It's Been You- Chapter 1 [still editing]

"Beep! Beep! Beep!" Lena extended her arm and reached for her phone to shut off the alarm. She pressed "End" and let out a large yawn. There wasn't anything exciting to look forward to in the day. It was going to be a day just like any other.
"Morning mom, morning dad." Lena said as she entered the kitchen on a murky Tuesday morning.
"Good morning Lena! You look so comfy, I just want to hug you!" said her mother. And so, she opened her arms for her daughter. Lena chuckled a little and gave her mother a hug. She felt bad for her sometimes because she was not always in the bubbly mood her mother hoped her to be in. She understood that junior year was very stressful, and that her father was a big burden on her education.
"Oh, Lena. Won't you be cold in that shirt dress and leggings? It is Winter, you know." said her dad.
"No dad, I'll be fine."
"But you were complaining just the other day how your school doesn't turn on the heat, and it's freezing in some classrooms."
"Yeah, well I'll live." She didn't mean to be hostile, but she just didn't need her father's nagging first thing in the morning. There was a big history test today, which was her weakest subject. She studied as much as she could, yet didn't feel confident. After five months of school this year, she just didn't care that much.
All in all, there was nothing to complain about, yet nothing to be happy about. Her heart was in the same state as it's been the entire school year. Empty, tired, and anticipating. She was tired of school because it was too small and there were no boys worth her time. She never had a boyfriend, and she was almost 17. That special, first kiss was still awaiting. Lena often became annoyed at some of her friends. Unlike them, Lena was not desperate. Her friends would continuously say, "Ugh! I just want a boyfriend. I don't care who it is at this point. Just someone would be great." This often left Lena in awe. "Why would you want just anyone? Are you that pathetic?" she thought to herself.
"Lena! Oh my god, I need to talk to you. Ugh, I failed my English test again. I don't get it. I studied with you for hours, and I still failed." said Taylor, Lena's friend. Lena just started talking to Taylor this year, so she wouldn't say she was close with her. She knew that Taylor wouldn't help her with all of her problems, but she still helped Taylor out every time.
"Taylor, listen to me! Calm down. It's okay. It's just the beginning of the marking period. I'll get you to an A sooner or later, don't worry. I'm not going to let you fail this class."
"Thanks, Lena. I'll talk to you later." replied Taylor.
Lena always gave more than she got. She never asked for anything in return, but even then, the same question always attacked her mind. "Why must I always thud on my bed and hope? I do nothing wrong, and I'm always myself. Why can't I find him? Or why can't he find me?" She was blatantly thinking about a boy. It was no one in particular, but she knew what he was like. Her heart sank every time she thought about him. She's had so many days and nights where her head would pound and her stomach would twist, all because of his unreachable presence.
She didn't understand why it was dominating her thoughts. She had a stable family, a best friend worth every smile, and she was a smart girl. Maybe that was it. Maybe she had nothing more to ask for than a boyfriend. All she wanted was to experience someone caring for her, liking her, doing silly stuff for her. Lena was very independent, and never compared herself to others. This, however, was another story. A boyfriend just created his own category. There is no comparison to one, the feelings, the everything. She watched too many romance movies, read about too many experiences, and saw too many photos of couples. She had told herself numerous times, "Enough is enough. Who needs a man? He'll come eventually, so move on Lena." But this was one thing that defeated her. She fought the pain, she stayed optimistic. It was indisputable to say that it's hard to forget about it. She was dying to escape this town for a little while.
"Lena, do you have number 12?" asked Mr. Green, her math teacher.
"Uh... I think I do? Is it .359?" asked Lena.
"Yes, very good." Math was the most boring class of the day. Mr. Green had a monotone, and his teaching method was reading exactly from the book. "Even I can do that, you oaf," Lena thought to herself.
"Yo, Lena." said Melvin, a boy who sat next to her.
"Hmm?"
"I think I saw you the other day on 34th Street in your car."
"Oh yeah, I think I saw you too. Why didn't you say hi?"
"I did! Well I was about to, but it looked like you were looking past me so I didn't think you saw me."
"Haha, it's okay."
"Yeah, where were you going?"
"Oh I went to the hardware store with my dad."
"Awww, that's cute." Lena gave a little smile and went back to solving the assigned problem. She thought the boy was weird. He was very immature and strange, and she didn't really enjoy talking to him. "Whatever," she thought.
Finally, Lena was home. She threw her bag on her bed and turned on her iTouch. She made it as loud as possible and played some Taylor Swift. "Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone..." she sang as she was changing into sweats. She had a pile of homework to do, but she watched T.V. for an hour anyways.
"Okay. So... I guess I'll do Biology first since it's the most," Lena said to herself. She turned on her laptop and checked her Facebook. She had one new message in her inbox. She clicked "Inbox" and saw that it was from that boy from math class. She groaned.
"Hey lina... i furgot ma math hw so could u plz give it to me? thankssss!"
"Wow. Really? He can't even spell my name, and his typing makes me want to puke. Spell correctly you idiot, and don't double, i mean quadruple, letters," thought Lena.
"Um, it's on the school website. It's http://www.edgewaterhs.com. Lena felt a little bad on how bitter her reply was, but she truthfully didn't care. A few minutes later, and her inbox said "1" again. She opened the new message.
"Ok thanks." was his reply. Now Lena felt a little more sympathetic, but that was her weakness. Lena was just too nice to people, but she changed this year. She was not going to be a straight up snob, but she was going to tone her down her kindness towards others. She shut the laptop and began doing her homework. It was 4:15, and she needed to finish everything by 9 so she could start her SAT homework. She couldn't contain the joy of it all.
A few weeks passed, and Melvin didn't say anything to Lena. He most likely didn't think of the message as anything. Nothing exciting happened so far. Lena got a 90 on her Biology test, her first A in that class. It was an advanced Biology class, so she had somewhat of an excuse.

Hi poojaaa16!

I like the idea, but for a first chapter, this is a bit bland. I know it's so cliché, but 'show, don't tell' is a good mantra to live by. Almost every sentence here can be changed into a complete scenario. Show me what makes her family stable and her best friend worth every smile. Show that she has a history test (I do like that bit; history is a bad subject for me too).

You don't have to tell me that she's wearing clothing, show me through her father's voice. Maybe he doesn't approve of those leggings either since leggings aren't "real pants" (just an example).

I know it's really tempting to write down every detail you can imagine, but it doesn't actually make for a very interesting read. The one example I can think of is the second or third page of Twilight where Bella is describing her looks compared to the looks of her mother, and it's really something that I can just skip over because it doesn't add anything to the story. There's this remarkable book, Looking for Alaska, that completely describes this girl Alaska without really even describing her. Check it out. ;]

I'm not sure if you're aware, but you switch verb tenses every once in a while. Stick with one -- past or present. Mom and Dad should also be capitalized unless they come after a possessive pronoun (my, your, their, our, etc.). If you stick with the clothing description in the beginning, off-the-shoulder is hyphenated.

I hope you stick with this and develop it more. Good luck!

- Clara

Hi there! When I read this, I really liked it...
Morning mom, morning dad." Lena said as she entered the kitchen on a murky Tuesday morning. An off the shoulder boyfriend sweater, black leggings, and gray ankle booties covered her body. That part was very confusing, I had to read it 3 times before I got it, when I did I thought it needs to be: off-the-shoulder boyfriend sweater.
"Oh, Lena. Why is your sweater falling off? Pull it up." said her dad.
Lena's face turned blunt. She pulled it up and fixed herself a bowl of cereal. She had a history test today, which was her weakest subject. It set off her mood a little bit, but she was okay. There was nothing to complain about, yet nothing to be happy about. Her heart was in the same state as it's been the entire school year. Empty, tired, and anticipating. Love this sentence; it gives the reader something to refer to about what happens before the book. She was tired of her school. It was too small and there were no boys worth her time. She never had a boyfriend, and she was almost 17. She was still waiting for her first kiss. She was not desperate at all, even if some of her friends were. Okay these sentences are really simple and I think would mean more if you were to connect them like: She was still waiting for her first kiss, but she wasn’t desperate at all though she couldn’t say the same about her friends. It’s just a suggestion, it’s your book do what you like.  She gave more than she ever got. Her friends would go to her for advice and help because she always knew what to say. She never asked for anything in return, but the same question always attacked her mind. "Why must I always thud on my bed and hope? I do nothing wrong, and I'm always myself. Why can't I find him? Or why can't he find me?" She was blatantly thinking about a boy. It was no one in particular, but she knew what he was like. Her heart sank every time she thought about him. She's had so many days and nights where her head would pound and her stomach would twist, all because of his unreachable presence. That was great, it is very original and is very clever. My only complaint is that in this paragraph you use “She,” and, “Her,” quite often and gets a little boring or redundant.
It was not understood by her why it was dominating her thoughts. She had a stable family, a best friend worth every smile, and she was a smart girl. Maybe that was it. Maybe she had nothing more to ask for than a boyfriend. The fact that she had never had one while everyone else has kills her. Okay I really don’t understand this sentence, and isn’t your fault it’s probably because I'm not reading it right but it’s confusing. She is very independent, and never compares herself to others. This, however, was another story. A boyfriend just creates his own category. There is no comparison to one, the feelings, the everything. Love how dramatic that is. She has watched too many romance movies, read about too many experiences, saw too many photos of couples. She has told herself numerous times that enough is enough. Who needs a man? He'll come eventually, so move on Lena. You can do it. Okay the part where she tells herself numerous time needs to be in quotations like so: She told herself numerous times that, “Enough is enough. Who needs a man? He’ll come eventually, so move on Lena. You can do it.” An easy grammatical mistake and it makes more sense to the reader since this chapter isn’t in 1st person. But this is one thing that has defeated her. She fought the pain, she really tried at least. Sorry I just put that in while I read it; it makes it more dramatic but is still really good without it. It's indisputable to say that it's hard to forget about it. She was dying to escape this town for a little while. Once, she was home alone and she took advantage of it. She shouted with all her might, "GIVE ME ONE EXPERIENCE, AT LEAST. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DO? I TRY. I REALLY DO. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? MY DOOR IS OPEN; MY HEART IS ON MY SLEEVE. PLEASE. I'M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH." The word "much" broke off and faded towards the end because her tears took over. She threw her face in her hands and cried. She never felt so angry and upset at the same time. Her head was pounding to the extreme and she expected nothing to come out of this tantrum. The phone rang, and she quickly wiped away her tears and ran to the phone.

Hey, this was really good, the only complaint that was continuous is how many pronouns there were, and I realize that happens when your writing in 3rd person. I really enjoyed this and cannot wait to read chapter 2, but seriously if I didn't get it right, or if you have any comments just email me.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Erin

So hi there!

This is extremely short for one chapter if you ask me. You probably want to expand a lot more to have a consistent length for a story chapter.

Quite simply, this entire piece is your MC wallowing in self pity. We learn nothing, besides the fact that your character wants/does not want a boyfriend. What's the point?
She's pitying herself through the entire thing, it's basically a rant. And she is also contradicting herself constantly. It gets boring.

Liven it up a little! What does your character look like? What makes her think the way she does. Otherwise we are left with the typical: Oh boohoo, I'm not loved. But I don't want to be loved at the same time.'

Quick Nitpicks:

Lena's face turned blunt.

Turned blunt? What does this mean?

"GIVE ME ONE EXPERIENCE, AT LEAST. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DO? I TRY. I REALLY DO. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? MY DOOR IS OPEN, MY HEART IS ON MY SLEEVE. PLEASE. I'M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH."

This hurts my eyes to read. You make her yell by using capital letters but no exclamation points? That seems a little bit useless. Get rid of the caps, and using the proper punctuation to represent shouting.


Good luck.

Kamas

Hi, Poojaa! Lovely name, by the way. ;D

I think you have an awesome MC to work with here. You seem to have an idea as to what you want to write about. However, you're so excited about writing this (which is wonderful), you're moving so fast! Here's a couple pointers to help you start this novel of yours:

Characters

Mkay, the first step into slowing down your pace (and thus, making this chapter longer and more interesting) is to strongly introduce your characters. Here, you have the MC, mom, dad, best friend, and other friends. All that was done was provide the names of each. Dad was fortunate enough to actually say something! But each character the MC interacts with helps create your MC. The reader would then understand what kind of person she is and who she interacts with.

So how do we introduce your characters? Don't worry about clothing or appearance. It doesn't matter what they look like but who they are on the inside. This is true for real life and in stories! The reader wants to know what kind of decisions she makes, what kind of thinking process she goes through, what her hobbies/interests are, what quirks she has (i.e. biting fingernails, twirling strands of hair around her finger). Do this for every character you have! You don't have to spend an entire paragraph describing every little thing about them, but spread it out throughout the beginning as we get to know the character(s).

Description

So... how was school? We have a story about a school student. You and I both are school students, and therefore, you and I both know a lot happens during school. School is our life. And school is Lena's life too. What better way to get to know Lena and her friends than to follow her around school? We get a taste of her teen drama, watch her struggle through that history test, and feel her jealousy when she sees her best friend kiss a boy. Do all this, and you really don't have to come out and say, "Lena always wanted a boyfriend" or "Lena stinks at history".

Take your time when explaining these things. Listing what goes on doesn't intrigue the reader. Following the MC through their adventures (in this case, following Lena through school) is way more interesting. What's life without a little drama? Teens, as much as they complain about drama, like to deal with it. Otherwise, what's life without it? So we want a taste of Lena's drama. We like gossip! What's Lena dealing with? Maybe she has the same drama as [I] do!

----

That's what I have to give for the time-being! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to send me a PM. I'm more than happy to lend a hand.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I added a lot more and edited it guys! Tell me what you think.

Hi, Pooja!

This was a good piece, and I really like your MC. I must add, in a teeny way she's a bit like myself.

PACE: It's moving way too fast, dear. You'll need to slow it down a bit. A good way is to show her emotions, what she feels about her mom and dad, her wake-up thoughts maybe.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Your MC seems to have good development; but the rest of the are floaty mists in my head. Your MC needs a bit more personality too. As Jabbseh said, you'll need to describe the habits. You could also show her character by developing the conversations.
Which brings me to Dialogue: Well, I think it could've been done better. You should bring out the character of the person into it. The best way is to play the scene in your head.

Overall: You need to take time to develop the story rather than racing us through the characters. Slowing down will make it a better read.

PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers,
~Lava

Hey, Pooja! I read your story the first time before it was edited, and didn't review since everybody got the main problems.
First of all, this fixed chapter is written way better than the last one. This edit has fewer grammar problems, punctuation problems, etc. All in all, it was much stronger.

Corrections:

I agree 100% with Lava about the MC. But this is only the first chapter, so the reader hopefully should get to know the MC better as the story goes on. I think you rushed the part about Aden a little bit too much; I think it would be better if you describe more about how Lena came across Aden's Facebook profile, what she saw, how she felt, etc.

poojaaa16 wrote:"Yeah, well I'll live." She didn't mean to be hostile, but she just didn't need her father's nagging first thing in the morning.

What Lena said doesn't sound so hostile to me! Perhaps it is the way she said it?

poojaaa16 wrote:It is Winter, you know." said her dad.

Don't capitalize 'winter', since it is a season.

poojaaa16 wrote:After five months of school this year, she just didn't care that much.
All in all, there was nothing to complain about, yet nothing to be happy about. Her heart was in the same state as it's been the entire school year. Empty, tired, and anticipating. She was tired of school because it was too small and there were no boys worth her time. She never had a boyfriend, and she was almost 17.

Those two paragraphs don't really seem to flow with each other for me. The MC was talking about her history test, and then moves on to how she doesn't have a boyfriend. Also, it should be 'Her heart was in the same state as it had been the entire school year.' And what did she mean by her school being too small? How big the building was? How many people were there? If so, why?

poojaaa16 wrote:Her friends would continuously say, "Ugh! I just want a boyfriend. I don't care who it is at this point. Just someone would be great." This often left Lena in awe.

The word 'awe' isn't the correct word for how Lena felt at that time. The dictionary def. for 'awe' is:
overwhelming wonder, admiration, respect, or dread

At one point in the story you directly just jump straight from Lena talking about wanting a boyfriend to Taylor asking Lena for help on her school course in English. Doesn't make sense.

poojaaa16 wrote:She had told herself numerous times, "Enough is enough. Who needs a man? He'll come eventually, so move on Lena." But this was one thing that defeated her. She fought the pain, she stayed optimistic. It was indisputable to say that it's hard to forget about it. She was dying to escape this town for a little while.

Explain why Lena wanted to 'escape this town for a little while'.

I'll be looking for your next chapter! Keep up the good work-

Kaedee

thanks so much. i'm definitely going to be working on this chapter for at least because this is my first time ever writing something like this, as well as using this website. all your reviews are greatly appreciated, and it's all helping me learn! i thought I rushed Aden into the story as well, and i felt iffy about "awe" as well. thanks again!

Jabberhut pretty muc explained everything and the others and i agree with them. You ned more description and more info on the characters. I dont know how she got o school or hpw she got anywhere. Talk about the life there, school is our life right now, something hasgot to happen there. The characters are very plain. I know nothing abut the add detail about them please. thx i love the idea though, the book is good so far just edit it and tell me when u did, i'll rea it again when u do! Niki