Faking It.

Hello, everyone. As I'm waiting for someone to review my third chapter for my other story, I thought I'd try writing some poetry. This is my first poem, so go easy on me.





Faking It

I walk through the evil doors
This place is filled with trashy whores.
The say high school are your glory years
So far I find it filled with tears.
Tears? Fears?
Here we see grades nine through twelve,
I will dive into this day, I'll take a delve.
I stride down the hallway, pasting on a smile
Every step feels like ten miles.
I hate these people, they're not my friends.
And yet, I fake it. There are no ends.
"Hello, Justin. Hi, Kate."
They both sicken me, I'm filled with hate.
These stupid teens care only about themselves,
about who has the most money
and who has the most pretty things on their shelves.
A grimace threatens to invade my face,
I hate high school, it invades my space.

Woot! I liked this a lot. The only thing I found missing was the line "Every step feels like ten miles." I doesn't flow as well as everything else which isn't very much at all. Awesome for a first poem...I remember my first. *facepalms and shudders*

Why did you name it Faking It? Just wondering...

JC

Haha, I only named it Faking It because you paste on a fake smile for all the people you hate, pretending they're your friends. Thank you for the possitive feedback!

because you paste on a fake smile for all the people you hate, pretending they're your friends

Hah, if only we could just let them know that we hate their guts without being a jerk. If only.

JC

Hey there!

I have to say I don't like this as much as I should. I think that the images you're using of school are far too common, overused cliches because, it's so often that I hear school as evil, and you enter through those doors and there are plastics and jocks everywhere, and... where's the realism? Some schools are undeniably like that, but can you be precisely sure that you're the only one feeling the opposing drift? I think that you can improve this poem by highlighting a little bit more of the surroundings.

Moreover, I don't think the rhyme scheme worked to well here. It'd be better freestyled, I believe, because you'd have all the room to elaborate and such without the restrictions.

June

Hey there!
Okay, your poem: This I love:

I walk through the evil doors
This place is filled with trashy whores.
The say high school are your glory years
So far I find it filled with tears.

I love the image painted and the effect of the language you've chosen, however I would suggest making lines 2 and 4 un-capitalized since there is no need for the capitalization. That's just a nit-pick though and I think you meant "They say high school..." instead of "The say..."
Anyway that was brilliantly devised, structured and written.

My problem is where your poetry goes from here. This is because your images from this point seem a bit, how to put it... bland? I don't mean that offensively because although it's well-written it doesn't have much effect and I think in dramatic poetry or any poetry you need to maintain hard-hitting effect whether that be from meaning or vivid imagery. Here are a few examples:

Here we see grades nine through twelve,
I will dive into this day, I'll take a delve.

I feel here you've tried to hard to rhyme the second line and it just doesn't work. There's no image that I can take from here more than you rhythmically describing the way grades go in High School.

"Hello, Justin. Hi, Kate."
They both sicken me, I'm filled with hate

I don't really like your use of dialogue in this, it sounds choppy.

But then I get hit with the brilliance again...

A grimace threatens to invade my face,
I hate high school, it invades my space

I personally think this is a fabulous ending! So well done!

What I suggest is a revision and edit of this poem to pack that effective imagery where it's needed, otherwise I enjoyed this thoroughly so get writing more poetry! You're good at it!
Ben.

Awesome job! I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but you reallllly captured how I feel about lots of the kids in my school. I think everyone else caught everything I had found wrong.

Awesome job on your first poem, and don't fear criticism!

--Dreamy

Hey BeautifulDoom. This is Erin, and first off, love it overall. It was very original.
I walk through the evil doors Love the image
This place is filled with trashy whores.
The say high school are your glory years
So far I find it filled with tears.
Tears? Fears?
Here we see grades nine through twelve,
I will dive into this day, I'll take a delve.
I stride down the hallway, pasting on a smile
Every step feels like ten miles.This is the only part I actually had a hard time with. It almost sounds like it doesn't fit with the flow of the poem.
I hate these people, they're not my friends.
And yet, I fake it. There are no ends.
"Hello, Justin. Hi, Kate."
They both sicken me, I'm filled with hate.
These stupid teens care only about themselves,
about who has the most money
and who has the most pretty things on their shelves.
A grimace threatens to invade my face,
I hate high school, it invades my space.
Considering you used the rhyme scheme which is very hard to acheive, you captured it very well. You should try writing poems more often.