Grave

This poem is for my good friends, Liam, Jamie and Jamal.


Trapped in this box, I need to leave.
Your all over me , I can hardly breathe.

I used to think you were the one,
now my love is dead and gone.

What once was fresh has now turned stale.
You hammer in that final nail.

You cut of my hands and you sowed up my eyes,
you silenced me with your deadly lies.

My love for you was six foot deep,
now you make my flesh creep.

And then the moon, she began to call,
I smash through your wooden walls.

I rise up, escaping my hell to
the ghostly chiming of church bells.

Twelve chimes mark the hour!

I tread across the hollowed ground,
careful not to make a sound.

You turn around I see your face,
I've you in my cold embrace.

I killed the lies inside your head.
Now it is you who will be dead.

Grave is a poem ultimately about death and liberation through rebirth, and how someone you love can make you feel "dead" inside.It is also about the feeling of suffocation in a relationship. My character is dead at the beginning of the poem because of the betrayal of someone they loved. The character soon has a chance to have their revenge and by the end of the poem it is the betrayer who is dead. I wrote this because of my own experiences of betrayal at the hands of people I trusted and for other people who have gone through the same situation. If you have read my poem please leave a comment ,I would be happy to know what you think. Thanks.

OK, so my overall thought was that it was amazing. It bothers me so much, but some authors do not have a story inside their poetry that flows properly and that is what I look for in poetry. You expressed the story concept very well.

The only part I thought was kind of in need of a nitpick was this:

twelve chimes mark the witching hour!

To me it sounded like you didn't really need to have 'witching' in the sentence.

Hope I helped you out a bit,

~DayDreams

Hey there!
I love the pace and feel to this poem. I think you've started it stunningly well. It's captivating and sets off a fluent rhythm:

Trapped in this box, I need to leave.
Your all over me , I can hardly breathe.

I feel its more lyrical than poetic though. I feel I need to put music with it or a beat to get any true meaning or effect out of it and I'm putting this down to your rhyme scheme. As much as it works, I feel it draws away from what you're saying and its in lines like these where it feels slightly uncomfortable...

You cut of my hands and you sowed up my eyes,
you silenced me with your deadly lies.
My love for you was six foot deep,
now you make my flesh creep.

I mean you've got a few typos and it seems you've jumbled up your tenses aswell... Give this some thorough revision and edit and see what you can improve on.
The writing and colour of lnaguage in this is beautiful though so keep up the writing!
Hope this helps...
Ben.