I love her, deal with it.

This kind of has a message so try to look beyond the sex part a bit.


I love her, deal with it.

Im sitting here with the most beautiful girl on earth, and nothing matters anymore. I don't care that people say i'll go to hell for loving her, or the constant rejection. all that matters is that she never rejects me.
im sitting in her lap, legs wrapped around her waist, as i slowly start to suck on her tongue. slowly at first but then fast as if my life depended on it. she let out a low moan and pulled her mouth from mine. moving her lips down she found my nipple, now hard and a dark brown. at first ahe only kissed it, slow and loving, but as i let out a moan she started licking it. Biting the tip between her teeth, she licked and teased until i was about to go insane. Deciding she wanted to get moving, she replaced her mouth with her left hand, so into it not even bothering to address the nipple, just grabbing the breast alone.
Her other hand slowly slips to my inner thigh, taking four fingers and stroking my vagina, i let out a moan and started humping her hand faster and faster. SHe finally gave into me and slowly slid all of her fingers in, playing with my clit and making me cum so hard it made me even more horny. It was time.
She took out her hand and we repositioned herself so our legs folded together, our vaginas touching.

We made love until the sun came up.

ok so, dont be brutal, this is based on an actual experience i had. so it's half fiction half not. plz dont make fun of bisexuality. Be who you are, but let me be who i am. thnx!!!

I think that this is cool, the way that you are proud and unashamed of how you feel. I'm not bi or anything, but i totally support you. i think that the story is good in the way that it has a deeper meaning then just the sex, as you said. god job on your writing!

Saphirra

Saphirra wrote:I think that this is cool, the way that you are proud and unashamed of how you feel. I'm not bi or anything, but i totally support you. i think that the story is good in the way that it has a deeper meaning then just the sex, as you said. god job on your writing!

Saphirra

Thanks!!!!! Im glad your not one of those aholes who tries to damn me to hell!!!

I'm fine with this being a personal experience, as it is your life, not mine.

But does it have to be so explicitly... sexual?
Girl on girl, guy on guy, or heterosexual, this was just a little bit too nasty.
All it was was sex, sex, sex. When you read intimate scenes in novels, notice how authors tend not to focus on the sexual part of the experience -- they don't often explicitally mention what the characters are doing to each other. They mention how the characters feel, the "beautiful" parts of love. Does that make any sense?

Also, before to always capitalize your I's!

For example, this is the way you write. It is grammatically incorrect:

i went to the store.

It should be:

I went to the store.

This has a lot of potential and keep writing!

Hope this helped,
Sakura

The first thing you need to learn here, is that sex can be vivid without being raunchy. You're wording has issues, instead of making your readers feel passionate, it's making us feel... the opposite.

Typically speaking words like "vagina" and "humped" are not sexy, or passionate, they are simply raunchy and make the reader feel uncomfortable.

I would try to substitute them with something softer, something that allows the reader to know what you're refering to, but doesn't make them feel uncomfortable.

Her other hand slowly slips to my inner thigh, taking four fingers and stroking my vagina, i let out a moan and started humping her hand faster and faster.

I would word this "Her other hand slowly slips to my inner thigh, taking for fingers and stroking my core, I let out a moan and started moving against her hand faster and faster."

It changes the entire feel of the piece entierly.


The next thing, you have a lot of description here, I know what they're doing but not what they are feeling. Try adding some passion to it.

My body lay open and waiting as his fingers toyed and teased me, controlling but ever so tender. He owned my nerve endings, every surface crying out for his touch, igniting me and calming me in the same instance. His fingers played with my side as I closed my eyes and arched my back ever so slightly. He touch was gentle, so unlike my previous lovers. The way he gave himself to me completely as his face contorted and his flesh turned flush. In those moments when we came together, we belonged to each other.

This is mine, see how I use both description and emotion in the moment? Sex can be vivid and graphic while still being emotional and romantic. You need to find a balance here.

Hope this helped.

--OverEasy

i know this sounds bad and is bad but i wrote it really quickly and didnt really bother too do much editing. it's also my first time writing about,,, that and it wasnt supposed to be so much of a story, more of an emotional release. the next thing i post will be much better, believe me. i dont like this piece either and dont know why i posted it. plz dont think im a whore cause im really not. this is really an inappropriate thing and i really do regret posting it. so plz,, just forget i ever did. plz

-lilly

Pay attention to your capitalisation and apostrophe usage. Don't regret posting it; it served a purpose - you received advice for future posts. I understand the "deeper meaning" that you were trying to convey there, but like previous reviewers have stated, you don't have to be so graphic. There are many ways you could express the love the characters have for each other without making it sound like erotica. It sounds a bit like you're aiming to get your readers off rather than have them see your main point. (Sorry if that sounds harsh; I'm just trying to help. ) Lastly, I agree with Saphirra in that I totally support you as well. I'm not bi or anything either, but I support everyone in their own personal decisions. It's great that you're trying to write to support LGBT-esque issues, but like I've said - don't be so obscene about it.

LoveIsLimitless wrote:i know this sounds bad and is bad but i wrote it really quickly and didnt really bother too do much editing. it's also my first time writing about,,, that and it wasnt supposed to be so much of a story, more of an emotional release. the next thing i post will be much better, believe me. i dont like this piece either and dont know why i posted it. plz dont think im a whore cause im really not. this is really an inappropriate thing and i really do regret posting it. so plz,, just forget i ever did. plz

-lilly

Hey! Never give up on something, if you felt emotion when you were writing it,then it's not a loss. Just remember your wording.

Edit this, add the emotions you felt when you wrote it the first time. When you do, let me know, and I'll take a look.

No one is telling you to stop writing, and no one ever called you a whore, don't be so hard on yourself.

L liked this. I really did. And not just because I'm a guy and it was girl on girl... I think it's cool tht your so public about ur sxuality.