The Slick Floor- Prologue/ Chapter 1

Prologue

We escape together, his feet crunch in the gravel. Slowing his stride he looks behind us. No, no one follows. My steps are weak and my feet stumble beneath me, speaking to him my voice is ragged and soft, after all the punishments I’ve received over the last two long weeks. “Where are we going,” I stop walking and tap his shoulder waiting. His feet slow, turning to look at me, he speaks “Does it matter where we’re going,” his voice is soft and determined.

Limping slowly to him I wrap my arms around him, and whisper “it always matters.” Closing my eyes I wish to tell my mother I love her one more time, I wish to enjoy the sound of music rushing through my mind taking control of my body and moving me to the rhythm of the beat. The promise of love and a life filled with joy, now I know I may never enjoy these things again. My life is ending as we stand here in each others arms, they’ll find us. They’ll find us and when they do both of us shall die, together.

CHAPTER 1

My eyes burn and sting, closing them for a rare few seconds I wish to sleep. To drift off into a sleep filled with wonderful dreams, or the sleep where it’s so deep that you wake up in the morning and it feels as if you’ve slept for twenty minutes but yet twelve hours have passed.

But that has yet to come, here I’ve been staying up all night with my friends, studying and delving further into certain job choices. Is it a: an exciting job as the ice cream scooper at the local Baskin Robins. Or B: a flavor filled life of a coffee maker at the Starbucks at the corner of Ocean Rd. Lets not forget several other jobs that will hold excitement in my very near future.

Breathing in a deep lungful of moist air, it’s time to go home I chide myself silently. Slipping out of the small circle of my friends, I wave a hand and exchange quick goodbyes. Walking along the sidewalk back to my house I find myself stumbling along, my eyes seem to close. But I force them open several times.

My mind begs for sleep, the night is cold and brisk. All of the trees around me are encased in a layer of frost which reflects the moon, giving the trees a mysterious beauty.

Standing in front of my house I stare at the home of my childhood, two stories, and pitch black with a white door unusual colors for a home but as my mother has always said black and white can match with almost anything.

My room lies on the first floor, my parent’s is on the second. Now as I begin to grow older it becomes surprisingly convenient because I’m 15. I get to go out more than ever and even when my parents forbid me to go I sneak out and they never discover that I leave. Town curfew is at 12:30 am. But the police rarely enforce it unless someone phones in to report a problem.

Climbing in through my window, I replace the screen and slide the window shut clicking the lock in place. Shivers race up and down by spine; I shuffle to my bathroom and wash my face and teeth quickly. Slipping on my red silky sweats I curl up on my bed and place all my comforters over me. The weight seems to press down on me, urging me to close my eyes and sleep. Sleep comes to me quickly wrapping itself around me, tightening its deadened grip on my throat.

you must write more! I'm serious! I was completely absorbed in the story and forgot what was happening around me! This is an amazing story and I have to read more!!! Message me when you write the next part!

Dang, where to start...

You need to work on your punctuation and grammar, first. You hardly ever put question marks in where they should be, you mix up there/their/they're, and you keep writing everything in the passive voice. Don't get me wrong, the actual story was good, but it was rather ruined by the fact that you told it like it was a really boring English report, and not the beginning of an exciting adventure. Let me give you an example, mmkay?

Suddenly I can feel myself stepping on something and my ankle twists beneath my body weight, I go down falling hard on my back. The breath is knocked clear out of my body, I struggle to stand but trying to do anything other than walking unleashes a tear of pain throughout my right leg.

'I can feel myself stepping on something'? No, much too passive. Let me show you a better way to put this:

I glanced back, and I could see their vague shapes in the fading light--there were so many! My foot caught on a crack in the sidewalk and I collapsed on the concrete, hands burning where the skin had scraped across hard ground. I couldn't breathe, not for anything, and I laid there a moment, coughing and gasping. What if they catch up? I thought, and I tried to get up. "Oh God," I sobbed, pain lancing up my right leg like molten lava. Somewhere nearby, my pursuers laughed.

See how it seems more real this way? Your story is in present tense but past tense is much easier to read and write in, in my experience.

Also, your mix-up of there/they're/their. Let me show you the differences:

There was a dog lying in the leaves of the Morrison's front yard, and as I neared it, I could see a thin line of blood staining its heaving side. Picture 'there' as pointing something out (that helped me, when I used to get them mixed up). Like, "Look over there!"

"Their cat is such a jerk," moaned Cassie, sucking her bleeding thumb. 'Their' is possessive; it shows someone else's ownership--it's theirs. See?

And if anyone in the neighborhood is suspect, they're the first on my list. In this case, 'they're' is a contraction of 'they are'. When you think of there/their/they're, be careful not to get them mixed up--it won't look good in a story at all.

So try to work on making it more real, 'kay? Develop your character, so she isn't just your run-of-the-mill whiny rich high school teenager. Like I said, I really like the plotline, but how you develop it is even more important. Good luck, and if I wasn't clear enough, just drop me a private message, all right?

Oh, and never, ever give up writing, just because of what someone jealous idiot says, mmkay? All authors needed to learn this stuff before they could publish their stories--even Tolkien and Shakespeare and J.K. Rowling. =)

-SELA

Okay thanks! I really like your suggestions and I won't give up! By the way the paragraph that you fixed up was really good you must be an amazing writer... I'll have to check your stuff out.

Wow. I loved this story. It was absolutely amazing. As soon as I'm done here I'm going to go read the next part. There were a few grammar errors. I noticed that you used the wrong form of there a lot. Just be careful with that. Also, one other thing that really stuck out to me was "most quickest". It should be just "quickest". The "most" is not needed. Other than that, great job. Keep up the good writing.

Hi! i'm Kelly and i'm gonna be reviewing your story today!! ( I also am spectacular at stating the obvious, by the way)

great story. i like the beginning, it sounds like a suicide pact, pretty cool idea.

it seems like a whole lot of commas are missing

unusual colors for a home , but as my mother has always said black and white can match with almost anything.

You have a very very good cliffhanger. I cant wait to read what comes next!!