Chapter 1: Do You Even Exist?

It was a very beautiful scenery. The sky was filled with soft cottony clouds that caressed the sun’s rays with a light touch; the vast land that was covered with freshly cut grasses; the waft of the sweetly-scented jasmine flowers and the lean big tree that strongly shaded those seated under it.
I sighed with pleasure, not just because of the scenery but because of how happy I am today.
“Kari...” I smiled.
His voice felt like music to my ears. I turned around and saw his magical face, brilliantly blinding my eyes and instantly catching my breath. He came to me in two strides and held my hands close to his heart.
He smiled the most amazing smile I ever seen in my whole life and his face filled with happiness as he looked right through me.
“I just want to say…” I began and he pressed his forefinger to my lips to keep me from speaking.
“No matter what happens…I will always love you.” He whispered affectionately.
“You’re everything to me and you know that. I love you more than anything…” I said sincerely, caressing his smooth and white cheeks that made him close his eyes.
He slowly held me close to his chest and repeated those three words that I loved to hear: I love you.
Suddenly, a light flashed across my face and I can’t see him anymore. I can’t feel him anymore…
My scenery changed and we’re back again. But this time, hopelessness and sadness shrouded my once happy emotions.
I saw him, his back to me and a good two feet separated us.
“Don’t.” I heard myself say.
“I have to, Kari.” He said in a strangled voice.
I felt tears running down my eyes as I fought the urge to clutch his shirt and to hold him close to me, not letting him go.
“Please…” I begged.
I saw his body slightly shaking because of controlled emotions. Then suddenly he turned around, ran to me and hugged me tightly.
I felt…and I knew for a fact that this would be the last hug that he’ll ever give me.
“I love you. And I’m sorry. I have to go…I need to go. Not just for me but for your sake too. I need you to concentrate on your mission. Don’t worry about me. Remember that I will always love you.”
After this, he slowly disentangled himself from our embrace and with one last look at my face, he turned and walked away.
Pain…hurt…all made me weak in my knees. I stared at his back, reaching out to him but I simply can’t.
Uncontrollable sobs and tears overtook my body as I took one last look at his back and cried out his name,
“Jim!!!!!!”

“Kari! Kari! Wake up, you sleepyhead.” I opened my eyes and saw my little sister, Jessie, glancing down at me.
“That dream again.” I thought to myself, slowly rubbing my temples.
“You look terrible. Haven’t you slept well?” Jessie asked and I shook my head.
“This is nothing. Don’t worry, sis.” I assured her.
Jim.
Jim.
“Who are you, Jim? Why do I always have you in my dream? Is there something between us…connecting us? I stopped thinking and sighed helplessly.
But the very important question that I badly need the answer is: Jim. Do you even exist?

Hello,
First off, I like your introduction. You set the scene very well, using very nice words.
I like the dialogue, but I think sometimes you had too much of it. The ending is very well done as it leaves up thinking: Will she ever find this man of her dreams?
Anyway, sorry this review isn't that longs, but I'm not that good at writing them!
So,
Well done! Hope you carry on with this story!
~Tamara

Hi tam-ara.
The story was nice to read but honestly speaking I have watched a similar Hindi film and have read a similar story.But your description was beautiful.

Hiya, Classy here! On to the review:


Just a few nit picks:

The sky was filled with soft cottony clouds that caressed the sun’s rays with a light touch;

I just wanted to let you know that 'soft cottony clouds' is a huge cliche description. But, after it you say 'caressed the sun's rays' and I forgot all about it. That is a beautiful description. Just find another way to say what the clouds look like, please.

“Don’t.” I heard myself say.
“I have to, Kari.” He said in a strangled voice.

So after the dialogue, there should be commas, not periods. In both of these.

Content:

I really liked this. Sure, you were bordering on cliche the entire time, but it still drew me in; still made me want to read more. When I was reading, I couldn't help but think if Kingdom Hearts. I hope you have heard of it, because this reminds me so much of it.

Nice opening, I can't wait to read more!

Classy

Oh wow. That was unexpected! The scene honstly reminded me of that New Moon garbage scene when Edward and Bella break up but the end was really good. I personally haven't seen anyhting like it but it puts a nice twist to the cliche, "Man/ Woman of your dreams". Nice Job. PM me with more

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

Hi Trace.

Well, bluntly put, this was cliche.

Starts off, perfect scenery, oh, I'm hopelessly in love. Then scene change, I love you forever but I have to leave you. Then another scene change, Oh! It was all a dream!

Lol. That's how I see it in condensed form. I think you should put a little more thought behind all of these scene changes. It's a dream no? Don't you want to give it a sort of dream-like quality. Whether it be in your words, or in your descriptions.

Your characters are flat, I don't know what they look like, or what they act like. I just know they love each other, then one leaves, then the other wakes up. You are lacking descriptions.

Also, you have quite a few run-on sentences in this piece.

He smiled the most amazing smile I ever seen in my whole life and his face filled with happiness as he looked right through me.

Firstly, too long. Secondly, terrible adjectives. And once again descriptions. This could easily be expanded to be a paragraph. What makes his smile amazing? Why in her whole life? Why/how is he looking right through her?

Ask yourself those questions.

Good luck.

Kamas

I'm just going to get right into this.

I really like the idea of him being in her dreams, maybe foreshadowing him which makes an interesting topic for a story. My issue was that you told me way too much. You know that rule, "Show, don't tell". I think you really need to work on that. Cut your abundance of adverbs. I don't need to know her whispered it "affectionately" because he was holding her and whispering it, so obviously it's going to tell me that already. And if he's pulling him to her, it doesn't need to be said that he did it "slowly". The scene there is gentle and loving, so I really doubt he's going to do it in a panic unless like...a dragon came out of no where.

Off topic. Work on showing your reader what you're saying ok?

I think it's a good start. Keep it up

- Lindsay

ello ms. Chera
very compelling story! the very sentence was enough to draw me in, enough to make me wonder. and you described the area beautifully if a little bit overdone. cottony clouds? fresh-cut grass? jasmine scented flowers? its really good but also kind of overdone...
The very first thing i thought of when reading this. kingdom hearts. It fits perfectly and it makes me wonder if it gave you the idea for the story.... if not then you should check it out!
Maybe this is wrong. im not much of an English nut, but you said "My scenery changed and we’re back again." do you mean the scenery? Because i dont think she really owns the scenery or it is a part of her.... hmm. think about it
love the ending. A question to make the reader want more, to make them wonder themselves. Im getting excited just thinking about all the places you could take this story ^^