Promises

I promised you
When we were six years old
Sitting on the tire swing
That you were the only boy I could like
I promised you
When we were eighteen
Wild, crazy, and so in love
That you would be my forever
I held your hand in the hospital room
They said neither said neither your son nor I
Would make it
I promised it was not our time yet
No one could convince me to say my goodbyes
Over the years I have made you many promises
I vowed never to break one
But I must break that vow
I promised that we would die together
Old, holding hands
Fast asleep in a warm bed
God had different plans
Now its time for me to
Fly away with the angels
I have to leave
Though you must stay
But I won't go until I replace the promise
I broke
I promise to not take
One step past the
Pearly gates until
Your by my side
Holding my hand

Beautiful Poem! it really shows the writers emotions and what they want but cant have all together very nice. on little thing though

One step past te the

thats it please message me with any furter questions about poetry:)

Hullo there, Lyndzie!


Welcome, welcome. I'm June, your critic for this poem, and do forgive if my say anything absurdly harsh. I mean it in the most genial way as possible, in the hopes of giving something constructive to help you improve.


To begin, this poem was pretty bland. There are so many poems that resemble this in the world, among the published and un-published, the young, the old, the small, and the long. It's a cliche, and as a YWS member once said, cliche's are not always bad to write about, but you have to write about it all in a new way.

Although this is narrative I cannot say that you've done that here! It's, in all honesty, a good place to start, but there are little poetic devices in this poem, dear, that distinguish this from prose or letter writing. My advice to you would be to "poeticize" this, as a close friend of mine would say, and throw some more devices into the mix such as more imagery, more metaphor, so that you're not just telling us this story in the same way that we've heard it times over.

I'm also not fond of the repetition of "I promise" -- repetition easily becomes tedious in poetry, and in some things, it truly works. Here, I think you're borderline, dearie. I would've liked to see a rephrasing of some parts, so that I don't feel so much like you're establishing what was already said or implied.


I do enjoy how it went through a time line! That's rather creative. Do keep writing, Lyn, and welcome to YWS. If I can be any further assistance to you, or if you think I was unreasonable in this, feel free to PM me.

June

Hey Lyn! I liked how the poem started out, I thought it was really cute. I didn't really like how you kept repeating "I promise" though. The whole thing is rather on the cliche side, especially the end. Next time maybe try writing about something a little different. but I think you did a pretty good job here, just remember that next time. Keep writing.

~Hope

Hey there!

I will agree that the poem is kind of cliché; there is a lot you could do to make it really stand out. Maybe one idea would be to expand on the idea of the timeline. I thought that it was really sweet, so it could be a good thing to take further into the poem?

~Amy

Okay, kind of cliché, I'll give them that, but it was incredibly sweet. I finished it saying 'Awww' out loud, so you may see the effect it had on me. The only thing that really bothered me was how vague it was, and how it passed to quickly from one thing to another, mainly the times. Plus, if you break this down to stanzas it would work better.

So, try to develop this a bit more. I liked the ending; it's a very sweet poem. But I'd like to see more into it. For example, did she made more promises to him between staying with him forever and stuff? What was he feeling when they (I assume the doctors) told him his wife and son weren't going to make it? Was he crying? What about the son? See Lots of questions.

Side note: take a look at it again, search for grammar mistakes and confused or repetitions of words.

*clicks the like button* Thanks for posting!
- Kat