Young Love... Pfft?

I used to be a nonbeliever,
I doubted every notion.
We can’t just slap hearts on a wall,
Or create it with a potion.
-
Love’s not an easy game to play,
And definitely not for kids.
How should we know what to expect,
Or how high we'll raise our bids?
-
Yet now I am hypocrite,
For I have wagered my two cents.
And I've invested my life in this emotion,
Let’s hope that I have sense.

Hey, Timmy. Hope you're having a nice day.
Okay, so what I liked about this:
1. It's classic, very nice subject.
2. I love the stanza NO. 2. It's my favorite.
There's more that I like, but on to the harsh part of my review. What I don't like:
1. Stanza two should have a question mark at the end of the last line. So, fix that.
2. You need to use periods, not just commas. End sentences. Don't just use commas, commas, commas.
3. The first stanza and third we're okay, not phenomenal or great.

Well, nice work.
-Mizz

This is my first review so forgive me if I talk rubbish xD

I really like this, its short, sweet and simple whcih works for the poem .

I especially like the two lines

We can’t just slap hearts on a wall,
Or create it with a potion.

The things that could be done slighty better is in the last stanza you use "I have" which sounds a bit repetitive. just " And I invested" would have worked, but thats just my opinion.

also, in the line "To know what the man forbids" The "the" doesn't really need to be there.

But apart from the little things, I enjoyed this poem.

keep writing
Halycon

Heya, Timmy! How're ya? I'm Kat, and I'll do a quick review okay?

Why quick? 'Cause there's not much to say! I absolutely adored this. As you must have been told thousands times here, on YWS, this kind of theme is very common because we're all young an din love Anyway, one thing that is crucial to a poem like this is originality, and boy did you bring it. It had a very good flow, that combined with the good choice of words, made it an easy read!

There was yet one small thing that bothered me: the punctuations. There were some stop here and there, that made me have to read the above line again to understand why'd you put that kind of punctuation, and that's not good. For a poem to make us feel, we need to keep with the emotion, and distractions and these kind of stops ain't good.

So, an example, shall we?

And I have invested my life in this emotion,
Let’s hope that I have sense.

For example, I simply despite that comma right there. It takes feeling out of the line. How is that possible? No idea on how to explain it to, unfortunately. Suggestion: trade the first comma for a period and leave the last one blank. Not every line needs to have punctuation

How should we know what to expect,
To know what the man forbids.

From the comma, tot he sense of the first line as a question, tot he capitalized 'To', this made me stop and stare it for a moment xD So, this, for me, an easy fix would be to dis capitalize the 'to', for not every line needs to be capitalized. I'm still shaky about the comma, but I'm hopeful it would work better like that.

So, remember, these are only my opinions, my suggestions! People have the right to disagree, and feel free to ignore them ^.^ Overall, I really liked this. The second and third stanzas were my favourite.

Oh, another thing!

We can’t just slap hearts on a wall,
Or create it with a potion.

Here, on the last line, the 'it' is a bit confusing. I assume you're referring to love, but you haven't mentioned it yet so it's a bit off-putting. Plus, the line is slightly cliché xD

So, have a good night and keep on the good work!
- Kat

Be warned, I'm a newb and my words may prove fruitless, useless, and lacking in fundamentals.

None-the-less, here's my two-cents.

13timmy24 wrote:Let’s hope that I have sense.

I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say.

Are you trying to get across that you don't really believe what was stated prior to this or that you do and you hope you have enough sense to get out of the current relationship?

I guess upon reflection it becomes more obvious, but when reader's read, they don't want to spend time in interpretation. They want to spend time comparing your words to their lives.

In all seriousness I applaud this poem. I stink at anything on the subject of love.

13timmy24 wrote:I used to be a nonbeliever, 9*
I doubted every notion, 6
We can’t just slap hearts on a wall, 8
Or create it with a potion. 7**
-
Love’s not an easy game to play, 8
And definitely not for us kids, 9
How should we know what to expect, 8
To know what the man forbids. 7
-
Yet even now I’m a hypocrite, 9****
For I have wagered my two cents, 8
And I have invested my life in this emotion, 13?!
Let’s hope that I have*** sense. 6****

*Counted the syllables in each line. Green means it fits well and has good flow; blue means it helps the flow of the line directly over or under it that's blue, but doesn't necessarily fit into the rest of the poem; and red means it hurts the flow.
**The first syllable of the last line in each stanza is excluded from the number, due to technical reasons.
***"Let's hope that I make sense?"
****This line partially fits the line directly over/under it, and probably doesn't fit any of the rest of the poem.

I liked the first stanza the most. While the poem is rather nice as a whole, the first is definitely the best.

Why, though? First of all, even though none of the stanzas managed to keep a constant number of syllables in each line, the first one had the most flow. You might want to look at the quote for all the things I said.

I really don't want to dwell on the technicalities of the poem, because you did such a good job in expressing your emotions. That's probably the only reason I like the poem so much. You did a great job on that.

Basically you did a pretty good job on your poem. You might want to read up on the complicated parts of it, such as flow, but other than that it's solid. Keep writing.

Hello
I really enjoyed reading this and am a huge believer in young love. I thought it was very insightful and sort of inconspicuously made a point. In fact, I think that the context is so deep that you may even consider making it a little longer. Not that I object to a short and sweet poem. I'm just really enthralled with a poem when the ending ties in with a statement in the beginning. But it was very well written and I think you could do a lot more with it if you wanted.

Gramatically, I didn't find any mistakes. Cheifly because I'm so terrible at it that I wouldn't be able to distinguish any errors if there were any.

All in all, great job!

Hi Timmy! I liked your poem, so I'm going to write a quick review.

I really like this! It's original, and different from most of the stuff I've read on this site.
I like both the first and second stanzas especially, but I'm not a big fan on the last, I still liked it though.
I didn't particularly enjoy the last line. It was okay, but I didn't like it as much as the rest. Although reading over it again, I'm liking it more.

Good job! Keep writing.

~Mo.

Hello Timmy,

I like this, it is original and holds its own on this site which is great! It was a nice refreshing break from some of the usual stuff I read. I liked the second staza the most, and I agree with Mo, I wasn't a big fan of the last line, it was okay, so-so I might say. Nothing special, but I liked the rest alot

Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey there Timmy!

I have to say that your opening is absolutely brilliant!

I used to be a nonbeliever,
I doubted every notion.

I think the "doubted every notion" is what sets the rhythm going and it kind of acts like the grip line too.

We can’t just slap hearts on a wall,
Or create it with a potion

I love what you tell me in these two lines. There's a strong effect and it creates a smiley, rhythmic tone but at the same time I can feel that you're trying to come across by saying that "it dun' come easy".

I think the main nitpick I have is with your final stanza. I think some of the lines are too long so the fluency becomes choppy. Work on this and we'll see some good improvements.

Keep writing,
Ben