What we want.

Drift
Down
Down
A Glide
of Peace

Down to
Earth
Not Hell
Here
There is
A heaven
To be had
to sip upon
the wine
of all fruits
and taste
vibrations
of melody
Dance
Dancing
For Wings
To Fly
Up, Up, Up
To the heaven,
your mystic
heart and mind

Ride
Glide
Upon
Swift
Plains
of
Life
and
Love
Forever
Till
You
Reach
The Mountains
of green
with falling
water
on the edge
of the beauty
you imagined
as
a
dreamer

Hello, Noksha! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I'm trying to figure out what is up with this poem. I'm not sure just what you are trying to achieve with this poem. What are you trying to tell us with it? As it appears right now, you're just listing random words. I think this would flow a lot better, and might make a bit more sense, if you would break it up into a more traditional form, with stanzas. Then your readers might know what is going on, and they will appreciate it a lot more.

So, you've got quite a bit of work to do. PM me if you've got any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hello,

I agree with Conrad. I can't quite work out what you are trying to tell me as the reader here. It just looks like a list of words. If you don't like Conrads idea of breaking it into stanzas, though I think this would be the best thing for this poem, then you could add some more punctuation (because at the moment you have just one comma) so that the reader knows where you are pausing. That's one thing you have to remember when writing poetry, we aren't inside your head.

So work on your punctuation and formatting here and you might have a good piece, it's just hard to tell at the moment. (Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about this)

Good Luck
~Lydia

Hello there!

I see you are new, so first I'd like to welcome you to YWS!

I'm a third who can't seem to work out what this poem is. When I try to read it, I can't seem to help my eyes wandering down onto other lines, and I think this is because of the shortness of some, well, most of them. You've got a lot of thoughts that don't seem to transition well, but I think that dividing this into stanzas of a little more length would help to get your ideas together and also to make it easier on the reader. I agree that punctuation would help immensely as well.

However, I liked what I gathered from it. I think that with a bit of work, this can transform into something really great! Never give up. Take this and tweak it, and make it a masterpiece.

Take care, and keep doing what you do!

~Freyja

P.S. Feel free to PM me or anyone else who offeres if you've got questions about anything! We're here to help.

Hi there! I think the main problem with this poem is where your line-breaks are. It makes it a little difficult to read, but while in some places it does seem like a list of random words, towards the end you use some quite nice imagery. It would be really good if you could play around with your line breaks, make your lines a bit longer and expand on the image you created at the end of the poem. I think this would help you give out a much stronger message. Have fun with it.

Hey again, Moksha.
I agree with Matt; your line breaks make this poem definitely hard to read. And, indeed, it seems like a thrown away shopping list full of random words in certain places. But, I also like it; changing your line breaks would mean more empathy, or...I don't know. It would just fit better, give a stronger message. Nice job, however.
Tata,
Mizz

I'm trying to tell you the world is going to end. Duh.

No, but seriously though there is no need for me to have this poem mean anything to you. The words may not flow the best, but still they make sense. This is a poem about feeling, imagination, life, dreamers. Those concerned with such subjects could realize. Like wise it is a free verse poem, with obviously no rhyme or rhythm. The words are not literal and seem be imagery of a mystical sense. There is not necessarily a need for punctuation, after each line there is a break. Or you could read it straight all together. Definitely not a list of random words though. Duh.

I would heed all of your advice if this was poetry for some sort of publishing. This is self satisfaction, selfish as it is.

I don't know. I just think it's obvious this poem is about achieving some sort of heaven on earth before death. You don't have to be inside my head to comprehend

Down to
Earth
Not Hell
Here
There is
A heaven
To be had
to sip upon
the wine
of all fruits
and taste
vibrations
of melody
Dance
Dancing
For Wings
To Fly
Up, Up, Up
To the heaven,
your mystic
heart and mind

Again, sorry I'm not open to your criticism but if this is some sort of dribble so is your advice on useless mechanics folded and packaged for the fine combing audience.

I'm sorry, Moksha. You posted your poem, and therefore meant we would review, us YWSers. And we did, therefore giving you our opinion. Now, it is the writers (you) choice to use our advice. However, tis a little rude, no doubt, to say our advice was useless, Moksha. *shakes head*
I guess that's your opinion, but my opinion is to treat others how you would want to be treated. If you reviewed one of my pieces, and I said what you just did, you would feel offended, eh, because you spent all that time reviewing that work so that person could make it better!
Now. Goodbye.
-Mizz

Aha. Sorry dude. I guess I feel like it was already written. I can keep everything in mind for the next poem I write though so thank you everyone. I put a lot of energy into this poem and it's a little silly people downgrade it on the account of their own lack of understanding. I agree though it may need some punctuation, and is written rather inefficiently.

Do you guys know what real poetry is?
The energy written in every breath. In every soul. The eternal dribbling down into what what we make out to be nature and love.

Moksha, you're doing it again. Lack of understanding? Downgrading? We're trying to help you upgrade it, and I understand you thinking it can't get any better than it is, but, oh, it can!
And, Moksha, I dare say we do know what poetry is. But every poem has the potential to be better. Do you think Robert Frost became so good without the advice of teachers, of friends? No. Poems have potential, and reviewers help release the potential for the writer to make it as best as it can be--to reach the poems' full potential.
Now, Moksha, saying sorry is one thing, but still saying what you were before conflicts that. I accept, however, but I wasn't your only reviewer.
Bye.
-Mizz

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry. And thank you. Next time I write (which won't be for awhile) I will use your advice.

The only thing is... poetry is subjective, and definitely symbolic. There may not be plot or concrete objects in it but it does not mean there is no meaning. Even if I were to punctuate and add more rhythm I would not change the symbolism and spirituality of the words I have already written. It speaks about all sorts of things. A quest, for one, upon the waves of energy that is an enchanted life. Drift down down....Ride, glide upon.