Paper Face

Second poem
.
Paper face
.
I look upon your face and wonder what changed;
it seems pale, corpselike, shallow and empty
and your heart no longer beats on your sleeve.
Whereas your mouth once formed joyous music
it now spits daggers and obscenities
which turn and bite me like unfaithful dogs
Pealing laughter conveyed happiness, but now
they are trumpets of shameless flattery.
Eyes once burned bright and vivid with passion
now sunken and narrowed, the fire is quelled
replaced with icy stares and frozen glares.
.
You have cocooned yourself away,
become another paper face in the crowd
a beacon of individuality,
shuttered, dimmed, faded into the background.
.
Do you honestly care for what they think?
Take off your mask and show me who you really are.

You know I've always admired the poetic qualities of masks! Your poem is very full and deserves a second read.

I would recommend adding a little more punctuation in some spots to maintain the pace and quality of the poem but otherwise it really expresses how you feel about this someone.

I specifically enjoyed, "trumpets of shameless flattery".

Hi Halcyon!

Second poem, eh? Welcome to YWS! First of all, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Nice work at first glance. It can use some revision, but what can't? So, let's see what we can do.

I'm going to do a line-by-line review of this one, pointing out things I like and things that may need a bit of tweaking. It's all in red, so don't fear the red ink! Parentheses with a punctuation mark means that some punctuation should be added there; however, what I put in is just a suggestion.

Paper face
.
I look upon your face and wonder what changed(;)
it seems dead somehow, shallow and empty
and your heart no longer beats on your sleeve. These two lines seem a bit cliched. The heart on the sleeve and empty face. It's a decent lead-in to the rest of the poem, though. You could try to make it a bit more powerful. Try giving it very specific qualities that it lacks rather than saying "it looks dead."
Whereas your mouth once formed joyous music (,)
it now spits daggers and obscenities I like these two lines.
which turn and bite me like unfaithful dogs(.)
(P)ealing laughter conveyed happiness, but now
they are trumpets of shameless flattery (.) Wait, what? Are you still talking about the mouth? If so, then the laughter and trumpets parts should probably go before the spitting daggers part, just so that it flows well. I do love the phrase "trumpets of shameless flattery," though. Very strong description.
(Y)ou have cocooned yourself away(--)
become another paper face in the crowd(,)
a beacon of individuality(,)
shuttered, dimmed, faded into the background. If you mean *once* a beacon of individuality, you should specify the once. It's hard to imagine something that's fading into the background as an individual.
.
Do you honestly care for what they think?
(T)ake off your mask and show me who you really are. I like that this part isn't pleading. It's a demand. Show me!

So, the main things I've noticed are your (very slight) inconsistencies with punctuation and capitalization. Just before you post, remember to look those over. Read it aloud, see where you pause, insert punctuation as needed. Though you did a good job for the most part with that.

You've got some great imagery and metaphor here! Now, spice it up a bit.

I saw you said a lot about the mouth. What about they eyes? Eyes are one of a person's most expressive features. See if you can perhaps factor those in? Especially since a mask is designed so that it enhances the eyes, as you can't see the rest of the face.

All in all, I liked this. It's a very good start for something that has the potential to turn out awesome! Especially since it's your second poem. Good job!

I hope to see more from you!
Take care and keep it up!
~Freyja

Thanks for the feedback =]

I enjoyed the originality, unfortunately I can't currently nitpick since I need to go & see to my Physics.

I'll be back!
Ben.