Some may have read what I posted before, some reply "Not enough information about you... how are you condemned?" I won't go into a whole damn biography but I will highlight one main event briefly and how I came to become dark, twisted, sinister and cynical.
-Soul Purge-
I was done, for a moment I actually let everything in the past go. Hell, it is hard to let yesterday and its days before just go, without their influences haunting you in the future. I let everything go, the hardships, the abuse, the loneliness, the pain, the disappointment, the crushes, the false hope, the deception and of course the failures.
-The Dream that Never Ceases-
I let it go... I never felt so relieved and content. But that would all change in a dream in the exact same night. The dream, hell I don't know if it was a fantasy or nightmare. I had the girl that I desired, we were happy, had a small little house and a car, hell we even had a chihuahua! Our lives were ahead of us, there was nothing holding us back anymore.
How does this sound like a nightmare? The cruelness of reality came back and awoken me. Bringing back to a reality that the creator has given us only to laugh in my face, revealing the one desire I wanted that I failed miserably to achieve.
-The Girl-
Now the girl... she was one of the most rarest females to find, beautiful, intelligent and somewhat hard headed; but she did not judge me for what the high school society has branded me as "Scary/Serial Killer", hell she actually somewhat liked me.
I know "Why didn't you jump on this?" You may ask. I was but she chose another, this is where it may sound cliche, but there is nothing cliche about a girl condemning herself to her own false lie of love to some random asshole.
Her family life wasn't what you call "good or content", to escape her family she used some guy who's reply was "Whatever..." when she asked him if they wanted to get together. You tell me does that sound romantic or desirable?
Time continues, her so called "boyfriend" just seems to agitate her even more than usual. One day she breaks down and cries alone in the school's library, I come up to her seeing her on a desk alone.
"What's wrong?" I question casually.
"That my life is not going to get any better," she replies.
"Where is your boyfriend?" I comment seeing that this should be something for him to know.
"I don't care, he doesn't even know I am here..." she replies.
"If you don't care about him, why do you love him?" I question.
"I don't... he is my only way out of one hell, my home..." she replies.
She admits her own lie and later condemns herself into her own false belief. I try to talk to her now, but there is no response as she lives a life of lie. "Why couldn't I have been her line out?" I ask myself this question almost each day.
-Back to the Dream-
It is somewhat bittersweet that dream and the next ones after only revealing my failure even more clearly. I sleep somewhat good but wake up to remember the past that I try to forget. But they also give me inspiration, hell six different story plots have been created from them.
-The Reality that I am Condemned to-
Most could care less about what the hell I say and what I write, for they have no time to reminisce on yesterday and novelties. Hell most people don't even read this thing, so why the hell do I bother to write this or have friends?
The witting part is easy to answer, I just like to write, it is fun and interesting. To create something out of pure thought and have others relate, reflect, see my perspective or enjoy it is just epic. My writing has became a bit more darker, twisted and crude... but its interest has increase tenfold. I hope one day I can get paid to write, that is one of my desires.
The having friends... there is a mixture of answers. Maybe a part of me wants to keep the past in mind. Maybe I just want to talk to those in the past. Maybe I want to be remembered? Sadly for me, all the answers above are in vain. I message my old high school friends, no one replies. Maybe its just that they don't care... no matter, I really don't expect much anymore.
To those who even bother, thanks. To her, stop coming in my dreams and making me remember what I try to forget. And if you cannot stop, at least reject me so a piece of my condemnation can be served and so I can move on...
-Writing Revelation, "My Condemnation, Entry 01-10-2010"-
Life's a bitch and then you die... you can bitch along side of it and die in vain or you can bitch slap it; take control of it and die somewhat more peacefully...
-E.M.R. a.k.a "Chaos Angelfish"
P.S. - I thought it was pretty unique, what do you think?
F.Y.I. - I strive to write differently and yes I do break some rules, regulations and professionalism of the "Imperialistic" writing styles that so many follow. I am not trying to be spiteful, just striving to be unique.
-Chaos Angelfish
