Broken Hero

The tension is rising I feel like I can't do this any more.
The rain is falling but you keep walking out my door.
You always do this, your such an ass. You piss me off this was your last chance.
You tried to see the inside of me, but you don't realize there is nothing to see.
There is a little beasty inside of me waiting to mess things up for me.
The icy feeling makes me see clear again... clears my thoughts lets me forget all the things you have done to me. All the things that make me... me.
Your a broken hero, you've steered me wrong I now know you've been a liar all along.
I've also been a liar, telling myself I am wrong.
I miss the way you look at me, even if it wasn't true. You had a way to make me love you.
You've changed the way I see the world, I hate the way you changed this girl.
I'm just sorry I wasn't right for you, but we both some how knew the you were also not right for me.
Now we have changed everything.
Sometimes I see you, you refuse to notice me. You have that girl all over you.
It makes me sick when I realize that used to be me.
When you walk by I can smell your scent.
It drives me crazy wishing you were still my baby.
I must realize and see that we are over and get over it.
To simply forget I ever loved you.
You and I were never meant to be.
Your a broken hero and I'm just me.

Hello there. I'll be critiquing you today. :D

First things first, your punctuation was inconsistent, and not in a good way. Punctuation exists to make meanings clear and should generally be used in poetry. Secondly, "you are" is contracted to "you're" and not "your". Thirdly, was there or was there not a rhyme? If so, stick to it. Fourth, your formatting needs a lot of work; if there was a rhyme, it was lost in the messy formatting. I realize that posting your poem here may have messed up your formatting, but you really should take the time to go back through and fix it. Generally, lines in a poem should be roughly the same length/follow a pattern, especially if there is a rhyme scheme; free verse is an exception, and lines can be any length so long as the flow is preserved.

You tried to see the inside of me, but you don't realize there is nothing to see.
There is a little beastie inside of me waiting to mess things up for me.

The two lines contradict each other. How can there be both nothing and a beast inside?

but we both some how knew that you were also not right for me.

Overall, the inconsistent punctuation and formatting slightly messed up the flow for me, but you did have a strong flow, which was good. You really don't have much imagery in this poem, and you repeat ideas without really doing anything with them, which made this poem drag. Also, you state things in the poem, but you don't give any reasons or explanations as to why/how the narrator feels/thinks that way. Expand upon the basic ideas, incorporate imagery, and don't repeat things unless you're presenting a different perspective on them, and this poem will become much stronger. Right now, there's nothing really interesting or original about this poem, so it doesn't stand out.

Basically, you need to fix the punctuation and grammar mistakes, decide whether or not you want to rhyme, fix up the formatting, incorporate imagery, and expand upon your ideas.

If you have any questions about anything I said, feel free to PM me.

dont get made at him/her critism is a good thing. ok

Hello, there!

Kyllorac mentions a lot, so I would highly recommend paying much attention to their review.

I like the rush to this -- the longer sentences make the poem seem like it's to be read fast, but I'm wondering, are they too long? Read this aloud, and check the flow, and make sure it fits how you want it to.

What I don't like about this poem is how much blame it puts on the other party, which, I understand you're allowed to do such in any sort of writing, but is it working here? I don't feel like it is, at least not to its full potential. If you break this down into smaller line breaks, I think it'll be better, but not too small where it's invariably choppy.

Keep writing,

June