first time I've ever met someone on YWS the same age as me!! Yay! And I joined over two years ago, TEN YEARS OLD! XD Well, onto the critique. Here are a few pointers to think about while you edit: (and I hope it helps)

-You used "she" WAY too much. Did you intend this or is it just, naturally? Whatever it is, fix! Her name is Samantha, and if you didn't mention it in the beginning I would have never known!

-"Samantha glanced around," is not really the ideal opening sentence. Think of something more catchy, use your words!

-The word choice, overall, could be improved. When I first started writing the most elevated word I used was "hilarious." XD I was ten, but still. Just read really often and look up in the dictionary during any random time, that's what I do Oh, and if you have an older brother or sister that's in high school hunt for a SAT English helper book thingy in their room. I always use my brother's book and it's filled with really cool words and their definitions

-SPELLING! AH. Please, please, PLEASE use the spelling check! I can probably find about a dozen misspelled words in here. Let's see... inteligence, strenghth, reamins, oooo, samanthad

-PUNCTUATION! AH. There's at least ten unneeded commas in there. TAKE THEM OUT!

-CAPITALIZATION! AH. Must I say more? "

-The first thing I thought when I scrolled down and saw this huge paragraph was "ah." Cut it up! It'll create a flow so the readers can understand it better, plus, they won't run away scared.

-Many confusing sentences. Tweak around the words and you'll get it right. For example, "...but she had to wonder around for it she guessed." This left me tired

-What was the message of this story? It's not being crossed very well

-Colors, emotions? Not there! It's all in the words, so tweak it and you'll be good

OVERALL

I didn't really get the message, and I have to admit after doing this rather long critique I realized there were many mistakes, but it's great compared to the stuff I wrote when I first started! Keep your chin up, and keep writing! PM me if you need some heavy critiques, I can give you a more detailed one of Fox Hill if you want but right now I'm dog tired! XD
winie

Hey,
You are doing a great job, Toy did have a few sentenses messed up and yeah you do say "she" alot, But you are doing a good job anyway but also try to desibe her surroundings alittle more i want to be able to picture where she is in my head and know what kind of place she is in...but other wise great job. Your fellow writer for Jesus......






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