Woes Behind Curtains

Upon the illuminated stage,
she dances like a butterfly,
suckling honey from her spectators;
she leaps into the awe of the crowd,
light and eminence clear on her chin;
and as the curtains sweep to a close,
she fades.

Hello mSoleil!

I'm Freyja and I'll be taking a look at this.

First of all, I like the subject matter and how short and sweet it is. I like that it's so free-form and not forced as well. It brought a smile to my face as it reminded me of a short story I wrote once about a dancer who sort of "faded away." It's funny how someone I've never talked to can come up with something that's so similar, yet so different. Anyway. I definitely pushed the like button for you.

However, with any work, there's always room for improvement. I'm going to do a line-by-line review and tell you what I think should be tweaked, and then below that I'll do a critique as a whole. I've put spaces between the lines for ease of reading; however, your form is good and you don't have to change your spacing at all.

Upon the illuminated stage,

she dances like a butterfly,

suckling honey from her spectators>Okay, so this is a technical nitpick. Butterflies don't suck honey; they suck nectar. However, honey could work here as a term for "sweetness," so think about that and decide. I really love the metaphor--how you've turned these audience members into flowers.

that are like flowers to her;>See, I could tell from the line above that the spectators were flowers. So you've backed up your metaphor with a simile that says the same thing, which is not needed. I think it would be a much stronger and more powerful image if you took this line out.

she leaps into the awe of the crowd,

light and eminence clear on her chin;>This seems to say to me, "chin up! I'm a star!" Not sure if that's what you were going for, but I felt that it was a good image.

and as the curtains sweep to a close,

she fades. >And here it is. She fades. But we can only tell how she fades because of the title. Oddly enough, I sort of like that, so I'll point it out to you and have you think over it a bit. Someone might come after me with something to say about this, too.

I think your rhythm was beautiful. Your punctuation was wonderful, and I liked that you didn't capitalize every first letter of every line. It gives this poem simplicity and elegance.

I'm not finding myself with much to tell you to change; my main thing is to take out the line "that are like flowers to her."

Very, very good job.
I hope to see more from you soon!
Take care!
~Freyja.

Hey Freyja,
Thanks so much for commenting! I think I will edit out that one line. It does seem sort of awkward, doesn't it? Anyways, thanks again.
~mSoleil

Okay, first off, Van's name is not Freyja, it's evilsnakelady.

Haha

Okay, here I go.

I like this, highly original. I wish you would have extended your metaphor of her being a butterfly. I think that the last sentence should have to do with the butterfly.

I also felt like the last line was an ending, but it wasn't very... concluding. I feel like the story isn't over yet. And I would love to hear more!

Classy

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

Your imagery us beautiful and this flows really nicely. I really love;
"suckling honey from her spectators".

The last line is great, and I love how "she fades" is given a line on its own. Maybe make the full-stop here an ellipsis to mirror the fading.

My only criticism is that I'd change "into the awe" to "to the awe" or else say "into the...(insert specific image of crowd here)".

Hope this helps. Feel free to P.M me if you ever need a poetry review.

Jas

Hullo! We don't really need an introduction, I've reviewed your lovely poetry before!
Anyway.

Punctuation
This is well thought out and I don't have any problem with your fluency of rhythm. (<- rarely do I say this, so well done!)

Tone
Okay. I adore the 2nd person narrative that's just ingenious. There's also a constant, smooth and calm tone that reflects the effects of your vocabulary so it's compliments all round so far!

Structure
I actually think you've structured this very well. -- Just note what Jasmine's mentioned about the "awe" line, I'm going to have to agree!

Language
I think it's colourful and the main thing is that it delivers the effect needed for this to not sound alien to the meaning and tone and also so it doesn't sound unoriginal or imperfect. I think there's constant vivid imagery and I felt very happy reading it, so again, no nitpicks!

Meaning
Implied, mysterious and individual to the reader. Just the way I like it.

Favourite bit:

and as the curtains sweep to a close,
she fades.

What a way to end! The reader feels it and you don't leave me dissapointed.

Overall
Sorry, but this is compliments alround.
I believe that this is known as flawless

*claps*

keep it up,
Ben

Hello! After reading the first couple of lines, I kind of expected this to rhyme. I don't really know why, I was just surprised when it didn't, but it's not a bad thing - just something that surprised me. Anyway, this was short and sweet, which I like. It would be nice if you extended the butterfly metaphor a bit further, or perhaps said something more about her performance. What would be even better though is if you could say more about what happens when the curtain falls. Your poem is called "Woes Behind Curtains", so I'd really like to see what goes on after the show, and the contrast between the before and after. Apart from that though, nicely done.