The Day I Killed My Love

I was up late the other night, and all of this just kind of jumped out of me. Im not sure how much sense it makes, but it is what it is. I don't normally do poetry, just wanted to give it a shot in the dark. Hope I don't accidentally hit anyone .



The Day I killed My Love



The day I killed my love
it snuck up behind me
and tried to strangle my soul.

It snuck up behind me
from many seasons ago
trying to reclaim me.

It tried to strangle me with waves of love
waves of kisses
waves of emotion.

I fought it off of me
all those nights of passion
all that good loving gone bad.

The day I killed my love
I threw it into the corner
and stood to confront it.

Its gilded face looked before me
covered in sweat and tears
its pulchritude starring into me.

Why had I not killed it before
I asked myself
as I drew closer.

I grabbed it by the jaw
and lifted it high off the ground
before smashing its face in.

The day I killed my love
it fell and slid against the wall
before crumbling onto the floor

I bent before it
starring into its eyes
as it wept and bled before me.

Tearing off my inamorata’s face
I could see it for what it was
a cruel haunting soul.

My soul benighted,
I pulled out my pen
and struck home.

into its beauty
into its heart
into its soul

My pen now covered in blood
had done its deed
and avenged my peace

The day I killed my love
I wrote it into this poem
never to be heard from again.

Wowza! Intesne, cool poem, but sad at the same time. Keep at it, I'll be looking for more of your stuff!!

Peace!
~*~fairygirl~*~

You might want to delete your name; people can track you down with it.

It snuck up behind me

This line is redundant. I think the poem would be better off without this entire stanza, actually, and with the first line of the third stanza modified to "It tried to reclaim me with waves of love".

its pulchritude staring into me.

Watch your spelling. You've misspelled the same word later on in the poem.

As for "pulchritude", how can someone's beauty stare? Also, you've used common words up until now; tossing this lengthy and uncommon word out of the blue completely broke the flow. Your use of "inamorata" is not as egregious, but it still disrupts the flow.

Overall, your punctuation was very inconsistent and did not make much sense. The lack of commas and question marks made things difficult to understand, and I'm wondering why you felt compelled to end each stanza with a period. If you were going for a raw, bare feel for your poem that a lack of punctuation can provide, your line breaks need to be better placed so that ideas are emphasized and grouped together accordingly.

You did do a good job of transitioning your ideas and expanding on how you killed your love. In particular, I really liked how you ended the poem; the last stanza is my favorite.

Overall, this poem is an good start. You definitely have a lot of potential with poetry. :D

Wow!!! That's all I can say. It's really deep and emotional. I also get my best ideas late at night especially after a confusing day. I'll keep looking for your work.

So this poem... everything in it can be explained by once sentence, and that sentence is in your title. Were is the story? Where is the meaning? What am I supposed to take away from this? Because right now, I have no answer for any of those.

Here are some questions for you. The answers to these should be included in this poem so that it does have a plot, a meaning, a story.

Why did you kill your love?
How do you feel about killing your love?
Why were you drawn to you love?

All these things are very important if we are going to understand why you wanted to kill your love!

I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I liked it, but I do not think it is complete.

Classy

i love the poem structure, specially the line repetitions. the narrator, however, struck me as two-dimensional; i cannot even empathize with him. there was no further elaboration of what he feels, no playing out of various emotions inside him which would have made this poem more intense and engaging.

Keep Writing!

I totally agree with Classy. You have a lot of talent, but you need to (and I quote my English teacher) "juice it up." Add some information, some good descriptions, a story line! This will be awesome with work. Keep writing, good people!

--Dreamy115

Thanks for the insight and advice! I greatly appreciate it!

Hey!

I've got to say that this is one of the best pieces of poetry I've read in a long time. It's so drawing and gripping. It entices from start to finish. I adore your structuring and I actually admire the simple punctuation; thus the poem has some beautifully crafted fluency. What I will say is that I think it hasn't ended. The ending is a little to blunt off for me and I think you need to keep going. There's an urge for me to keep reading after the ending and really I shouldn't have that.
Perhaps write some more?

Love it!
Ben

BenFranks wrote:I've got to say that this is one of the best pieces of poetry I've read in a long time. It's so drawing and gripping. It entices from start to finish. I adore your structuring and I actually admire the simple punctuation; thus the poem has some beautifully crafted fluency. What I will say is that I think it hasn't ended. The ending is a little to blunt off for me and I think you need to keep going. There's an urge for me to keep reading after the ending and really I shouldn't have that.
Perhaps write some more?

Wow, thanks for a great response! I'll think about adding more to it. I'll pm you if I do.