Blue Rose

I have never really read that many love stories and never really
wrote one. I will be really thankful for your criticism, no matter
how brutal it might be
The Title is just a random name I came up with (not really good at naming things).I might change it if i think of something better.
Please tell me if the plot seems decent enough to continue.
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"Oh Henry do you love me"
"Nope"
"Oh Henry do you love me" said Jeane again in a more rough voice.
"Nope"
"Oh for God's sake,Kevin,can't you just say your god damn lines properly?" She said in an annoyed tone.
"Arr why do i have to do this weird stuff, I never even wanted to be in this stupid play, what the heck did i do wrong?" I complained.
"Hm i don't know... maybe because you broke the lead actors foot you idiot!" She took a deep breath and continued," You not the only person who fells annoyed, I was so looking forward to the kissing scene with Tom, the love of my life , but now i just feel disgusted that i have to kiss a stupid looser like you, i feel disgusted just by thinking of it.... What wrong did he do to you that you had to go ahead and break his leg eh?"
"Its his fault for charging towards me with his bike , I just duked him and his bike hit the pole , but it was interesting to see the dumb guy flip into the air and fall to the ground with a thud." I started laughing. " Serves him right , I know he was trying to take revenge because his team lost against ours in the finals of our Schools Basketball tournament. That guy's got a lot of ego, he thinks that just because he is rich and looks good he can have what ever he wants. He deserves this.
"No it was just and accident. Why would he get jealous of a stupid guy like you? He is a very polite and a real gentleman, unlike someone i know." She gave me a cold stare," Couldn't you just get hit?"
"ya , ya what ever." I said in an ignorant voice.
" Arr apologise!" and she started hitting me on the shoulder , which really didn't hurt at all, but did not fail to be annoying all the time.
I have know Jeane for a very long time, maybe for about six years. When i was ten family died in a car accident but i managed to some how survive. What luck eh? Well anyway, after that I went to live with my uncle Max and aunt Merry in a town called call Ridwood, And Jeane's family just happened to be their neighbours . Me and her never did get along that well, and we both used to pick fights with each other. She's just one year younger than me. She look really beautiful too. She has long silky blond hair and blue eyes and was quite slender.

And me? well i got long messed up hair, dark brown eyes and don't talk very much to any one, except Jeane and my pals from the basketball team.
We both attend the same school and have been walking home together as far as I remember.
"Cough! Cough! Cough!"
" You alright there?" said Jeane in a more softer and caring way.
" Nah its nothing, I have already become used to this during these six years. And anyway,its not like i am gonna die just because i am coughing out blood now and then, most probably."
"Oh come on, how many times do I have to tell you that you shouldn't say things like that."
"Ah OK, OK ." i said trying to calm her down a bit. "Well any way, so see ya tomorrow then, bye."
" Ya bye, and you take care of your health." She said, which seemed more like a command than a request. She always seems to get really sympathetic and caring when I start to cough out the 'red water', which kinda makes me fell kinda pathetic , but at the same time comforts me for some reason.
Then we parted , and went back to our own houses.

First Thoughts

If I were you I would go through this and edit it. Not capitalizing your "I's" and the lack of proper punctuation is not only distracting, it makes me wonder if you put any effort into this at all. And if you're not going to put any effort into your writing, why should a reviewer put a whole lot of effort into reviewing it?

If you need some help brushing up on proper punctuation, I highly suggest you check out our Knowledge Base for some really helpful hints.

On Description and Content

The main issue you are having with this piece is the lack of description. I am typically left feeling a bit lost as to what is going on and where your characters even are. Clearly the first bit is them running lines for what I am assuming is a school play, but where are they doing this? Are they practicing on stage, or in a park? Give us more to go off of. Dialogue is only one portion of a story, it's important to incorporate other aspects as well.

As for the story itself, I am sort of bored with it. So far it's a very typical story, boy and girl can't stand each other, they're thrust into a situation where they are forced to spend time together, etc. Unfortunately, it's all something I feel like I have read before.

On Dialogue

The main problem with the dialogue is that in parts it does start to feel a bit stiff and unrealistic. I am trying to feel the characters out, but right now they both seem very distant. The girl is rude, the boy is rude back, the boy coughs, the girl is sympathetic. It's all sort of blah.

As for the coughing, I found it interesting that you decided to make that a piece of dialogue. If I were you, I would try to turn it into an action. Rather than saying "cough, cough, cough!" Actually give us a description of your narrator coughing, what does it feel like, is his throat sore and scratching? As a reader you've got to give us more to go off of, it both brings us into the story and makes us feel like we're part of what is going on.

Overall

I think there is some pretty good potential here, if you clean up the language, add some more description, and do a bit of self editing you could really take it places. Try rereading it and working on thinking about all of the senses as you do. If you're at a loss as to how to add description effectively, always try to think of the five senses. What do they see, smell, feel, hear, taste? Giving those details is a really great way to make a scene feel real.

Hope this helps,

OverEasy

Okay. Personally I thought it was good. A little short, but good. However, I definitely reccommend proof reading. There were a few instances where your subject didn't agree with your verb, and grammar errors such as "me and her". It should be "she and I". I also think a little more detail would be nice. Overall I thought it was good. Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading a second part to this.

OverEasy makes some great points in her review, she always doest. But I might as well give you a few more pointers, right?

First off, this does come across as a bit too sloppy. Editing is important. Sure, there is always likely to be a flaw or two here and there but you’ve got plenty more than what I would expect when coming in to read a story.
Dialogue and Punctuation are definitely important, especially here where dialogue is a very integral point in the story. The rules on these websites are both quite useful in working on the basics of dialogue.

But one thing that they both leave out has to do with this:

"Oh Henry do you love me"
"Nope"
"Oh Henry do you love me" said Jeane again in a more rough voice.

“Oh, Henry, do you love me?” is how it should read. You missed the question marks at the end but something else also. When speaking to someone, you need to put comma’s around their name. However, when speaking about something, the comma’s are unneeded.

Examples:
“Dad, you’re coffee cup is on the counter,” the son said.
“If it’s nice outside today, Dad, will you play catch with me?” he asked.
“That tie looks very nice on you, Dad,” she chimed in.
“Is Dad going to work tomorrow?”

"Oh for God's sake, Kevin, can't you just say your god damn lines properly?"

And yet you did it correctly here. Oh well.


Believability
There I two things I don’t see as believable here.
First: People being the soul survivor of a - car crash/plane crash/bus tip over/or whatever! –without an explanation seems very cliché. It’s not usually as bad if there is an actual reason for why that person survived even though no one else did.
Second: If someone is coughing up blood (I was a little confused on that part. Was he actually coughing up blood or just being sarcastic) then there would be way more of a reaction than what there was. Coughing up blood usually signals something as serious as Tuberculosis.
Keeping things believable keeps readers reading.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore

Hey Radid!
I'll review this today!

I'll point out some things I noticed.
1. Your hook it's quite interesting because it begins with dialogue but the story just went from a quite interesting start to a flatter state and never really went out of it.

2. Your I's, most of them were not capitalized. That's a huge mistake when you're writing. You should be careful with that because it is really important to have proper grammar in order to make your writing seem decent.

3. Your punctuation. It was a real problem, especially your dialogue punctuation which was wrong or lacking, you have to be careful because it's distracting and if you have a misplaced comma or period or any other punctuation mark, a sentences or group of sentences could be misunderstood.

4. Your spelling. It was not a huge issue, but it was present in the story. To be honest it was almost too confusing, I couldn't understand it because of the amount of spelling mistakes in some parts.

5. Your characters. Really undeveloped and random, both your characters seemed random, as if they met, said hi, were mad at each other, and suddenly disappeared. Most of the story they were fighting, over something not too understandable, but they were. I felt your characters exactly the same, how come two completely different characters end up making the reader feeling them exactly the same? Easy, the lack of proper characterization. You have to make different, give them traits, habits, some quirks.

6. It was kind of flat, in setting and development. It started and all of a sudden finished. To be honest, the end quite took me by surprised, it was so quick and flat!

I'll point out some nitpicks

Hm i don't know... maybe because you broke the lead actors foot you idiot!" She took a deep breath and continued," You not the only person who fells annoyed,

Two things capitalize I, and your spelling. It should be You are not the only person who feels annoyed.

"Hm i don't know... maybe because you broke the lead actors foot you idiot!" She took a deep breath and continued," You not the only person who fells annoyed, I was so looking forward to the kissing scene with Tom, the love of my life , but now i just feel disgusted that i have to kiss a stupid looser like you, i feel disgusted just by thinking of it.... What wrong did he do to you that you had to go ahead and break his leg eh?"
"Its his fault for charging towards me with his bike , I just duked him and his bike hit the pole , but it was interesting to see the dumb guy flip into the air and fall to the ground with a thud." I started laughing. " Serves him right , I know he was trying to take revenge because his team lost against ours in the finals of our Schools Basketball tournament. That guy's got a lot of ego, he thinks that just because he is rich and looks good he can have what ever he wants. He deserves this.

You should one thing with your dialogue, you should separate each character's interventions in different paragraphs because it's confusing and it's not clear when each of the characters speak. Another thing is that your dialogue is flat because your don't show us some facial or body expression that a character has.

Overall
I can't say if I liked it or not because most of it didn't make much sense and the punctuation and grammar were really distracting. I do think it has potential but try to avoid cliche because there have been many other stories that are exactly about that same thing. So try to think in what ways is your story different and how it will stand out.

So, hope I helped
Pudin

Firstly, I like the characters of the story particularly the dialogue. You had made use of using the dialogue to create a sort of relationship between them. Further more, I also like the introduction of secondary characters within the dialogue in which you had given a sort of physical detail about them.

Now for the review:

The first part of thye story which starts from the first dialogue up before the introduction of his relationship to Jenie contains limited use of descriptions and style. Other than the realistic diaologue, there is not much I can get from this. For example, where is this place taken place? Is it outside or inside? Try to elaborate on the setting just by giving the reader a brief info on where these people are such as a stage or lockers or the school field.
Further more, the descriptions of the characters action are also partial. Take for example, “Ignorant voice”. What do you mean by ignorant voice? What does the character look when they are doing that? Are their brows raised or are they rolling their eyes. This also include the “laughing” part. Just by using, “laughing” seems not enough to put an effect to the reader.

The second part of the story is where you describe your characters. The main flaw is that you tell them rather than show them. On the paragraph when you tell about his past, do not give it all. Do not reveal it in one full paragraph for by doing so, the reader may lack interest in getting to know the character’s past. The same go for their physical description…do not stell it straight away.
What to do is to reveal it through either dialogue or through the character’s mind or through an event such as when Jenie’s hair is caught by a yellow cab and that the boy find hard where her hair is or by metaphors such as the boy looking at a yellow dandelion. Same goes or the past, do not reveal it suddenly and instead hide it through dialogue or by events such as the boy walking and spot a car similar to the car where his family died.
Finally, the last part of the story seems a bit cut-off from the story. Firstly, you told us about the rich kid and jumps to the illness without a break. To resolve this, have a bridge. What I mean is to connect the two points with relation to both of them. For example, they are arguing when all of the sudden, the boy’s face grew pale and he was coughing. That way, you are able to connect to both paragraph.

In conclusion, this story possess a rather cuteness in relationship. But other than that, it must be concerned on the physical descriptions, the “showing rather than telling” and the setting in order for the story to be appealing.