Hatred

*I really don't know where this belongs amoung the poetry, it's another silly attempt at writing it. All critques are welcome and encouraged. I really want to improve my poetry writing *




The anger floods into me
Filling me up, over flowing
Until the hot, sticky tears brim my eyes


No, I will not let them fall,
Breaking my composure.
I will contain them,
Swallow them whole


Blinding me,
The steaming anger won’t release it’s hold,
Won’t let me breath


Though my face is blue as ice,
Cheeks are puffed out and eyes are bulging,
My insides are a flaming crimson
Torched by the anger I keep bottled up


Always keeping your cool
You expect me to do the same
But there’s no way


By now the tears have forced themselves upon my cheeks
The torching of my insides has smoldered, and
My face regains it’s color
Once again I can breath

Hello!

I like this, I would pick it apart but homework calls...
Just one thing the line

But now the tears have forced themselves upon my cheeks

It's a bit long and it breaks the rhythm, you could either cut it in half and make two seperate lines, or you could try re-wording it to get the same message across but with fewer syllables

Keep Writing
~Lydia

thanks

The anger floods into me
Filling me up, over flowing
Until the hot, sticky tears brim my eyes

I usually see that word spelled as overflowing.
And I believe substituting "brim" with "burn" would make the third line more powerful.

No, I will not let them fall,
Breaking my composure.
I will contain them,
Swallow them whole

"Breaking" is in the present tense, But the rest of this section implies that you are talking about the future. I would suggest you change, "Breaking" into "And break"
Also here you are saying that she will not let them fall, when clearly they fell in the previous stanza. (I could be wrong by calling it a stanza)

Blinding me,
The steaming anger won’t release it’s hold,
Won’t let me breath

It is strongly advised by me that you change "Blinding" to something like "Binding" as nothing in this stanza shows that it is blinding her literally, nor metaphorically. Also "Binding" would be super effective since you used the words "hold" and "Won't let me breathe" in this stanza.


Though my face is blue as ice,
Cheeks are puffed out and eyes are bulging,
My insides are a flaming crimson
Torched by the anger I keep bottled up

The second line seems oddly stated. Perhaps putting a "my" in their somewhere would help it flow better?

Always keeping your cool
You expect me to do the same
But there’s no way

Who's keeping their cool? The reader?
Sorry, but this part seemed rather odd. But, it's not anything exceptionally noticeable.

By now the tears have forced themselves upon my cheeks
The torching of my insides has smoldered, and
My face regains it’s color
Once again I can breath

I thought her tears were already flowing?
You can easily fix that though with a few tweaks to the above lines, or by focusing on the one that I highlighted in blue above.

Final Words:
A nice poem, not too completed, nor too simple. My kind of poem.

What I liked: The straight forward and to the point nature of it.

What I did not like: The use of different tenses in your second stanza. That's a problem all of us writers have isn't it? So don't feel alone in it, it happens to all of us without our notice. I also find small inconsistencies and contradictions in the poem to be problematic. But those can be easily smothered out.

-If you need me to take a look at anything else let me know.

Thanks, that was some nice feedback

Hey, requested review coming right up!

Considering you said this was only your second attempt at poetry this was great!

The anger floods into me
Filling me up, over flowing
Until the hot, sticky tears brim my eyes

Sticky seems like a bit of an odd description, how about "burning" or something a bit more powerful.

No, I will not let them fall,
Breaking my composure.
I will contain them,
Swallow them whole

I really like this stanza. It's wonderfully done.

Blinding me,
The steaming anger won’t release it’s hold,
Won’t let me breath

Good. Your descriptions are a tad stereotypical though. Don't take that the wrong way, but just see if you can be a bit more creative.

Though my face is blue as ice,
Cheeks are puffed out and eyes are bulging,
My insides are a flaming crimson
Torched by the anger I keep bottled up

I really like the contrast here between the cold and the heat. It represents both sides of anger really well. I would suggest something like "Torched by the anger raging within me" or something along those lines, instead of just "bottled up".

Always keeping your cool
You expect me to do the same
But there’s no way

The last line of this seems out of place. I don't know why. It's just "but there's no way" neither feels very definitive or powerful. You may want to change the words around a bit.

By now the tears have forced themselves upon my cheeks
The torching of my insides has smoldered, and
My face regains it’s color
Once again I can breath

I really like the ending. For someone who said you weren't very good at poetry you seem to have a brilliant understanding of it. More than me anyway.

One thing I would mention though, is that there's a gap between the transition the narrator makes from 'not being able to breath' from being able to breath. There is no journey between the two states of mind. Maybe you could lengthen the poem a bit. Though be careful if you do that. Anyway, just something to think about.

Keep up the good work, and certainly don't give up with poetry!

JSPike

Hi, I don't know much about poems either, but I'll give it my best.
First, a couple of general tips: 1) English is a language with a wonderful variety of words, and if you have problems with finding words, just look for synonyms.
For example:

Until the hot, sticky tears brim my eyes

This word is a bit, well, sticky, and it disrupts the "flow",in my opinion, a better word would be "damp", "salty" or "stingy".
2) Try to keep the way the actions are described and written the same for the whole poem.
(I'm not sure if this piece of advice would work for all poems, or that everyone will agree, but I feel that it disturbs the "flow" of the poem)
For example:

No, I will not let them fall,
Breaking my composure.
I will contain them,
Swallow them whole

.
This is the only place in the poem the character is described as doing something actively, and it kind of broke my concentration, although on the second and third passes it actually supplemented the poem. Either way you may want to slip into the action, rather than throw the reader right in there.
3) If you introduce another character into the poem, try to give the character a bit of "history".(Again, this is what I believe would help to enrich your poems,although there may be those who would think otherwise)
For example:

Always keeping your cool
You expect me to do the same
But there’s no way

I'm not sure if I am alone in this, but the poem left me wondering about their relationship, as well as the meaning behind those accusations. If you were to add more depth to the mentioned character, I believe it will only have positive influence on the poem.
I hope this will help you, and after every-thing's said and done, I really like this poem, and I am looking forward to your next poem, please PM me when you post it, sincerely, ab5986

awesome you guys

Hey there!

You've got some good reviews here, so I'll just say a couple of things.

I like this poem. You have some really great emotion and imagery in it, which is lovely to see. However, I think it fails a little bit because of redundant wording.

For example:

Torched by the anger I keep bottled up

Could easily become: 'Torched by bottled up anger'. This way it doesn't break the flow, and keeps the whole thing short and sweet.

There are a few more lines which you can apply this to. Basically, you don't want to make the whole thing sound like prose. Jazz up your sentence structures, and it'll get a whole lot better!

~Amy