If I Could Be Paper

This is a slightly dated poem in which the words weren't my priority but more so a careful use of repetition and an intense rhyme scheme/meter. Don't be afraid to call me out on something you don't like as I'm curious about the criticism for this poem.


If I Could Be Paper

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If I could be paper
And my blood could be ink
And my words could be notes
That play what I think:

I would cut through the paper-thin paper
With my quill, so sharp,
And draw ink-black ink blood
As I shout like a harp.

I would peel off my skin
And set it before me,
And place the quill on it,
Wailing in harmony.

I would write with passion,
In an artistic fashion,
Ignoring all rational thoughts.

If I could be paper
And my blood could be ink
And my words could be notes
That play what I think:

I would stab my heart
With my pen, so devout
To draw ink from the deepest inkwell
And cry out
Like a piano
Guided by fingers of skill.
And though I may slowly die
From the wounds I inflict,
It is very much worth the kill.

A very random poem. Let me elaborate:

I would cut through the paper-thin paper

Okay, so this line is getting me nowhere. You say that the paper is paper-thin? Does nothing about that sound wrong to you? By saying this, you are still giving no clear indication on how thin the paper is. Sure, we all know, but what if a person who didn't know how thin paper was? They wouldn't. So this line is useless.

I would write with passion,
In an artistic fashion,
Ignoring all rational thoughts.

This stanza is really random. Same with the last one. You jump from four lines to three lines to nine lines? Try to stick to a format. Sure, you can do random shaped poems, but organization is beautiful.

Like a piano

I don't like how you write about ink and pen and paper, and then you jump to an instrument. I think you should stick to one metaphor, once central theme. Now that this line is in here, the poem seems random, like I said before.

All around, this piece has potential. I still don't know why you wrote it though. I see no message, and you really didn't teach me anything about pen and paper that I didn't already know. Try and make up new sayings, new phrases to tell us what paper means to you.

Keep writing!

Classy

I really like this poem, and I think with a little revision it could be excellent.
The topic is intriguing, and what got me to click on this poem in the first place. I love weird thought processes, a break from the usual lovey-dovey mushy poem that everyone in the world (including myself) feels the need to write and rewrite again and again. Stick to out-of-the-box thinking, and you could go far.

However, there are some things that just confused me about this.

I would cut through the paper-thin paper

"Paper-thin paper" in repetitive and unnecessary. It's like saying "flesh-colored skin" or "orange orange." If you hear the word paper, you automatically know it's paper-thin; this goes without saying. Only choose to describe something that needs said.


Also, if rhyme/meter were your priority, then why did they change so drastically?

I would write with passion,
In an artistic fashion,
Ignoring all rational thoughts.

This part was incredibly awkward, and actually made me stop reading and go back to make sure I hadn't skipped something. If you were doing free verse, then this would be okay, but since you had already developed a trend of four-line stanzas, you can't break that commitment to do a three-line stanza. You also shouldn't break your rhyme scheme. Although when subtly done, a rhyme scheme can be altered throughout the course of a poem, it is usually done at the end of the poem, such as an English sonnet. If you go from an abcb-style rhyme scheme and then randomly throw two rhyming lines together right in the middle, people are going to get confused.

To draw ink from the deepest inkwell
And cry out

This part felt a little wordy, because, although you were maintaining your originally-established meter, you didn't represent it correctly. I know people have the tendency to want the entirety of their idea on one line, but people would understand you fine if you dropped 'inkwell' to the next line to keep the rhythm going.

Like a piano
Guided by fingers of skill.
And though I may slowly die
From the wounds I inflict,
It is very much worth the kill.

There are both things that I like and that I dislike about this 'stanza.' First and foremost, you once again break your four-line stanza pattern, this time adding that extra line that you took away from your last irregular stanza. That in itself causes this part of the poem to feel wordy, as though your ideas were too lengthy to fit within the confines of the poem's structure and the poem is consequentially bursting at the seams.
I love the fact that you end the poem by discussing the death that you are bringing upon yourself, as it brings up an interesting point about what you have been saying throughout the duration of the work. However, the part about the piano just strikes me as somewhat random. Imagine you're watching a normal television program and then a picture of a piano popped up on the screen, accompanied by the words "We interrupt your program to bring you...PIANO! You can now return to your schedules programming." That is the effect you're giving here. Perhaps you could rewrite this stanza, take out the part about the piano, and rework the rhyme to accommodate only having four lines?

Other than that, I find this poem quite intriguing, and I hope that you continue to push the envelope as far as fresh topics are concerned.

captain.classy wrote:A very random poem. Let me elaborate:

Random?

The whole poem is a response to the proposition,

If I could be paper
And my blood could be ink
And my words could be notes
That play what I think:

I would cut through the paper-thin paper

Okay, so this line is getting me nowhere. You say that the paper is paper-thin? Does nothing about that sound wrong to you? By saying this, you are still giving no clear indication on how thin the paper is. Sure, we all know, but what if a person who didn't know how thin paper was? They wouldn't. So this line is useless.

Like I said above the poem, I was toying with repetition, this being one of the results. I thought it sounded nice. The goal wasn't to be useful.

I would write with passion,
In an artistic fashion,
Ignoring all rational thoughts.

This stanza is really random. Same with the last one. You jump from four lines to three lines to nine lines? Try to stick to a format. Sure, you can do random shaped poems, but organization is beautiful.

I agree on this actually. I was iffy about the way I had it but since you guys brought it up I guess I should revise it.

Like a piano

I don't like how you write about ink and pen and paper, and then you jump to an instrument. I think you should stick to one metaphor, once central theme. Now that this line is in here, the poem seems random, like I said before.

I didn't intend on creating the feeling of "jumping". I can't count on my finger how many times I rewrote that last stanza. It needs to be rewritten again I suppose.

All around, this piece has potential. I still don't know why you wrote it though. I see no message, and you really didn't teach me anything about pen and paper that I didn't already know. Try and make up new sayings, new phrases to tell us what paper means to you.

Like I informed in italics, I really was focusing on creating a sort of rhythm in the poem. All though the subject involves the idea that (sigh) my skin is paper that I write on with blood, ink, with shouts of pain that sound like musical notes. Yeah, it's weird but it was inspired by something I heard about how writing or art in general really requires artists to brutally introspect and display themselves.

Keep writing!

Classy

Thanks so much for the amazing criticisms. You're always helpful.

I really like this poem, and I think with a little revision it could be excellent.
The topic is intriguing, and what got me to click on this poem in the first place. I love weird thought processes, a break from the usual lovey-dovey mushy poem that everyone in the world (including myself) feels the need to write and rewrite again and again. Stick to out-of-the-box thinking, and you could go far.

I'm the same way. I think more abstract or taboo poems are far more interesting than Hallmark cards.

However, there are some things that just confused me about this.




I would cut through the paper-thin paper

"Paper-thin paper" in repetitive and unnecessary. It's like saying "flesh-colored skin" or "orange orange." If you hear the word paper, you automatically know it's paper-thin; this goes without saying. Only choose to describe something that needs said.

(Mentioned above)


Also, if rhyme/meter were your priority, then why did they change so drastically?
I would write with passion,
In an artistic fashion,
Ignoring all rational thoughts.

(Mentioned above)

This part was incredibly awkward, and actually made me stop reading and go back to make sure I hadn't skipped something. If you were doing free verse, then this would be okay, but since you had already developed a trend of four-line stanzas, you can't break that commitment to do a three-line stanza. You also shouldn't break your rhyme scheme. Although when subtly done, a rhyme scheme can be altered throughout the course of a poem, it is usually done at the end of the poem, such as an English sonnet. If you go from an abcb-style rhyme scheme and then randomly throw two rhyming lines together right in the middle, people are going to get confused.

To draw ink from the deepest inkwell
And cry out

This part felt a little wordy, because, although you were maintaining your originally-established meter, you didn't represent it correctly. I know people have the tendency to want the entirety of their idea on one line, but people would understand you fine if you dropped 'inkwell' to the next line to keep the rhythm going.

Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I'm surprised however that no one pointed out the connection between my user name and the metaphor I used for a heart.

Like a piano
Guided by fingers of skill.
And though I may slowly die
From the wounds I inflict,
It is very much worth the kill.

There are both things that I like and that I dislike about this 'stanza.' First and foremost, you once again break your four-line stanza pattern, this time adding that extra line that you took away from your last irregular stanza. That in itself causes this part of the poem to feel wordy, as though your ideas were too lengthy to fit within the confines of the poem's structure and the poem is consequentially bursting at the seams.
I love the fact that you end the poem by discussing the death that you are bringing upon yourself, as it brings up an interesting point about what you have been saying throughout the duration of the work. However, the part about the piano just strikes me as somewhat random. Imagine you're watching a normal television program and then a picture of a piano popped up on the screen, accompanied by the words "We interrupt your program to bring you...PIANO! You can now return to your schedules programming." That is the effect you're giving here. Perhaps you could rewrite this stanza, take out the part about the piano, and rework the rhyme to accommodate only having four lines?

Agreed and agreed. I did use harp in the beginning and wanted to conjure up the sound of a different instrument in the reader's mind. The musical theme wasn't random though in my opinion.

Other than that, I find this poem quite intriguing, and I hope that you continue to push the envelope as far as fresh topics are concerned.

Thanks for the helpful criticism I sincerely appreciate it!