Thief of Roses

Thief of Roses
cone me into your wings of
night; and kiss me into silence
with your lips of sweet justice
Sing to me your dreams, until
becoming the muse of my obsession;
enslave me in the sweet insanity
of your eyes true reflection
Engrave your body in my soul
until there are no traces of
of the love so lost;
of his eyes of almond hue,
and his words of velvet lies
Thief of Roses, my thief of love
make me a rose of your garden,
of your garden, alas…

All right, I'm not a huge fan of romantic poetry, so I'll be honest: this didn't particularly wow me. It had some okay moments, but the whole head–over–heels/infatuation beyond belief tone was rather difficult to believe. Cliches especially suffocated it.

Confusing moments abounded, too. (The use of the word "cone", though an interesting word choice, didn't quite work). The lover's physical description was a little murky. Why did he have wings? Is he an angelic creature? The Thief of Roses theme suffered a bit, too. Some more clarity about it would help. Why does he lie? Why does the narrator care so much about him? Also, towards the end, you briefly switch from addressing the lover personally to describing him as if he wasn't there. Ellipses are not to be recommended, either.

I'm sorry to be so tough, but I still think it has potential.

See you around.

–antimelrose

Hi. The name's Fixed.

First of all, I thought your poem was very heartfelt, but overly dramatic.

There were too many... abusively lovestruck phrases used here. Sorry to be so outright, but.. that's what I got out of this!

Your poem needs better flow. I found myself skimming over this, so I could get on with the review. The purpose of writing is to pull the reader in, to voice your opinion in such a way that it opens up the reader's eyes and shows them what you're feeling. I didn't get this when reading your poem. The following review will *I hope* help with this and envelop me in a state of romantic fury. Don't take this wrongly, if I sound harsh... I won't apologize, you will be a LOT better. I hope. XD

angel23 wrote:Thief of Roses

Your theme... You should use this as a weapon. *bang, bang* When I read "Thief of Roses" it makes me feel like a love is unjustified, that whatever it is has been stolen(thus, thief). Use this as a theme, continue the description throughout the poem.

angel23 wrote:cone me into your wings of
night; and kiss me into silence
with your lips of sweet justice

highlighted in red:
Instead of "wings" put "petals", thoroughly grasping the concept of "thief of roses".
Highlighted in green:
How does a thief have justice? This description didn't fit for me, as I read over the line again before following on, confused.

angel23 wrote:until
becoming the muse of my obsession;
enslave me in the sweet insanity
of your eyes true reflection

simple rewording... I would say:
"until
becoming the muse of my obsession,
you enslave me in sweet insanity;
your eyes, a true reflection."

angel23 wrote:Engrave your body in my soul
until there are no traces of
of the love so lost;

My interpretation of this... he left and then came back. So why would you want him to engrave his self into your soul if you want something in your memory to be erased?

angel23 wrote:of his eyes of almond hue,
and his words of velvet lies

*says dreamily* my favorite line... <3
When you say this, it really makes me picture him. He's slick, he's tart. I imagine someone beautiful... With almond-brown eyes, and his lying more like a prick from the thorn on a stem of a rose than a knife in the back. Surprisingly, I find myself in love, temporarily.

angel23 wrote:Thief of Roses, my thief of love

I think this is beautiful, but I would say something along the lines of...
"Thief of Roses, my crown of thorns"
...because it incorporates the description of roses into the poem(thorns on stem)...

angel23 wrote:make me a rose of your garden,
of your garden, alas…

This is kind of.. cliche, almost. I didn't like the ending... just saying... Could you end it with something more dreamy, something like... this?
"My heart is yet another rose
of your garden, alas."
This is simply because it concludes your poem, saying he's stolen your heart. Makes me cry now.

I hope I wasn't too harsh on you! In no way did I hate your poem, actually... I loved it! These are just a couple of things I thought could help you become a better writer/poet and I hope it does!!! Keep on posting, and just pm me if you have any questions or wish for me to review something else.

Love,
Fixed

Hello.

I want to preface this by saying I really like it. It's got a sort of whimsical quality to it, and I'm a sort of whimsical person. So nice!

Most of the gripes I would have had on it were taken care of by Fixed. Really, I'd just got back and check on the punctuation. There's one part where there's no period, and then a capitalization:

enslave me in the sweet insanity
of your eyes true reflection
Engrave your body in my soul

There are other places where it seems you should have periods, but there are none. You do have commas and semicolons, though, so you should either have punctuation in all the right places or none at all, just to keep it consistent. Same with capitalization.

Also, you might think of a better beginning line than the title to pull the reader in better. (I know this has been mentioned, but I thought it needed to be seconded.)

That's all I've got that hasn't been mentioned. Overall, good job.

Thanks for posting and take care!
Vanadis

Hi
thanks so much for the reviews; I see that I still have a lot to improve. I have found that I'm not being descriptive enough in my poems. I think it cause since I know the meaning behind every word, the reader will too

Basically this part right here

until there are no traces of
of the love so lost;
of his eyes of almond hue,
and his words of velvet lies

This is the part where the protagonist tells the reader that she wants "The thief of roses" to help her forget about her past love, the boy with the almond eyes...

That's why I also wrote on top "and kiss me into silence
with your lips of sweet justice"
Its as if she needs him to help her get pay back against the boy who hurt her...

Sorry this was so confusing... thanks again

Hey there,

Although the petals of this poem brush the line of cliche, I think that you did a fairly nice job in here. For once, it was pretty beautiful, flowed well, and kept my interest to the end.

I don't like the "alas" on the end -- it makes the poem seem like this was a hurried ending, and I think you should step back, take a moment to construct a better ending for this, because as it stands, it's rather weak. For all of the building up that was done, this doesn't do it justice.

Keep writing, and thumbs up for you,

June