Unfamiliar Ceilings

Needs some work helping it flow I think....
~
Unfamiliar ceilings
~
We sit on a splintered, sandy mosaic
as the unfamiliar ceilings
of foreign skies stretch above us
Boundless, uncaring, free.
~
Sylphs of cool salty breeze
caress our hot, weary bodies
Gulls hang on the fading skyline
black check marks dancing on the horizon
~
As the open wound of the sun
bleeds crimson into the ocean
topping waves with oily fire
a jaded sky sheds it’s pearly blue skin
~
The last few ribbons of daylight peel away
and stars unfold themselves
from the paper creases of the sky
burning origami
~
Standing on this cusp of shoreline
at one with the world
we stand here and solemnly wish
this feeling would last forever

I can sort of see the song qualities that it has from whatever the song it was inspired by. But one thing bothers me with that...what is the song?

I listen to music just about every time I write, and it influences what I write (hell, I'm listening to Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden as I write this review, and while I read the piece), but if you want to tell people it was inspired by a song, let us know what it is, or else we can't really be too certain on any expectation on what the piece will be about.

I can't say I won't say about it because you didn't put the title; that'd just be mean. I just think that if you don't want to say what it is, don't tell us that the piece was inspired by anything. It just makes confusion while reading the piece.

If there's one thing I can pinpoint about this piece that I enjoy, it's the connections between the sky, sea, and fire. It all ties together really well, and it folds up nicely right before a well written concluding stanza (folds up like nicely... just like the burning oragami).

Keep it up, and just keep in mind that if you want us to know something inspired you while writing, let us know! I felt an unpleasant sense of mystery while reading it because of that.

Have a lucky day!

Hey! I'm Evi. I liked your poem. You have some very nice images, and everything seems to flow together very cohesively.

a jaded sky sheds it’s pearly blue skin

Typo here! "It's" needs to be "its", possessive instead of a contraction. Common mistake. No worries.

One thing I think you should watch out for is listing adjectives.

We sit on a splintered, sandy mosaic
as the unfamiliar ceilings
of foreign skies stretch above us
Boundless, uncaring, free.
~
Sylphs of cool salty breeze
caress our hot, weary bodies
Gulls hang on the fading skyline
black check marks dancing on the horizon

The words I highlighted are adjectives that are just listed. I like the first line, so the "splintered, sandy" thing will pass, but work on finding a better way to say "boundless, uncaring, free" without actually saying those words. And in the second stanza, you list "cool, salty" and "hot, weary" back-to-back, which becomes repetitive. Again, show the coolness and the saltiness- don't just go out and give us the adjective.

Figure out what you want to do with capitalization and punctuation. It seemed like you couldn't really make up you're mind on that; I suggest capitalizing and punctuating just like you would a story. That means not capitalizing every line.

Lastly, I didn't like you're last stanza. With all the fantastic images and metaphors you have everywhere else, that falls flat, and you want to end on a strong note. If you have to, just cut off the last stanza and leave it as is, but it'd be even better if you could muster up a better end.

Good job! Keep writing.

~Evi

I'm here! Sorry for the wait, but I wanted to get a few things done and off my shoulders before tackling this for you!

So I think your imagery is beyond excellent. It was very easy to come up with a picture, and it was a beautiful picture at that.

On your concerns with the flow of this poem, I think you're partially correct. Example:

As the open wound of the sun
bleeds crimson into the ocean
topping waves with oily fire
a jaded sky sheds it’s pearly blue skin
~
The last few ribbons of daylight peel away
and stars unfold themselves
from the paper creases of the sky
burning origami

So in the first stanza, we talk about the sunset. Then the last line of that stanza, we talk about night. However, in this second stanza here, we start talking about the sunset again. There's a glitch in the time sequence here that messes with the imagery in our heads.

Standing on this cusp of shoreline
at one with the world
we stand here and solemnly wish
this feeling would last forever

I'm not sure there was enough reference to the speaker for the "we" to make sense in this poem. If the poem was speaking from an outsider's perspective, just analyzing the sunset they see, it would make more sense. Otherwise, we're jumping from a story (the first stanza) into a huge description of sunset and then back to the speaker in this final stanza. In other words, I suggest no "we" words in this poem. Just keep it at the one perspective you used when describing the sunset.

So the flow between the first stanza and second and the flow between the second-to-last stanza and the last. (Confusing much? ;D)

Also a second thought is to keep the metaphor you had with the painting and colors. A couple times you jumped into strange metaphors like origami and sylphs (What is that, anyway?) and even the gulls didn't much flow with the sky/sea/sunset thing you had going.

That's all I have! This is a beautifully-written poem. Keep up the great work!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi, Halycon! Here as you requested!

Actually, pretty much the only thing I wanted to point out was the listed adjectives, but Evi got there first. =D I didn't mind the first ones as much as the last line of the first stanza -- I've never found it a very strong way to say something in a poem. Or maybe strong isn't the best word... smooth would probably fit better.

Apart from that, I loved your imagery. These are some of my favourite parts:

As the open wound of the sun
bleeds crimson into the ocean

The last few ribbons of daylight peel away

Beautiful.

The ending was decent as well, though I did feel it was starting to sound a little cliched compared to the previous stanzas. All in all, I enjoyed reading this. Just contact me if you need any reviews or help in the future!


Demeter
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