We Will Not Be Forgotten

Hi everyone, this is a (major) revision of the original: Carpe Diem

Feedback is much appreciated.


We Will Not Be Forgotten


Life, such a meaningless thing.
It passes from light to darkness
in a flicker.

Whilst that firm and apathetic authority
stands looming over us all.

As the wind sways the trees,
so they bend life to their will.
Ignorant in their inherent power they play with us.

As you and I walk along that many treaded path;
those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.

We are but pawns.
We are shunned into a corner,
blanketed by oppression.
Evil knows no bound’s;
though there is hope still...

As I sit there,
awaiting
Death’s boatman. I wonder

what is there?
In life what do we mean?
As I sit there watching the world
toil on. I wonder

what mark will I leave?

Evil is blind as we rise up behind it.
As we strike

do their eyes widen
as they see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

Life, such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant:
Carpe Diem!

And let the world know
that I will not be forgotten.

Valentine

Hello Pike. I will be doing this review, and I hope you like the feedback you get as well as find it useful/

Life, such a meaningless thing.(That is a very argumentative statement)
It passes from light to darkness
in a flicker.(So true)

Whilst (That word stands out from the rest) that firm and apathetic authority
stands looming over us all.

As the wind sways the trees,
so they bend life to their will.
Ignorant in their inherent power they play with us.

As you and I walk along that many treaded (not a word) path;
those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.

We are but pawns.
We are shunned into a corner,
blanketed by oppression.
Evil knows no bound’s;(there should be no apostrophe)
though there is hope still...

As I sit there,
awaiting
Death’s boatman. I wonder

what is there?
In life what do we mean?
As I sit there watching the world
toil on. I wonder

what mark will I leave? (capitalize the W)

Evil is blind as we rise up behind it.
As we strike (I thought you said Evil was all powerful)

do their eyes widen
as they see clearly what we have become.
We will not be forgotten.

Life, such a meaningless thing.
Lest we stand and chant:
Carpe Diem!

And let the world know
that I will not be forgotten.

Hmmm... Good ending. I find that I disagree with a lot of things here, but that doesn't matter. It seems that some of your ideas contradict each other, and also, at the end it became a tad confusing. Hope that helped.

Valentine

Whilst that firm and apathetic authority
stands looming over us all.

Sentence fragment. "Whilst" really stands out, and not in a good way. Also, what authority?

As the wind sways the trees,
so they bend life to their will(comma)
Ignorant in their inherent power(comma) they play with us.

Who are "they"? And how can something be ignorant in their power?

As you and I walk along that much trodden path(comma)
those glorious powers play an eternal game of chess.

Why a semicolon? What glorious powers? There's no hint or anything to what they are anywhere in the poem.

We are shunned into a corner,

"Shun" essentially means to ignore. How can you ignore something into a corner? I believe you wanted "shunted".

Dictionaries. They exist to be used.

Evil knows no bounds;
though there is hope still...

Why is there a semicolon?

In life what do we mean?

??? I have no clue what you were trying to say with this.

Overall, I am wondering what you were trying to do with the punctuation. There is punctuation where there should be none, especially in the case of sentence fragments, which breaks up thoughts so that they're hard to comprehend the first read through. There is also improper punctuation which results in the same thing. Having to go back in the middle of reading a poem to reread a couple lines really disrupts the flow of the poem.

Also, with the way you have things structure, you need to be clear about what the powers are or at least give clear hints as to what they are. Near the end of the poem is not a good place to reveal this unless you've been leading up to that revelation by hinting at it; this poem, however, did not really hint at anything.

Your stanza and line breaks in the last seven stanzas had me going "O_o". They could use a bit of tweaking, I think, so that related lines are grouped together in separate stanzas, at the least. Right now, you've got a couple stanzas that have two separate ideas in it, with same ideas split between stanzas.