eye for an eye

I'm not sure what this is. I just started writing it and it doesn't really fit anywhere else so here I go...

I hate to kill the impressions brought upon
the average observer, or victimize the
words of the innocent tongue.

That is but a mere consequence
of my true aim, which is
to crush the realities of
those who keep instep
and in line. I mean to blow
the minds of the judge mental.
I'll evolve the dimensions
of the viewers of the 2-D.
I'll warp their minds
and alter their established
conceptions--namely those
concepts set since the days of their
elders elders.

I'll encourage that the blind
unveil there eyes and the
fed bite the fingers of the hand
that feeds. I'll manipulate the manipulators,
cheat the cheaters. Then we'll see how much
they like it!

Ray112 wrote:I'm not sure what this is. I just started writing it and it doesn't really fit anywhere else so here I go...

I hate to kill the impressions brought upon
the average observer, or victimize the
words of the innocent tongue. Good opening.

That is but a mere consequence
of my true aim, which is
to crush the realities of
those who keep instep
and in line. I mean to blow
the minds of the judge mental. Judge mental? It makes me giggle.
I'll evolve the dimensions
of the viewers of the 2-D.
I'll warp their minds
and alter their established
conceptions--namely those
concepts set since the days of their
elders' elders.

I'll encourage that the blind
unveil their eyes and the
fed bite the fingers of the hand
that feeds. I'll manipulate the manipulators,
cheat the cheaters. Then we'll see how much
they like it!

This seems like a raw piece. You mentioned that you just started writing it. It shows. It's unedited and a bit confusing. Who is they? Give 'they' an identity.

That's really all I have right now. This is an interesting piece. It's obviously very emotional and rushed. Don't rush it.

Grade: C

Potential, I do see a lot of potential here. As stated above it does feel like a raw copy. Now I have something to add to what the one above me had to say.

I don't like the way you ended it. The last stanza is, in my opinion, the best of the three, but it just ends. I feel like you can expand on it a bit more. The one above said it felt rushed and I agree. Add what has already been said and expand on your idea and it will be great.

~Spades

I like it! Justice for injustice! It reminds me a little of chiastic structure...Sorry, I totally had a flashback to high school. Anyways, I have to agree with the others, in that it was kind of obvious that you just threw this together and wrote it. Can you put a little more emotion in this piece? It feels a little flat on the feeling side. You talk about this revenge, but I don't feel any desire towards this vengence. Expand on that. Good job otherwise. You've got talent.

Totally, I agree with the others. Regardless, this was good for a thrown-together piece. Just add some emotion, a few adjectives, and make it more interesting. Round this out, and It can be very, very good. You obviously have talent at poetry, so that should be a breeze.

--Dreamy