Flowing Swiftly

The current never stops
Down the mountainside
A rock is carried
Until it comes to rest
At the bottom of a pool
The water travels on
Dancing, Singing
New yet timeless
It grids hard stones to meal
And the water moves forth
Flowing, swiftly

Hey Bud... Here goes your first work reviewed; don't worry I won't pick it apart to much. I have a really hard time criticizing art, even though I know it usually helps the artist oppose to merely boasting ones confidence.

First of all, I like how the whole piece is interconnected.

The current never stops
Down the mountainside

This is just a bit dull.. You can still use all the same words but try and make it more catchy, unique, mind-popping. "The mountainsides current, stops never, down down down.. A rock is carried." Is just an idea of the possibilities.

A rock is carried
Until it comes to rest
At the bottom of a pool

The word pool is a bit awkward here. Isn't this suppose to be a strong stream or river? A pool normally referred to a still current-less body of water.

The water travels on
Dancing, Singing

Dancing is associated with singing quite often so that is good to mention both simotaniously

New yet timeless

At first I questioned it, but you know what, I actually really like these 3 words!

It grids hard stones to meal

I'm confused with this line... I understand the grids part, it is an interesting metaphor to the river and the rocky bottom, however, meal? I can see why you wrote it, but if you were to just say It grids hard stones to change, or move, that would be perfect. Meal is a bit odd.

And the water moves forth
Flowing, swiftly

Good

Hey when I your age I don't think I wrote but a few poems and I am not sure they were even this good. Keep working at it; let the words come to you....

You describe the water very well here, and I would liek to think that this poem could be a metaphor for something deeper. I ahve no idea what this line means, though: "It grids hard stones to meal". I also think that your poem might benefit from some more punctuation, at the very least a full stop at the end so that it sounds more finished. You could perhaps add more description, about the rock and the mountainside. Your poem has good potential.

Thank you for the advice. This is my first post and I really do appreciate it. I had to do this poem from memory last year, and I think the original was a bit better than this. Most of my work is much darker and emotional, but I wanted to start with Flowing Swiftly because it was really the first poem I had ever written. Now that I think about it, pool and meal really do not fit in the poem. I probably could have used punctuation more, and most all of my poems are lacking that at the moment. Thanks again!

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This flows really easily and your imagery is very vivid and effective. The first line is powerful and really drew me into the poem.

I especially liked;
"Down the mountainside
A rock is carried
Until it comes to rest
At the bottom of a pool."

I'd cut "Dancing, singing" because I don't think you need it since you've already mentioned the flow of the river. I think "singing" is a little bland but I think it might be interesting to expand on the sounds the river made.

Hope this helps.
Jas